August 14, 2014

Brotherly love

I really don't need to explain this one.  I think it tells the story itself.

Parents and texting

I am still trying to deal with the age of texting but I really think older adults should try to avoid it.  My mother is famous for her text messages that really don't mean a thing.  For the longest time she thought LOL meant lots of love.  Every time she ended a text with me or my brothers that is what she ended it with so finally I asked why and she said, "Lots of Love."  She actually did not believe me and continued signing all her messages with LOL until it clicked one day.  The following is a conversation we had the other day:

I think it is just best if older adults stay away from texting

June 11, 2014

I had a "Moment"

I don't know if I should be proud or concerned but the other day my daughter came into our kitchen with her jeans around her thighs and started jumping.  I asked what she was doing and she said "Mom isn't this what you do to try and get your jeans on?"  I'm still trying to decide if that might be a hint to lose some weight or be proud that she is finally getting what it means to be a girl.

I had already had a rough day.  It was one of those days that the kids suck and you are tired and you didn't sleep much and you still have a lot more things to do.  My son decided to throw a temper tantrum over something dumb so I spanked him.  In return he then pulled down my pants in front of my daughter and husband (and yes I was commando) and create a big hysterical moment so he gets out of being in trouble.  FYI: I prefer no under wear to thongs or sexy underwear because I just don't have the patience for things riding up my butt.  I personally think it is hot when a woman is wearing nothing (obviously not in a skirt or dress) rather than a string riding up her butt crack that probably smells like poop.  So I poured my self a large glass of wine and said "F" it.

I recently began working again bartending/serving a few nights a week at a fine dining restaurant downtown.  I acquired the job by just being at the right place at the right time.  My mom does work there as well but I stopped in to see her one night to have a drink and the next thing I know the bartender is flipping out and throwing chairs.  So, I was hired.  The boss promised me that things like that don't happen there.  Ok, whatever I got this.  Well last weekend I had a colored kid come in while I was behind the bar and he had a cat on his shoulder.  I asked if he needed some help.  He came behind the bar and threw the cat at me.  I am very thankful that I dodged in time and didn't get claws to the face.  I asked him to leave and he asked me for a drink.  I told him he had a drink in his pocket (which he did) so he opened the drink and spit it all over the bar and floor.  By this time my mother had appeared and she went in the back to get the cooks (all guys and some rather large) to escort the gentleman out.  My boss heard of the story and wanted to ask if I was ok and said again "stuff like that doesn't happen here".  I told her I think she is a big fat liar.

The "fake" boob

My husband and I went out a few weeks ago with his best friend and girl friend.  We don't get to go out very much and his friend has been begging us for weeks to meet the new girl friend.  We already blew them off a few times so we met up for some drinks.

Let me give you a little back ground on our friend.  He was my husband's best man at our wedding and a few years later his wife left him for another woman.  We really weren't too surprised because if you saw the wife you knew something was off.  She had a buzzed hair cut (not even exaggerating) and loved to dress in over sized t-shirts and man jean shorts.  However, the friend was obviously devastated and shocked!!  (duh)  She then proceeded to drag him through a nasty divorce and create a mess all over Facebook including bashing my husband and claiming "I hit on her", as Lauren would say "BITCH PLEASE"  Anyways he retaliated by dating one of her friends and fell madly in love with her.  A year later she dies of kidney failure.  No this is not funny but he knew she had serious health issues when he met her and only had months to live.  Now he is dating a woman who has breast cancer and previously had gastric bypass surgery and is dealing with complications from that.  She is in the hospital every other week.  I don't know why he is dating women that are dying.  Maybe he has a good reason for this but I haven't figured it out.

So any who, we meet up on a Friday night and have a few drinks.  She loves to talk and whatever story you tell her she has one better. (Yes one of those people)  Within five minutes of talking to her she is telling us how she was one of the people that got that nasty virus on the cruise ship and had to cancel the trip short.  While she was getting off the ship she tripped and fell and her tooth fell out.  She drove home from NYC and waited to go to the hospital but to this day has a front tooth missing.  (She did get a free cruise out of the deal though)

After that story she tells us about her fake boob.  She only had one breast removed due to the fact that she was not healthy enough to have both of them removed.  So to make up for one boob gone they gave her a silicone insert.  She then proceeded to tell us how she discovered that they float and can survive fire.  (all the while she has her one boob propped on the bar table)  This has only been five minutes into meeting her.  And to her credit the one boob she does have is pretty large.  Apparently when you have a silicone insert it is not a good idea to wear it while you are swimming in the ocean.  They tend to fall out of your bathing suit and yes the do float.  So you might want to give anyone around you a heads up that they might see something rather peculiar floating around.

If you are ever near a fire or may be too close to one, no worries, the silicone insert will be a nice barrier.  While they were camping, our friend's son was playing with the fake boob and dropped it into the fire.  Why he was playing with the boob or why they even let him play with it, I still can't figure out.  There was minor damage but it withstood the heat rather well.  To fix the minor damages, our friend duct taped it, and even better it is camouflage.   And yes she does wear it with the camouflage duct tape. 

So there is your fake boob lesson 101.  I am so glad that I finally got to meet her and I am even more glad that I was already finished eating my dinner.

That's all folks.

April 23, 2014

Here's Your Sign

The following conversation was between me and my Aunt.  She has lived in NYC for 20+ years and is a comedian.  I love her material and she usually talks mostly about the family.  This is my Dad's side of the family and they are a bunch of crazy Italians.  It really explains why I am the way I am.

My daughter had her tonsils and adenoids removed last week and a few days later she ended up getting pneumonia.  My Aunt and Grandmother stopped over to check on her and this is how the conversation went with my Aunt afterward.

That pretty much sums it up