Yoga: A Tale of Ass Juice, Peen Stains, and Gin Sweat

I love yoga...specifically hot yoga. It's one of the few physical activities I feel like I'm actually pretty good at. That being said, my history of practicing yoga has been a series of seriously unfortunate (and excruciatingly embarrassing) events....ESPECIALLY as of recently. These aren't your normal, to be expected yoga mishaps either. You know, like a camel toe from your yoga pants or a loud fart/queef that slips out when you're in the ol' happy baby pose...these are a totally different breed of inappropriate yoga mishaps.

The Happy Baby pose...I mean COME ON...

The first time I went to a heated yoga class was in college. One of the girls I worked with at the time mentioned a heated yoga class that she had heard about and was dying to try. She said the room was heated to 105 degrees and the heat was supposed to help you sweat out your toxins and loosen your muscles up...I figured the heat would also help distract me from all the "OHM" chanting (which I've always found totally awkward) so I agreed and we made a plan to go on a Sunday morning around 8:00, before our shifts at work.

Well...the heat DEFINITELY had me sweating out all my toxins because the night before I had gotten HAMMERED...on gin (possibly the worst smelling booze out there)..and I was sweating that shit out of every single one of my pores. Not only did I smell like a homeless man at an AA meeting, I was also severely dehydrated and on the verge of passing out after every downward dog.

Even though my first attempt at hot yoga was extremely unpleasant, I continued to go until Joe and I moved. Then I was on the hunt for a new yoga studio...but having heated classes was a requirement and those are pretty rare up here in the sticks...After months of searching, I finally found a studio in the college town nearby that offered the heated classes I had been missing.

I was so excited the day of my first class at the new studio...and really nervous about going to a place I had never been before. It was a full house. The place was packed.  I signed in, paid my drop-in fee, found an open spot, rolled out my mat and this is what I found:

I can't make this up

Is it just me? Or does that stain look like a brown penis wearing a Mickey Mouse hat?

How did I stain my yoga mat? Well I've always kept it in the car. Sometimes in the trunk, sometimes in the back, sometimes on the floor on the passenger's side. It's a pain in the ass to lug the damn thing inside the house after every class...so this way it's always ready to go. I'm also a bit of a car slob. I throw shit everywhere...coffee cups, water bottles, granola bar wrappers. I'm guessing the peen stain was the result of a Vanilla Chai or Mocha Latte spill.

BUT WAIT. There's more.

Last week I went to my usual Sunday morning class, rolled out my yoga mat and a pungent stench emerged from the mat, completely filling the room. The smell was familiar...but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I could feel the chick next to me staring and everyone else in the 105 degree room judging me as the smelly girl in class (which is saying a lot...because no one smells particularly GOOD in such a hot environment, sweating their balls off). I pushed through the smell, despite the fact that it was getting significantly worse as it BAKED in the heat and mixed with everyone's B.O. About halfway through the class it hit me...Rosie (our dainty American Bulldog) SQUIRT all over my mat...probably while it was in the back seat of my car.

For those of you who don't know what a "squirt" is...simply put...it's anal juice...that leaks out my dogs ASS HOLE.  It definitely has a one of a kind scent...a scent that has no place in a yoga studio. I know the smell well, as Rosie squirts every time she's scared...and she's a huge weeny. It would make sense that she would squirt in my vehicle because she's TERRIFIED of tractor trailers...every time one passes, squirts happen. My car quite often smells like her ass juice. I should have known better.

It may seem like I'm a glutton for punishment returning to yoga every week...but I love it and always think it can't get any worse! So I keep going...and glorious things like these continue to happen.

At least I'm not queefing.

Oh...and I'm in the market for a new yoga mat.

What to Expect After.......

