May 24, 2013

Yoga: A Tale of Ass Juice, Peen Stains, and Gin Sweat

I love yoga...specifically hot yoga. It's one of the few physical activities I feel like I'm actually pretty good at. That being said, my history of practicing yoga has been a series of seriously unfortunate (and excruciatingly embarrassing) events....ESPECIALLY as of recently. These aren't your normal, to be expected yoga mishaps either. You know, like a camel toe from your yoga pants or a loud fart/queef that slips out when you're in the ol' happy baby pose...these are a totally different breed of inappropriate yoga mishaps.

The Happy Baby pose...I mean COME ON...

The first time I went to a heated yoga class was in college. One of the girls I worked with at the time mentioned a heated yoga class that she had heard about and was dying to try. She said the room was heated to 105 degrees and the heat was supposed to help you sweat out your toxins and loosen your muscles up...I figured the heat would also help distract me from all the "OHM" chanting (which I've always found totally awkward) so I agreed and we made a plan to go on a Sunday morning around 8:00, before our shifts at work.

Well...the heat DEFINITELY had me sweating out all my toxins because the night before I had gotten HAMMERED...on gin (possibly the worst smelling booze out there)..and I was sweating that shit out of every single one of my pores. Not only did I smell like a homeless man at an AA meeting, I was also severely dehydrated and on the verge of passing out after every downward dog.

Even though my first attempt at hot yoga was extremely unpleasant, I continued to go until Joe and I moved. Then I was on the hunt for a new yoga studio...but having heated classes was a requirement and those are pretty rare up here in the sticks...After months of searching, I finally found a studio in the college town nearby that offered the heated classes I had been missing.

I was so excited the day of my first class at the new studio...and really nervous about going to a place I had never been before. It was a full house. The place was packed.  I signed in, paid my drop-in fee, found an open spot, rolled out my mat and this is what I found:

I can't make this up

Is it just me? Or does that stain look like a brown penis wearing a Mickey Mouse hat?

How did I stain my yoga mat? Well I've always kept it in the car. Sometimes in the trunk, sometimes in the back, sometimes on the floor on the passenger's side. It's a pain in the ass to lug the damn thing inside the house after every this way it's always ready to go. I'm also a bit of a car slob. I throw shit cups, water bottles, granola bar wrappers. I'm guessing the peen stain was the result of a Vanilla Chai or Mocha Latte spill.

BUT WAIT. There's more.

Last week I went to my usual Sunday morning class, rolled out my yoga mat and a pungent stench emerged from the mat, completely filling the room. The smell was familiar...but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I could feel the chick next to me staring and everyone else in the 105 degree room judging me as the smelly girl in class (which is saying a lot...because no one smells particularly GOOD in such a hot environment, sweating their balls off). I pushed through the smell, despite the fact that it was getting significantly worse as it BAKED in the heat and mixed with everyone's B.O. About halfway through the class it hit me...Rosie (our dainty American Bulldog) SQUIRT all over my mat...probably while it was in the back seat of my car.

For those of you who don't know what a "squirt" is...simply's anal juice...that leaks out my dogs ASS HOLE.  It definitely has a one of a kind scent...a scent that has no place in a yoga studio. I know the smell well, as Rosie squirts every time she's scared...and she's a huge weeny. It would make sense that she would squirt in my vehicle because she's TERRIFIED of tractor trailers...every time one passes, squirts happen. My car quite often smells like her ass juice. I should have known better.

It may seem like I'm a glutton for punishment returning to yoga every week...but I love it and always think it can't get any worse! So I keep going...and glorious things like these continue to happen.

At least I'm not queefing.

Oh...and I'm in the market for a new yoga mat.

May 12, 2013

What to Expect After....... there is a great book out there to follow when you are expecting, but what about the aftermath?  I don't see too much out there giving us women a heads up on what happens after you are in labor for 38 hours and you pushed for an hour and a half.  Don't get me wrong..."What to Expect When Your Expecting" was great for me when I was pregnant with my first child.  I read the whole thing from front to back and lived by it.  I also used Google a lot, which probably was not a good thing because I am pretty sure I called my doctor about 5 times crying about having a miscarriage, which never happened.  I also loved the movie, and by the way, I was that blonde chick that tried really hard to get pregnant and then hated the whole experience.  I didn't have to try hard to get pregnant but I really hated being pregnant.  I hated the weight gain, the uncontrollable bodily functions, the fact that I couldn't see my vagina...the list goes on and on.  So, I am making a few heads up about the after math.  I really wanted to write a book about this, but lets face it...probably not going to happen.

