"Words of Wisdom" or Whatever...

"They" say the first year of marriage is the toughest year...and whoever "they" are may be on to something...but WE TOTALLY MADE IT!

Not everyone can say they married their best friend TWICE

This past weekend, Joe and I celebrated our one year wedding anniversary...and this year was certainly one to celebrate...we earned it. It was a roller coaster of a year, full of highs (eloping/honeymooning in the most beautiful, lavish place we've ever been, buying our first home, partying at a wonderful reception thrown by my in-laws) and lows (the infamous Christmas Tree Incident of 2012* and that one time we got in a fight because Joe didn't kiss me goodbye and I tried to prove a point by staying out all night long but got tired and bored and hungry after an hour at Target and was home by 6:30) BUT WE MADE IT!

We're still rookies at this whole marriage thing and like everyone tried to tell us before we tied the knot, it's hard work. We fight sometimes. We get over it. And every day we learn something new about each other...and about ourselves. For instance, just last week Joe and I BOTH learned that if he tries to exit the room during an argument, I will throw a book at him...not AT him...but in his general direction**...I didn't know I was gonna do it, he didn't know I was gonna do it. Live and learn. That being said, I've come up with a few marriage "Do's and Don'ts" for me to reference when I'm feeling feisty...

DON'T throw books at each other....
It didn't go over well...plus it's a little crazy and not very nice. 

DO go to bed angry...
The number one piece of advice that EVERYONE gives at weddings and bridal showers is not to go to bed angry...I think that's some seriously unrealistic bullshit. These are my LEAST favorite "words of wisdom" ever. For Joe and I, late night arguments tend to start because we're tired and therefore, irritable (go figure). If we tried to stay awake until we were no longer angry, we would be up all night arguing and getting more tired and more irritable, creating an endless cycle of tiredness and irritability (hide all the books). When we DO go to bed angry, we usually wake up in the morning feeling refreshed and more often than not, we forget what we were even angry about in the first place. It's hard and feels very unnatural at first, to go to bed angry...but Joe can now do it in .05 seconds flat.

DON'T yell...
I have a strong belief system and tend to get pretty passionate about ummmmm...EVERYTHING. Naturally, Joe and I don't see eye to eye on some things so we often get into little debates... the topics range from the existence of Jesus to whether or not  it's okay for women to have their own gyms. It doesn't matter whether I'm advocating for Curves or arguing that a human being cannot die and then come back to life, I get just as equally amped up...I start talking louder and louder and louder...thinking the increased decibels will convince my opponent when really, I'm just yelling. Not only does the yelling NOT make my point any stronger or more convincing, but I look bat shit crazy.

DO focus on the good stuff...
During one of my psychology classes in college, I learned that bad emotions and negative situations have more of an impact on people than the positive. It actually takes your brain more time to process bad things which makes them easier to remember...which is SO fucked up, RIGHT? When Joe and I get into an argument, my mind works like that. I hone in on all the bad memories...like that time he told me I had a unibrow or when he asks why my breath smells which isn't fair because that man picks up poop for me! And changes the oil in my car! And vacuums a lot. He calls me beautiful every single day and he even cooked dinner for me on Valentine's Day this year and sprinkled rose petals all over the house. It may be easier to remember the bad stuff but putting the effort into focusing on the good stuff helps put the bad in a little more perspective.
The act of picking up dog poop > Telling me I have a unibrow...ANYDAY.
 
DO watch the opening scene from the movie "Up"...
Okay this one sounds weird but hear me out. One day Joe and I were bickering about...pssht who knows what but there we were...at a standoff. Neither one of us talking to the other. Sitting in the living room. Watching TV. In silence. Then this movie starts...

...and oh my god. We both looked at each other (me crying...the emotional train wreck that I am) and whatever we were arguing about was squashed because...really? I mean...really. This is what it's all about. Having a partner in life...who's there by your side through all your shit... good AND bad...who knows you better than anyone else. Seriously...if I'm on my deathbed and Joe's there sending me messages attached to helium balloons, I WILL DIE HAPPY.

Marriage may be hard work...but nothing worth having comes easy and one year later, here we are...eating an oddly delicious but at the same time disgusting frozen cake...and it's totally worth it.