Ok..so there is a great book out there to follow when you are expecting, but what about the aftermath?  I don't see too much out there giving us women a heads up on what happens after you are in labor for 38 hours and you pushed for an hour and a half.  Don't get me wrong..."What to Expect When Your Expecting" was great for me when I was pregnant with my first child.  I read the whole thing from front to back and lived by it.  I also used Google a lot, which probably was not a good thing because I am pretty sure I called my doctor about 5 times crying about having a miscarriage, which never happened.  I also loved the movie, and by the way, I was that blonde chick that tried really hard to get pregnant and then hated the whole experience.  I didn't have to try hard to get pregnant but I really hated being pregnant.  I hated the weight gain, the uncontrollable bodily functions, the fact that I couldn't see my vagina...the list goes on and on.  So, I am making a few heads up about the after math.  I really wanted to write a book about this, but lets face it...probably not going to happen.

1)  Exploding Hemorrhoids: I heard of hemorrhoids when you were pregnant and I really wasn't unfamiliar with them, I actually have had them several times without being pregnant but I didn't know that they could go as far as EXPLODING and leaving your pants full of blood.  This was actually before I had my second child, about the 8th month in and I had to go see a butt doctor.  I realized there was a problem when I started bleeding from my butt and had to stuff my butt hole with toilet paper so I didn't ruin my under wear.  I mean what do you use to plug a butt whole?  I have no idea.  I had a busy day that day of course and I was on my way grocery shopping when I picked up my brother to help so he could lift all the heavy stuff for me...he got in my car and complained about having a bad day...and I said.."Oh really, I have a wad of toilet paper stuck up my butt right now so I don't bleed all over the place and you think you have had a bad day?!!!" Well the good news was the butt doctor actually said my butt looked pretty good considering I was almost 9 months pregnant and the hemorrhoid exploding was a good thing.  Other wise they would have had to numb my butt whole and drain the hemorrhoid.  EEEWWWWWW!

2)  PUPPPS:  I know a lot of you don't know what that means and I really don't feel like spelling it out but you can GOOGLE it.  This is a very severe rash that only like 1 in 10 pregnant women get and it is most common in the last trimester and if you are having a boy.  I got this rash about the last month in and it was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life!  There is no cure and there is NOTHING you can do or take to make it better.  It only goes away about 2 to 3 weeks after delivery.  This is probably the most uncomfortable and intolerable thing I have ever dealt with in my life.  It starts out in your stretch marks and spreads to your belly, arms, legs, and vagina!  It is small red dots that completely covers you and ITCHES like crazy!  I itched myself so bad that I actually bled and have scars from it.  It is terrible.  You think you have problems sleeping as it is being almost 9 months prego....well let me tell you....You have no idea unless you  have had this rash.  I hope that you never get it and I feel awful for the poor women that do.  Good luck with that!

3) Pain, Pain, and more Pain:  If you think that pushing out a kid is enough, well you haven't felt the after affects of the uterus shrinking and your butt hole screaming because you just pushed for over an hour.  Now, I only have had vaginal deliveries so I really don't know if this is true for C-Sections, but it hurts afterwards and it hurts pretty bad.  You see all these women on TV that look great after just giving birth and are smiling and blah blah blah, well let me tell you what...they are full of POOP.  You are having contractions after the birth too.  It sucks!  Not only have you just bled out your entire supply of blood but your uterus needs to go back to normal and your colon feels like you just got raped by a lot of very large black men.  And I mean that in a good way, well for them at least.  Now, after my first child I really didn't know what to expect and I figured I would have some pain killers and be on my merry way...OH NO!  Freaking Tylenol...Really?  That's all I get...I just pushed a 7lb baby out of my vagina and you are only giving me a freaking Tylenol!!!!  WTF!!  We have nurseries in the hospital for a reason.  Mom can't get doped up and sleep for a few hours before she brings home a screaming baby?  No, of course not!  Have fun with that!

4)  Keegals:  I don't care how many Keegals you do a day and how many times you do them.  When you have a child your bladder is SHOT!  Forget it...Trampoline's are a NO NO and sneezing and laughing on a full bladder is an invitation for trouble.  When I was at my brother's recently I was sitting on the couch and I had a few glasses of wine and hadn't gone to the bathroom recently.  I sneezed and not only did I pee my pants but it went through his couch.  Yes I just happened to be going commando that day, but still, I literally peed my pants and that wasn't the first time either.  My daughter asked me to jump on the trampoline with her the other day and I think I made it one jump and tinkle tinkle here we come!  Now, I have had two vaginal births and my recent one is only 4 months old but this is really pathetic.  I wasn't expecting to have to worry about buying Depends this soon in life.  I really have to watch what I am doing and where I am doing it.  And trust me...I did the Keegals on a regular basis...it really doesn't help!