1)  Exploding Hemorrhoids: I heard of hemorrhoids when you were pregnant and I really wasn't unfamiliar with them, I actually have had them several times without being pregnant but I didn't know that they could go as far as EXPLODING and leaving your pants full of blood.  This was actually before I had my second child, about the 8th month in and I had to go see a butt doctor.  I realized there was a problem when I started bleeding from my butt and had to stuff my butt hole with toilet paper so I didn't ruin my under wear.  I mean what do you use to plug a butt whole?  I have no idea.  I had a busy day that day of course and I was on my way grocery shopping when I picked up my brother to help so he could lift all the heavy stuff for me...he got in my car and complained about having a bad day...and I said.."Oh really, I have a wad of toilet paper stuck up my butt right now so I don't bleed all over the place and you think you have had a bad day?!!!" Well the good news was the butt doctor actually said my butt looked pretty good considering I was almost 9 months pregnant and the hemorrhoid exploding was a good thing.  Other wise they would have had to numb my butt whole and drain the hemorrhoid.  EEEWWWWWW!

2)  PUPPPS:  I know a lot of you don't know what that means and I really don't feel like spelling it out but you can GOOGLE it.  This is a very severe rash that only like 1 in 10 pregnant women get and it is most common in the last trimester and if you are having a boy.  I got this rash about the last month in and it was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life!  There is no cure and there is NOTHING you can do or take to make it better.  It only goes away about 2 to 3 weeks after delivery.  This is probably the most uncomfortable and intolerable thing I have ever dealt with in my life.  It starts out in your stretch marks and spreads to your belly, arms, legs, and vagina!  It is small red dots that completely covers you and ITCHES like crazy!  I itched myself so bad that I actually bled and have scars from it.  It is terrible.  You think you have problems sleeping as it is being almost 9 months prego....well let me tell you....You have no idea unless you  have had this rash.  I hope that you never get it and I feel awful for the poor women that do.  Good luck with that!

3) Pain, Pain, and more Pain:  If you think that pushing out a kid is enough, well you haven't felt the after affects of the uterus shrinking and your butt hole screaming because you just pushed for over an hour.  Now, I only have had vaginal deliveries so I really don't know if this is true for C-Sections, but it hurts afterwards and it hurts pretty bad.  You see all these women on TV that look great after just giving birth and are smiling and blah blah blah, well let me tell you what...they are full of POOP.  You are having contractions after the birth too.  It sucks!  Not only have you just bled out your entire supply of blood but your uterus needs to go back to normal and your colon feels like you just got raped by a lot of very large black men.  And I mean that in a good way, well for them at least.  Now, after my first child I really didn't know what to expect and I figured I would have some pain killers and be on my merry way...OH NO!  Freaking Tylenol...Really?  That's all I get...I just pushed a 7lb baby out of my vagina and you are only giving me a freaking Tylenol!!!!  WTF!!  We have nurseries in the hospital for a reason.  Mom can't get doped up and sleep for a few hours before she brings home a screaming baby?  No, of course not!  Have fun with that!

4)  Keegals:  I don't care how many Keegals you do a day and how many times you do them.  When you have a child your bladder is SHOT!  Forget it...Trampoline's are a NO NO and sneezing and laughing on a full bladder is an invitation for trouble.  When I was at my brother's recently I was sitting on the couch and I had a few glasses of wine and hadn't gone to the bathroom recently.  I sneezed and not only did I pee my pants but it went through his couch.  Yes I just happened to be going commando that day, but still, I literally peed my pants and that wasn't the first time either.  My daughter asked me to jump on the trampoline with her the other day and I think I made it one jump and tinkle tinkle here we come!  Now, I have had two vaginal births and my recent one is only 4 months old but this is really pathetic.  I wasn't expecting to have to worry about buying Depends this soon in life.  I really have to watch what I am doing and where I am doing it.  And trust me...I did the Keegals on a regular really doesn't help!

5)  Appearance:  What ever you do, Don't look down there for at least a month.  Thanksgiving dinner has never been the same since.  I am pretty sure my vagina could gobble and I don't even want to tell you what my butt hole looked like.  Let's just say, if you like it in the are not going to want to do that for a while!!  As my Mom would say..."I have never seen hemorrhoids that big in my life"  She was there in the delivery room so she got full access.  Someone once told me that I wouldn't want to look at it for a while and of course I didn't listen and I regret it every day.  If your wondering why walking is a problem after you have giving birth..well it could be because you have golf ball size hemorrhoids or the fact that your vagina looks like a giant turkey.  Either way..not pretty!!

Happy Mother's Day!!!