*stay tuned for a blog post about this festive debacle

**the book was titled "Guilty Wives" which is a strangely appropriate title to be thrown at your husband in the middle of a heated argument

Toddler Boys

I am so very blessed to have been given a girl and a boy.  I am done and I get the best of both worlds.  I was always more inclined on having a boy though.  I have two brothers, most of my closest friends in high school and college were guys.  I get guys.  I like them they have no drama and they don't think I am a threat.  So, when my second child was born and he was a boy I was thrilled!  I could have had all boys and been good with it but I am definitely glad I got to buy all the pretty dresses and shoes for my daughter. 

Now I know why parents "Baby Proof" their houses.  My daughter never crawled and went right into walking and never left my side.  She never got into anything and never really cared about much unless it had to do with me.  My son on the other hand, not good.  He is into everything and I mean everything!  I used to make fun of parents that had all the plugs in outlets and clips on toilets and rubber foam on their tables.  Well I get it now.  While my husband was in the shower my son decided to throw his underwear in the toilet.  Guess who had to get them out?  He loves the toilet.  He thinks it is great to put stuff in it and he really loves to play with the water that just hangs out.  I am afraid of the toilet clips.  I have seen some of them and an adult has trouble getting them open.  What happens when you have a sudden case of diarrhea and you can't get the clip off?  Or in my case you sneeze and pee yourself and need to get on the toilet?  I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and have to fight with a toilet clip.  Not really something I look forward too.  He also likes to be naked.  I really wouldn't mind if he was potty trained but he is not even a year old yet.  He was in his crib the other day and took off his pants and diaper and peed in his crib all over everything before I could get him covered!  Those little ding-a-lings really like to spray everywhere!!  I have had to clean curtains and walls and doors because of that!

He loves digging through the bathroom drawers and cupboards while I am in the shower.  His latest thing, throwing Q-tips in the shower.  I have found them everywhere!  I even found some in his crib.  Some how he managed to break open the Q-tip box and I haven't seen them since.  What Q-tips I had left, I had to put in a zip lock bag so he couldn't get into them.  I do have locks on the cupboard where all the cleaning products are so at least he won"t poison himself.

AND Boys are dumb!  If my daughter did anything that hurt her, she never did it again.  She is that way still.  My son, he would just keep doing it over and over and over.  He loves to jump around on the couch.  He thinks it is his own wrestling arena.  He fell off one day before I could grab him and of course the world was coming to an end.  I gave him kisses and cuddled with him and all was good and doesn't the little turd go right back to doing it all over again!  WTF??!!  Do you keep letting him get hurt until he gets it or do you just give in and pile a bunch of pillows around the area so he can't get hurt?

Boys have this charming way about them that just makes you melt.  My son knows when he is in trouble and he just gives you this look and smile that will melt your heart and you don't even know why you are mad in the first place.  Boys suck!  lol!  He hits his sister and for some reason I am yelling at her.  No wonder boys are so loved by their mothers!  I tell you what though, the day some hoochy 15 year old walks into my house with short shorts and her boobs hanging out, you better pray.  My daughter has plenty of people looking out for her including and ex-Marine and a Sheriff.  I on the other hand will be there to protect my son.  No skanky girls for this boy!

Teenage boys will be another post I am sure.


Dana

Wal-Mart Adventures

I don't know if it is just me but for some reason my children seem to attract all the weirdo's out there, especially on our lovely adventures to Wal-Mart.  I HATE Wal-Mart.  Truly.  I have to need something really badly in order to go to Wal-Mart.  Parking sucks, there are never any cash register lines open and the "Self Check-Out" is a joke.  I tried it once and I guess I am dumb but I set off the buzzer after every damn item I tried to scan.  At one point the helper person just stayed with me until I was done because she had to reset the computer so many times.  Plus I had a coupon which I guess is a big NO NO at Self Check-Out.  Won't do that again.  I like to breeze in and out of a store and Wal-Mart is not the place you can do that.  And for some reason I always end up spending way more money than I intended too.  I am thinking it is because Wal-Mart has too many things to offer so I go a little crazy.

One time I was cornered by a couple that clearly had some sort of disability but I am not quite sure what kind.  They were interested in my children and asked what their names were.  I told them and they could not quite grasp the name Brett (my son).  They guy said Brent and I said no Brett.  And he said Bred and I said no Brett.  And he said Brent again and I said Yes.  They finally moved along and I think for the first time in 5 years my daughter was speechless.  She knew not to stare but they kept asking her questions but she really couldn't understand what they were saying so she didn't say anything at all.  I told them she was shy.  After they left I don't think she knew what to do.  I just said just be polite and smile. 