5)  Appearance:  What ever you do, Don't look down there for at least a month.  Thanksgiving dinner has never been the same since.  I am pretty sure my vagina could gobble and I don't even want to tell you what my butt hole looked like.  Let's just say, if you like it in the butt...you are not going to want to do that for a while!!  As my Mom would say..."I have never seen hemorrhoids that big in my life"  She was there in the delivery room so she got full access.  Someone once told me that I wouldn't want to look at it for a while and of course I didn't listen and I regret it every day.  If your wondering why walking is a problem after you have giving birth..well it could be because you have golf ball size hemorrhoids or the fact that your vagina looks like a giant turkey.  Either way..not pretty!!


Happy Mother's Day!!!


Dana

HEY YOU GUYSSSSS

I have a nasty habit of catching falls with my face.

My face was first introduced to the floor when I was six. They've been besties ever since.

I was dicking around, swinging from the arm of our couch and rocking chair when I slipped and slammed my mouth into the floor. A couple buckets of blood later, my parents rushed me to the emergency room where the doctors slapped me into a straight jacket (apparently I was "too wiggly" while they were trying to get their hands all up in my grill. GO FIGURE) and informed us that the nerve in my front tooth had died, causing the tooth to turn a disturbing shade of gray. They assured us that this would be temporary and only affect my baby teeth. THEY WERE WRONG. Once those little suckers fell out, the adult teeth came in an equally disturbing yellowish color. VERY attractive.

The rocking chair crash was only the beginning of a long history of dental emergencies including (but not limited to), the time I was on a see-saw with my neighbor and the little bitch jumped off while I was on the upswing...causing me to crash to the ground and bash my poor, already damaged, gray front teeth into the handlebar. I've also fallen out of a school bus, tumbled down a couple hills, tripped running UP the DOWN escalator and slipped jumping rope...not once did it occur to me that I should probably extend my arms to soften the blow...instead of eating dirt. Literally.

I could have my own freaking montage on America's Funniest Home Videos.

As a result, I had some seriously jacked up teeth. I'm talking, pallet expander, six years of braces, multiple extractions, root canals, and a stray molar growing out of the roof of my mouth jacked up. If I hadn't followed the recommendations of my dentists, orthodontists and oral surgeons, I would probably look like Sloth from The Goonies right now:

"Heyyyy youuuuu guyyyyys"

(ALSO. I would have been the sexiest cave woman back in the day...when teeth of unusual colors, growing out of unexpected locations were all the rage. I was born in the wrong era.)

Anyway, when I was younger, trips to the dentist were easy. I was a total champ. During procedures that some would consider torture, I played it cool, not even breaking a sweat. Fast forward to 2013 and I'm singing a completely different tune. I had an appointment to have one of my wisdom teeth removed yesterday and by the way my anxiety was revved up (I almost "nervous crapped" my pants on the way there), you would think that I was signed up to have my arm amputated with a rusty saw.

I called my dentist to see what she could do for me to "take the edge off"  and she filled me in on a glorious solution to my problem. Nitrous Oxide. The way she described it sounded magical. "Inhale a couple deep breaths of the laughing gas and BAM...it's like you're drunk." I was sold. Drunk in the middle of the day? Just from breathing? Sign me up. The best part? It could be turned off once the procedure was finished. Being able to "turn off the drunk" would have come in handy on my twenty-first birthday while I was curled up in my bathtub with pillows and blankets crying because I "didn't want to be drunk anymore."

Armed with this knowledge, I waltzed in the dentist office ready to go! Wisdom tooth? Gimme the juice and get that bitch out of my face! Unfortunately, my hopes of being hammered in the middle of a workday were short lived. When I arrived, the dentist broke it to me that another patient would be utilizing the Nitrous Oxide since they worked on a "first come, first served" basis...I'd have to go through the procedure totally sober. Totally fucked up, right?

