November 21, 2013

"Words of Wisdom" or Whatever...

"They" say the first year of marriage is the toughest year...and whoever "they" are may be on to something...but WE TOTALLY MADE IT!

Not everyone can say they married their best friend TWICE
This past weekend, Joe and I celebrated our one year wedding anniversary...and this year was certainly one to celebrate...we earned it. It was a roller coaster of a year, full of highs (eloping/honeymooning in the most beautiful, lavish place we've ever been, buying our first home, partying at a wonderful reception thrown by my in-laws) and lows (the infamous Christmas Tree Incident of 2012* and that one time we got in a fight because Joe didn't kiss me goodbye and I tried to prove a point by staying out all night long but got tired and bored and hungry after an hour at Target and was home by 6:30) BUT WE MADE IT!

We're still rookies at this whole marriage thing and like everyone tried to tell us before we tied the knot, it's hard work. We fight sometimes. We get over it. And every day we learn something new about each other...and about ourselves. For instance, just last week Joe and I BOTH learned that if he tries to exit the room during an argument, I will throw a book at him...not AT him...but in his general direction**...I didn't know I was gonna do it, he didn't know I was gonna do it. Live and learn. That being said, I've come up with a few marriage "Do's and Don'ts" for me to reference when I'm feeling feisty...

DON'T throw books at each other....
It didn't go over it's a little crazy and not very nice. 

DO go to bed angry...
The number one piece of advice that EVERYONE gives at weddings and bridal showers is not to go to bed angry...I think that's some seriously unrealistic bullshit. These are my LEAST favorite "words of wisdom" ever. For Joe and I, late night arguments tend to start because we're tired and therefore, irritable (go figure). If we tried to stay awake until we were no longer angry, we would be up all night arguing and getting more tired and more irritable, creating an endless cycle of tiredness and irritability (hide all the books). When we DO go to bed angry, we usually wake up in the morning feeling refreshed and more often than not, we forget what we were even angry about in the first place. It's hard and feels very unnatural at first, to go to bed angry...but Joe can now do it in .05 seconds flat.

DON'T yell...
I have a strong belief system and tend to get pretty passionate about ummmmm...EVERYTHING. Naturally, Joe and I don't see eye to eye on some things so we often get into little debates... the topics range from the existence of Jesus to whether or not  it's okay for women to have their own gyms. It doesn't matter whether I'm advocating for Curves or arguing that a human being cannot die and then come back to life, I get just as equally amped up...I start talking louder and louder and louder...thinking the increased decibels will convince my opponent when really, I'm just yelling. Not only does the yelling NOT make my point any stronger or more convincing, but I look bat shit crazy.

DO focus on the good stuff...
During one of my psychology classes in college, I learned that bad emotions and negative situations have more of an impact on people than the positive. It actually takes your brain more time to process bad things which makes them easier to remember...which is SO fucked up, RIGHT? When Joe and I get into an argument, my mind works like that. I hone in on all the bad that time he told me I had a unibrow or when he asks why my breath smells which isn't fair because that man picks up poop for me! And changes the oil in my car! And vacuums a lot. He calls me beautiful every single day and he even cooked dinner for me on Valentine's Day this year and sprinkled rose petals all over the house. It may be easier to remember the bad stuff but putting the effort into focusing on the good stuff helps put the bad in a little more perspective.
The act of picking up dog poop > Telling me I have a unibrow...ANYDAY.
DO watch the opening scene from the movie "Up"...
Okay this one sounds weird but hear me out. One day Joe and I were bickering about...pssht who knows what but there we a standoff. Neither one of us talking to the other. Sitting in the living room. Watching TV. In silence. Then this movie starts...

...and oh my god. We both looked at each other (me crying...the emotional train wreck that I am) and whatever we were arguing about was squashed because...really? I mean...really. This is what it's all about. Having a partner in life...who's there by your side through all your shit... good AND bad...who knows you better than anyone else. Seriously...if I'm on my deathbed and Joe's there sending me messages attached to helium balloons, I WILL DIE HAPPY.

Marriage may be hard work...but nothing worth having comes easy and one year later, here we are...eating an oddly delicious but at the same time disgusting frozen cake...and it's totally worth it.

*stay tuned for a blog post about this festive debacle

**the book was titled "Guilty Wives" which is a strangely appropriate title to be thrown at your husband in the middle of a heated argument

November 11, 2013

Toddler Boys

I am so very blessed to have been given a girl and a boy.  I am done and I get the best of both worlds.  I was always more inclined on having a boy though.  I have two brothers, most of my closest friends in high school and college were guys.  I get guys.  I like them they have no drama and they don't think I am a threat.  So, when my second child was born and he was a boy I was thrilled!  I could have had all boys and been good with it but I am definitely glad I got to buy all the pretty dresses and shoes for my daughter. 

