April 14, 2013

Is This Normal?

So, I normally don't like when parents constantly talk about their children and brag and all that crap, but I am dedicating this post to my daughter because sometimes I just don't know where she came from.  She really says and does the craziest things that I really question a lot of things that I may or may not have done during my pregnancy to create such a child.  She is 5 and will be starting Kindergarten full time this coming September.

We are sitting at the gas station one day while my husband was inside getting some stuff.  She is in the back seat and she is playing house like she usually does and talking to her pretend children.  She has two and they are Matthew and Sammy, which they are actual children in real life.  We have a couple that is good friends of ours and our children are close in age and naturally their children are Matthew and Samantha. The conversation goes like this:

 Lex:  Stop it you little BLASTARDS.  (Talking to her pretend children)  You guys are being little BLASTARDS.

Me:  Lex, what does BLASTARDS mean?

Lex:  You know Mom, it is the name that parents sometimes call their children,.

Me:  (Now it dawns on me)  You mean BASTARDS?

Lex:  Yeah Mom, that's the word...BASTARDS.

Me: (Silently laughing)  Ummm...I really don't think you should be using that word.  It is bad, please don't say it, especially at school.

Lex:  Ugghhh...ok Mom

And just to get one last one in, thinking I can't hear her, she says "Be quiet you little BASTARDS!"  At least she used the right word this time.

 She got into a fight with her toy box the other day and lost but it was pretty entertaining.  I was trying to read my 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, which I LOVE by the way, and I hear a big crash and some stuff hit the floor.  I was just getting into a naughty part of the book too and trying to focus when this interrupted my thoughts.  I look up from the book and the toy box some how got flipped over while she was in it and the toy box ended up on top of her with all the contents dumped out and on top of her.  I was waiting for the "Mom!" or the tears but much to my surprise I didn't hear either.  Instead I hear, "What the hell just happened?  How did I end up with the toy box on top of me?  Mom is going to be so mad!"  Now, I really should have yelled at her for the swearing and for all the noise because of course, I just got her baby brother to sleep in the swing, but I just can't bring myself to say anything.  I am too busy trying to hide my laughter with the book I was so into at the time.  And by laughter I mean tears rolling down my face because I am laughing so hard but I am trying very hard to not let her hear me.  She some how managed to get herself out and pick up all the toys.  Mean while, my sex scene was ruined in my book.

The other day we were walking around Lowe's.  Lowe's is like a shopping mall to my husband.  He could go there for hours and just walk around looking at crap.  I am lucky if he actually purchases something.  Well, like usual we are wandering around and I have my baby in my arms talking to him and Lex is dressed to impress.  By this I mean stretch pants, a short sleeve shirt that really doesn't fit her and high heeled princess shoes that I bought at the Disney store.  I used to care what she looked like in public and I attempted to try and get her to wear normal outfits, but it is just too much of a fight and I just don't care anymore.  I started taking pictures so I can blackmail her when she is a teenager and not cooperating with me.  I am trying to pay attention to something my husband is talking to me about when I see something not quite right out of the corner of my eye.  Lex is humping a pole in the middle of Lowe's.  And I am not just talking about a little rub here and there, I am talking full blown wrapping her legs around it and moving up and down and I am pretty sure there was a little tongue action.  Now, I know that kids are kids and they do stuff.  I mean when I played with Barbie's when I was younger I had them doing the hanky panky and making babies and all that, but I don't think I ever went public with my tendencies.  And of course we are not alone in the isle.  So, I casually walk over to Lex and say, "Please stop humping the pole.  We are in public and I really don't want anyone to see you doing that."  She stops and says something I can't really hear to the pole and walks away.  The crazy part, I am not really phased by this and I pretty much just say, don't hump poles in public,

Is that Normal?

She is constantly surprising me by the stuff she does and I really should write a book about it but I am sure every parent says that about their child.

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