June 26, 2013


I need to start off by asking if anyone has seen the new BMW commercial?  It is freaking hilarious.  Let me break it down.  The husband pulls into the drive way of his home, obviously in the BMW and his email pops up on the radio screen and says..."Hi Honey, my mom stopped by see you when you get home."  The husband looks at his email then looks at the house then puts the car in reverse.  As he is backing out the email pops up again and says..."Hey honey, where the HONK are you going?"  And you actually hear the car honking during the little blurb that really is the F word.  I think that is great...anyone?  I love my in laws so I don't have that feeling but my husband and mother definitely have a love hate relationship and that is something he would do.  LOVE IT!

So a few weeks ago the stomach bug ran rapid through our house.  I hate stomach bugs.  I would rather have anything but a stomach bug.  The puking, diarrhea, nausea, give me anything but that.  Not to mention that they are extremely contagious and usually if one person in your household has it then the whole family is going to get it.  Stomach bug and kids...not a good combination.  My husband got the bug on Friday and my daughter got the bug on Monday.  She was a trooper...I will giver her that.  It was actually Memorial Day and we had some friends over for a BBQ.  My daughter was playing bubbles with her friend when she started vomiting.  Not just a little either, like a whole hot dog and then some.  I cleaned her up and got her to rest and gave her some water and she was like I am good.  So I figured it was just a fluke and she was ok.  Really I was having a good time with my friends and I really didn't want to deal with a sick kid so I sent her back out to play.  Yes, I know horrible mother, but you only get so much time to yourself...you want to enjoy it.  I don't think it was 20 minutes later and she was on the deck vomiting again.  She has the whole yard to throw up in and she comes on the deck where every one is and starts barfing.  Awesome.  At this point I figured she was really sick and needed to go to bed.  So I unfortunately asked our guest to leave so I can tend to my daughter.  What I didn't expect was a replica of the exorcist. 

What started out as just barfing and needing to rest turned into world war 3.  As she was barfing in her pan I gave her she pooped a little.  I figured she was barfing so hard that it just slipped and she would be ok.  I get her in the shower and cleaned up and of course after all that she needs to barf again.  So she is leaning over the toilet and barfing and while this is going on I notice that she has poop running down her leg.  I say "Lex do you know that your are pooping?"  And she says "No Mom I just farted"  And I'm like "No Lex you are pooping"  She had no idea.  This is how bad this stomach bug was.  She had no idea that crap was running down her leg.  She literally thought that she just farted and no big deal.  Oh no.  This was the messiest stomach bug I have ever witnessed in my life.  And it SMELLED!  The pooped smelled, the barf smelled, my daughter smelled....everything smelled.  At one point as I was cleaning my daughter, I actually stuck my head in her barf bowl because I thought I was going to lose it.  That is how bad it smelled and I don't have a weak stomach.  I can actually tolerate a lot!  My husband's under wear was in the garbage when he had it too so he also fell victim to the whole pooping the pants thing.  I did eventually get the bug but lucky for me I DID NOT poop my pants!


So I had this bright idea to take the Police/Sheriff test a few months ago and all in all it was a sign that this was not for me.  The place where I worked closed and I was about 7 months prego when that happened so me getting a new job...not happening.  I was on unemployment or unenjoyment as my dad would call it and they are a stickler about job searches and all that so I thought it would be a good idea to take a civil service test because it was free for people on unemployment.  The test was in November and to be quite honest I really didn't think that was going to happen because it was very close to my due date and if my second child was like my first then I was going to be early.  Well the test date came and no baby.  I did study and took the practice test so I was ready to go.  This should have been my first clue.....
I walk into the auditorium where the test was given and one of the test proctors asked if I would like to sit in the handicap section.  Now, I am not a big girl but being pregnant I am all belly so I wasn't too offended by this but it was definitely not a good thing in the back of my mind.  As I looked around and noticed that if I chose not to sit in the handicap section I would be on top of two other people and would have to squeeze down a very small isle and the handicap section was looking pretty good.  They were pretty much double sized desks in the way back very far apart.  I chose the handicap section naturally.  The only down side, the proctors forgot I was back there because of course I was the only one in the handicap section at a police/sheriff test, so I would  have to raise my hand constantly because they would forget to give me the test sheets and booklets.

I thought I bombed the test.  I walked out of there not really feeling good at all about the test and pretty sure that I was not going to hear anything ever!  So I had my son and life moved on until May.   I got a letter in the mail saying that I scored high on the test so I was to report to the YMCA 3 weeks later and do the physical fitness test.  Not so good.  I had a 4 month old and I had 3 weeks to get my fat ass into shape.  This is what they require of a 27 year old female:  32 sit ups in a minute, 15 push ups with no break and run a mile and a half in 14 minutes 50 seconds.  This really doesn't sound so bad until you have had 2 children one of them who is only 4 months and you have pretty much accepted what your body was going to be from this moment on.  I am an athletic person I always have been so I wasn't going to not show up and I wasn't going to not at least try.  So, for 3 weeks I pushed myself and worked on running, sit ups, and push ups every day.  The push ups I had down.  I was always pretty good with upper body strength.  The run I had down to like the last second.  The sit ups on the other hand..not happening.  At my best I was doing like 25 sit ups in a minute.  I was kinda hoping that adrenaline would kick in and I would just bang out the rest and be down with it.

So, the test day came and I showed up to where I needed to be and walked into a group of about 6 girls.  Yes girls, not women.  They were discussing the college classes they were missing that day to take the test.  I think one of them had told me that she just turned 21 and the other one had just turned 22 like a week ago.  There was one other woman there who was older than me but she was in the State Trooper boot camp and she was just taking this test as a back up.  ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!!!  No one was married, no one had kids and this was just another day for them.  I instantly started to sweat.  Of course the first test was the sit ups.  Now once you fail a section you are done.  You are not allowed to continue with the rest of the test and if you want to try again you have to pay a fee and wait until the next test comes around.  So of course, the sit ups are the first obstacle.  I think 3 girls went ahead of me and they all pass.  Now it was my turn.  By the way you have some amped up chick who runs the boot camp sitting (yes I mean literally sitting) on your feet holding you down and she is all serious.  No joke cracking with her.  I thought she was going to suck my blood for a second.  Also, to make it a legit sit up your hands have to be inter locked behind your head, the back of your shoulder blades need to touch the mat, and your knees need to touch your elbows on your way up.  So I got all ready I was laying on the mat and the guy with the stop watch said GO....I was off, but not to the start I wanted.  I think I did like 10 good ones and it was all down hill from there.  I did NOT have the adrenaline I was hoping for nor the motivation.  I was actually trying not to laugh and this poor girl was actually saying..."YOU CAN DO IT...COME ON"  I started laughing at one point and I think I did a total of 20 when the guy said TIME.  I was the only one who failed the sit ups.  I wanted to scream..I JUST HAD A BABY...but I didn't.   I was actually very proud of myself.  I wished the rest of the girls luck and walked out of the room with my head held high.  Now once I got into the parking lot...all bets were off.  I had tears rolling down my face and I was still trying to tell myself that it wasn't a big deal and I just had a baby and this wasn't what I wanted right now in my life.  I got home and my mother in law was watching my kids and she was like....wow that was fast...I guess you didn't make it.  Nope..I failed miserably.  They couldn't start off with the push ups..which by the way the other girls didn't think they were going to pass those and I would have blown them away in that section, but NO lets do the sit ups and make the old lady embarrassed. 

Needless to say, I am glad I at least tried, but I am also very glad it is over with and I get to be home with my kids.  Lessoned learned.