Now I know why parents "Baby Proof" their houses.  My daughter never crawled and went right into walking and never left my side.  She never got into anything and never really cared about much unless it had to do with me.  My son on the other hand, not good.  He is into everything and I mean everything!  I used to make fun of parents that had all the plugs in outlets and clips on toilets and rubber foam on their tables.  Well I get it now.  While my husband was in the shower my son decided to throw his underwear in the toilet.  Guess who had to get them out?  He loves the toilet.  He thinks it is great to put stuff in it and he really loves to play with the water that just hangs out.  I am afraid of the toilet clips.  I have seen some of them and an adult has trouble getting them open.  What happens when you have a sudden case of diarrhea and you can't get the clip off?  Or in my case you sneeze and pee yourself and need to get on the toilet?  I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and have to fight with a toilet clip.  Not really something I look forward too.  He also likes to be naked.  I really wouldn't mind if he was potty trained but he is not even a year old yet.  He was in his crib the other day and took off his pants and diaper and peed in his crib all over everything before I could get him covered!  Those little ding-a-lings really like to spray everywhere!!  I have had to clean curtains and walls and doors because of that!

He loves digging through the bathroom drawers and cupboards while I am in the shower.  His latest thing, throwing Q-tips in the shower.  I have found them everywhere!  I even found some in his crib.  Some how he managed to break open the Q-tip box and I haven't seen them since.  What Q-tips I had left, I had to put in a zip lock bag so he couldn't get into them.  I do have locks on the cupboard where all the cleaning products are so at least he won"t poison himself.

AND Boys are dumb!  If my daughter did anything that hurt her, she never did it again.  She is that way still.  My son, he would just keep doing it over and over and over.  He loves to jump around on the couch.  He thinks it is his own wrestling arena.  He fell off one day before I could grab him and of course the world was coming to an end.  I gave him kisses and cuddled with him and all was good and doesn't the little turd go right back to doing it all over again!  WTF??!!  Do you keep letting him get hurt until he gets it or do you just give in and pile a bunch of pillows around the area so he can't get hurt?

Boys have this charming way about them that just makes you melt.  My son knows when he is in trouble and he just gives you this look and smile that will melt your heart and you don't even know why you are mad in the first place.  Boys suck!  lol!  He hits his sister and for some reason I am yelling at her.  No wonder boys are so loved by their mothers!  I tell you what though, the day some hoochy 15 year old walks into my house with short shorts and her boobs hanging out, you better pray.  My daughter has plenty of people looking out for her including and ex-Marine and a Sheriff.  I on the other hand will be there to protect my son.  No skanky girls for this boy!

Teenage boys will be another post I am sure.


Wal-Mart Adventures

I don't know if it is just me but for some reason my children seem to attract all the weirdo's out there, especially on our lovely adventures to Wal-Mart.  I HATE Wal-Mart.  Truly.  I have to need something really badly in order to go to Wal-Mart.  Parking sucks, there are never any cash register lines open and the "Self Check-Out" is a joke.  I tried it once and I guess I am dumb but I set off the buzzer after every damn item I tried to scan.  At one point the helper person just stayed with me until I was done because she had to reset the computer so many times.  Plus I had a coupon which I guess is a big NO NO at Self Check-Out.  Won't do that again.  I like to breeze in and out of a store and Wal-Mart is not the place you can do that.  And for some reason I always end up spending way more money than I intended too.  I am thinking it is because Wal-Mart has too many things to offer so I go a little crazy.

One time I was cornered by a couple that clearly had some sort of disability but I am not quite sure what kind.  They were interested in my children and asked what their names were.  I told them and they could not quite grasp the name Brett (my son).  They guy said Brent and I said no Brett.  And he said Bred and I said no Brett.  And he said Brent again and I said Yes.  They finally moved along and I think for the first time in 5 years my daughter was speechless.  She knew not to stare but they kept asking her questions but she really couldn't understand what they were saying so she didn't say anything at all.  I told them she was shy.  After they left I don't think she knew what to do.  I just said just be polite and smile. 

Have you ever seen those Wal-Mart videos they do showing all the classy people that come through Wal-Mart?  I am probably on there.  I have been trying to blend in hoping that nobody will talk to me or my kids.  So far it seems to be working or I am just too scary for people to approach. 

My latest adventure included my grandmother.  I love her.  She is great and she loves to say whatever is on her mind no matter the consequences.  She means well but she definitely crosses the line once in a while.  She has to do trips to Wal-Mart once a week.  She has a system down and she mostly goes to get her 5 liters of Diet Ginger ale.  They have the best price don't you know?  Some how I was volunteered to take her one week.  I really don't mind.  I figure it is good practice for when my parents become that age and they need my help.  Well what I thought was going to be a quick trip turned into a 2 hour adventure.  She had a coupon for Tylenol.  At some point during our rounds she lost the coupon.  Doesn't the stubborn old woman retrace all of her steps to find the damn coupon?  I mean we went back our every steps.  She finally figured she lost and decided to give up.  She placed the Tylenol on a random shelf in an isle.  She couldn't get it unless she had the coupon.   We were rounding the corner just about to get in line when she said, "let me check one more place."  Sure as shit she found the freaking coupon!  Now she had to go back to find what isle she left the Tylenol in!  Her memory was better than I gave her credit for because she knew exactly what isle she left the Tylenol in.  THANK GOD!  We made it to check out and didn't look back!  Of course I had both of my kids with me who were not too pleased but I had to give her credit because she didn't give up!

Wal-Mart Adventures.