The procedure only took about fifteen minutes...but it was a LONG fifteen minutes of me deep throating my dentist's arm all the way up to her elbow while she reached in my mouth and assaulted my mandibular third molar. As if the mouth rape wasn't enough to throw my anxiety over the edge, throwing out words like "oozing" and "dry sockets" during the post-op discussion really did the trick. I was soaked in sweat and shaking like an abused chihuahua.

Once we left, I was THIS CLOSE to going over to the grocery store and buying 5 cans of whipped cream and getting some Nitrous Oxide on my own through a whippit binge...but decided to embrace the Vicodin prescription instead.

How we met.....

I am going to give you the story of how me and Lauren were introduced to each other.  I figured some people are probably questioning our relationship and wondering how the hell sister-in-laws get to be the way we are.

Now, most people that know me consider me to be a bitch.  Well as one of my friends would say, "I don't think you are a bitch, I just think you are really honest". (Thanks Jessica!)  I don't really like girls and most of my close friends were guys.  I can count on one hand how many close girl friends I have.  I just hate drama and I am a very honest person, which is not really accepted in the girl community.  So, I never had any lasting girl friendships.  This doesn't really bother me especially because I have two brothers and really had my hands full taking care of them.  Lauren's husband is the middle child and he was the nice guy.  And girls you know exactly what this means.  He always got burned and bitches walked all over him.  He was kinda chunky in high school but he had a great personality and could be a real charmer, but this is not what the girls wanted.  He was always "just the friend".  As you can imagine this really irritated me and any time Joey brought home a girl I was NEVER nice.  He always used to lecture me about being nice and how he really liked a girl and blah, blah, blah.  Well knowing my brother and how girls are, I really used to put his girlfriends through the ringer.  I was never nice and in fact I went out of my way to be mean.  No one was ever going to be good enough for him.  That was the bottom line.  Then came Lauren.  I was going to tell this story at their wedding when I made my toast, but of course the two of them decided to go off to the Dominican and have a destination wedding. Thanks.

I was visiting my brother for the weekend in MD when he was in the academy.  It was me, our Dad, and grandparents.  We just had a long day touring the academy and meeting a lot of people and watching a football game the academy put together for the families.  (It was family weekend for the police academy in MD.)  We were back at Joey's apartment and I just started bartending a few weeks ago and Joey bought some liquor for the weekend and he wanted me to make some drinks for us.  So a few hours have passed and the liquor is flowing pretty good and then Joey drops the bomb on me.  He informs me that the new girl is coming over in a few to meet us and I am to be nice!  I think he really had this planned the whole time.  Get his sister good and liquored up before the new girl comes over.  Great.  Joey's apartment was kinda small and I was sleeping on an air mattress in the living room for the weekend.  So, naturally that is what I am sitting on when Lauren comes over.  Do you know how hard it is to get off an air mattress when you are drunk?  Not to mention the farting noises it makes every time you move.  And to top it off when Lauren comes in she has her puppy with her that is licking me all over my face!  So, I am trying to get up to meet her and not look like such a retard but it is really not working out in my favor.  Again, I think Joey did this on purpose.  You can't really be intimidating when you're drunk, have a dog licking your face that probably just licked its butt, and you can't get off a freaking air mattress!  Mean while my Dad is in a comatose state in the recliner.  He wasn't feeling that great and popped some Nyquil on top of drinking for a few hours.  I am pretty sure he is seeing things that we are not and I probably should be worried, but he looks pretty happy, so I just let him be.  I finally manage to get up and ask Lauren if she would like a drink and of course she says yes.  So, me being me, I made a drink that I don't think even an alcoholic would touch.  I think I did a whole glass of Bacardi and a tiny splash of coke.  I guess at the time I thought this was funny and teach her a lesson, but the more I think about it, I don't really know what my plan was.  Get her drunk, poison her?  I have no idea.  And the poor girl actually drinks it and finishes it and does not complain once!  And thanks me on top of it!  Jeez...what an ass.  Lauren had me right then and there.  She was the nicest girl I have ever met and she was just so innocent and sweet.  I tried so hard to be mean but it just wasn't working out.  After a while I just felt like a bully.  She laughed at all my jokes and listened to all my drunken stories and just took everything in like a champ.  I could actually have a real conversation with her and enjoy it.  So, needless to say it has worked out and I love her like a sister and I am glad they found each other. 