Have you ever seen those Wal-Mart videos they do showing all the classy people that come through Wal-Mart?  I am probably on there.  I have been trying to blend in hoping that nobody will talk to me or my kids.  So far it seems to be working or I am just too scary for people to approach. 

My latest adventure included my grandmother.  I love her.  She is great and she loves to say whatever is on her mind no matter the consequences.  She means well but she definitely crosses the line once in a while.  She has to do trips to Wal-Mart once a week.  She has a system down and she mostly goes to get her 5 liters of Diet Ginger ale.  They have the best price don't you know?  Some how I was volunteered to take her one week.  I really don't mind.  I figure it is good practice for when my parents become that age and they need my help.  Well what I thought was going to be a quick trip turned into a 2 hour adventure.  She had a coupon for Tylenol.  At some point during our rounds she lost the coupon.  Doesn't the stubborn old woman retrace all of her steps to find the damn coupon?  I mean we went back our every steps.  She finally figured she lost and decided to give up.  She placed the Tylenol on a random shelf in an isle.  She couldn't get it unless she had the coupon.   We were rounding the corner just about to get in line when she said, "let me check one more place."  Sure as shit she found the freaking coupon!  Now she had to go back to find what isle she left the Tylenol in!  Her memory was better than I gave her credit for because she knew exactly what isle she left the Tylenol in.  THANK GOD!  We made it to check out and didn't look back!  Of course I had both of my kids with me who were not too pleased but I had to give her credit because she didn't give up!

Wal-Mart Adventures.

Dana

Relax Mom...

I was watching Katie Couric the other day and this mother was being interviewed about a magazine article she was in recently talking about the fact that she has to take an anti depressant on a regular basis. Well apparently it was a huge deal to a group of mother's out there and she was receiving a lot of back lash.  To the point where she was actually told she shouldn't be a mother because she was taking medication.

WHAT THE F**K??!!!  How dare you criticize someone because they need to be on medication to make it through the day.  Have you ever had postpartum depression?  It is bad.  I had it after my daughter and my doctor suggested a pill but I preferred not to be on one but I don't have anything against anyone that does. It can be mild or very severe.  I just cried all the time. I would show up on my parents door step in tears with my daughter in my hands. And FYI...We have no control over it or if we get it.  It is completely out of our hands and not our fault!  I fought my way out of it myself.  If a mother needs to take a pill so she doesn't harm herself or her children then so be it.  Who are we to judge someone that is making a smart decision.  So she can't be a mother because she is on a pill?  Seriously.  What is it with some of you mother's out there?  I can't believe how some people are these days. 

I was reading a blog a few months ago and the answers some of these mother's respond to just make me want to drink.  A mother actually had a huge problem with people putting babies in a swing.  Really?  Do we not have anything better to do.  She actually said that it would delay your child's development and cause problems down the road.  Am I the only laughing about this? Apparently I don't read enough because I just don't get it.  Get a life. 

I try not to associate myself with too many people, especially specific mother's.  I try to avoid being put in a bad situation and gravitate towards mom's that are more like me.  I am young and I wasn't married when I had my daughter but I don't think that makes me any less of a mother.  I like to drink and I tend to indulge in a cigarette from time to time but it does not affect my children in any way shape or form.

Perfect example.  I watch a little girl after school that just happens to be friends with my daughter.  I get paid for it and the mom gets to send her child to a safe place.  Well for the most part.  This is the kinda mom I like to be around.  She had her daughter out of wed lock and didn't plan on having any kids but it happened and she dealt with it.  She doesn't judge and I don't judge.  This poor little girl has been through the ringer at my house.  The first time she came over, my daughter made her cry.  (Now just a side note, I know I wrote about bullies in my previous post so I am clarifying that my daughter is not a bully but she is also not perfect.  She does receive punishment when necessary whether it is a spanking, time out or I take something from her that is dear to her heart.)  I explained the situation to her mother and she was like "It happens.  No biggie".  The second incident was a few weeks ago when my daughter decided to use the lovely word B***H in front of her.  I almost lost my marbles and was very embarrassed and yet again, this mother tells me about the time her daughter used that word.  She wasn't mad, she understood and she just brushed it off.  Now, I am a very straight forward person so I keep her very up to date about the things that go on and don't try to hide anything.  I figure it is just better that way.  The latest incident was just the other day.  The girls got home from school and immediately went out to the play ground.  I just happen to look out the window and my daughter has her shorts and under wear off in the middle of our yard.  I asked what she was doing and she says "peeing".  Great.  My daughter has peed outside before so it wasn't something new to her but I really thought she new a little better than to pee outside in our own backyard and it front of the rush hour traffic.  Sometimes peeing outside is better than a porta john or it is necessary in a specific moment but that wasn't one of those moments.  Just lovely.  So as the little girl and her mom are leaving, I say "Oh by the way..if your daughter starts peeing outside, that would be because she learned it from my daughter."  And she simply says "ok".  She doesn't ask any questions, she doesn't get mad, nothing.  Now that is my kinda mother and she stills sends her child to my house!

I think some of these women need a glass of wine or two and mind their own damn business!
RELAX

Dana

What has this world come to?

So I know me and Lauren write blogs to make people laugh and tell our stupid stories but my next few blogs are going to be downers.  I have to get this off my chest because it is really bothering me.  I might make some people mad too but hey, that is what freedom of speech is for!

My daughter started kindergarten last week.  She is there all day long and takes the bus in the morning and the afternoon.  I cried my eyes out.  Not just because she is my oldest and this is the first time I have gone through something like this but because I am completely terrified for her.  Since when is it no ok that your child is not even safe in school anymore?  Since when has bullying and cyber bullying become so bad that we have to have shows about it?  Since when is it ok that I have to check a website regularly to see if there are any pedophiles that live in my area or the area of the school?

Let me tell you something.  The day I get a phone call telling me that my daughter's school was held hostage by a crazy gun person and several children and teacher's were killed....that SOB better kill himself for I will be killing him MYSELF.  And quite honestly I blame that psycho's parents.  There is something wrong if a kid shoots up an elementary school because he is mad at his mom.  Hello?  Did Momma not see any signs that the kid might need some help?  Maybe when your kid starts setting things on fire for no reason or starts torturing animals you might want to get them some help.  Also, spanking is not a bad thing.  Me and my brothers were spanked every time we deserved it and we turned out just fine.  I am married, have two children and my bachelor's degree in Marketing/Management, my younger brother is married and a Sheriff and my youngest brother just started his freshman year at Mount St. Vincent and was accepted into their nursing program.  So get over it.  My daughter has been spanked and I am sure my son will need one too.  A mother especially should know there child and you know when something is wrong and they need help.  Get it together people or stop having kids!

My daughter's good friend was choked by a younger boy the other day in school while standing in line waiting for the bus.  She actually had bruises on her neck.  Guess what?  That ever happens to my daughter I will be knocking on that parent's door and you better be ready.  Nobody messes with my kids.  I don't care if it is online or in school.  I will be coming for that child and that parent.  I already had to deal with a problem child in preschool.  My daughter didn't want to go to school because a boy was hitting her and saying bad words to her.  So, I wrote a note to the teacher and explained that my daughter had my permission to protect herself and if it didn't get taken care of I would take care of it myself.  My daughter never had a problem again.  I tell my daughter almost every day to never let any one touch her and she has my complete permission to fight back when necessary.  I know teachers don't always see or hear everything so I really don't put the blame on them, but it is just sad to have to think about stuff like that with 5 year olds.  Again, where are the parents?

One of my biggest fears in life is my children being molested or kidnapped.  I worry every day about it.  I watch movies and shows I probably shouldn't but I want to be as proactive as I can about things like that.  I regularly check the pedophile website so to speak and get alerts when one moves into the area.  As soon as my daughter was old enough she learned where her private parts were and no one was to touch them.  I remind her daily too.  I have my brother who is the Sheriff talk to her constantly as well.  She knows how to fight and scream if she needs and she knows to never leave anywhere especially school with anyone.  I tell her each and every day you are to get on the bus and you are to leave on the bus.  If there is a change I usually start letting her know way in advance.  I will do the same with my son.  It makes me so sick some of the things people do to children and most of the time they were molested at some point in their life as well.  There is no excuse but if the cycle could have been broken I bet there wouldn't be as many molesters or rapist out there today.  Again Parenting. 

Protect you children.  Be there for your children.  Look for signs that they need help.  Sometimes it is more than "just a phase".


Dana