Now, it is on to the next brother!

Is This Normal?

So, I normally don't like when parents constantly talk about their children and brag and all that crap, but I am dedicating this post to my daughter because sometimes I just don't know where she came from.  She really says and does the craziest things that I really question a lot of things that I may or may not have done during my pregnancy to create such a child.  She is 5 and will be starting Kindergarten full time this coming September.

We are sitting at the gas station one day while my husband was inside getting some stuff.  She is in the back seat and she is playing house like she usually does and talking to her pretend children.  She has two and they are Matthew and Sammy, which they are actual children in real life.  We have a couple that is good friends of ours and our children are close in age and naturally their children are Matthew and Samantha. The conversation goes like this:

 Lex:  Stop it you little BLASTARDS.  (Talking to her pretend children)  You guys are being little BLASTARDS.

Me:  Lex, what does BLASTARDS mean?

Lex:  You know Mom, it is the name that parents sometimes call their children,.

Me:  (Now it dawns on me)  You mean BASTARDS?

Lex:  Yeah Mom, that's the word...BASTARDS.

Me: (Silently laughing)  Ummm...I really don't think you should be using that word.  It is bad, please don't say it, especially at school.

Lex:  Ugghhh...ok Mom

And just to get one last one in, thinking I can't hear her, she says "Be quiet you little BASTARDS!"  At least she used the right word this time.


 She got into a fight with her toy box the other day and lost but it was pretty entertaining.  I was trying to read my 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, which I LOVE by the way, and I hear a big crash and some stuff hit the floor.  I was just getting into a naughty part of the book too and trying to focus when this interrupted my thoughts.  I look up from the book and the toy box some how got flipped over while she was in it and the toy box ended up on top of her with all the contents dumped out and on top of her.  I was waiting for the "Mom!" or the tears but much to my surprise I didn't hear either.  Instead I hear, "What the hell just happened?  How did I end up with the toy box on top of me?  Mom is going to be so mad!"  Now, I really should have yelled at her for the swearing and for all the noise because of course, I just got her baby brother to sleep in the swing, but I just can't bring myself to say anything.  I am too busy trying to hide my laughter with the book I was so into at the time.  And by laughter I mean tears rolling down my face because I am laughing so hard but I am trying very hard to not let her hear me.  She some how managed to get herself out and pick up all the toys.  Mean while, my sex scene was ruined in my book.

The other day we were walking around Lowe's.  Lowe's is like a shopping mall to my husband.  He could go there for hours and just walk around looking at crap.  I am lucky if he actually purchases something.  Well, like usual we are wandering around and I have my baby in my arms talking to him and Lex is dressed to impress.  By this I mean stretch pants, a short sleeve shirt that really doesn't fit her and high heeled princess shoes that I bought at the Disney store.  I used to care what she looked like in public and I attempted to try and get her to wear normal outfits, but it is just too much of a fight and I just don't care anymore.  I started taking pictures so I can blackmail her when she is a teenager and not cooperating with me.  I am trying to pay attention to something my husband is talking to me about when I see something not quite right out of the corner of my eye.  Lex is humping a pole in the middle of Lowe's.  And I am not just talking about a little rub here and there, I am talking full blown wrapping her legs around it and moving up and down and I am pretty sure there was a little tongue action.  Now, I know that kids are kids and they do stuff.  I mean when I played with Barbie's when I was younger I had them doing the hanky panky and making babies and all that, but I don't think I ever went public with my tendencies.  And of course we are not alone in the isle.  So, I casually walk over to Lex and say, "Please stop humping the pole.  We are in public and I really don't want anyone to see you doing that."  She stops and says something I can't really hear to the pole and walks away.  The crazy part, I am not really phased by this and I pretty much just say, don't hump poles in public,

Is that Normal?


She is constantly surprising me by the stuff she does and I really should write a book about it but I am sure every parent says that about their child.