May 12, 2013

What to Expect After....... there is a great book out there to follow when you are expecting, but what about the aftermath?  I don't see too much out there giving us women a heads up on what happens after you are in labor for 38 hours and you pushed for an hour and a half.  Don't get me wrong..."What to Expect When Your Expecting" was great for me when I was pregnant with my first child.  I read the whole thing from front to back and lived by it.  I also used Google a lot, which probably was not a good thing because I am pretty sure I called my doctor about 5 times crying about having a miscarriage, which never happened.  I also loved the movie, and by the way, I was that blonde chick that tried really hard to get pregnant and then hated the whole experience.  I didn't have to try hard to get pregnant but I really hated being pregnant.  I hated the weight gain, the uncontrollable bodily functions, the fact that I couldn't see my vagina...the list goes on and on.  So, I am making a few heads up about the after math.  I really wanted to write a book about this, but lets face it...probably not going to happen.

1)  Exploding Hemorrhoids: I heard of hemorrhoids when you were pregnant and I really wasn't unfamiliar with them, I actually have had them several times without being pregnant but I didn't know that they could go as far as EXPLODING and leaving your pants full of blood.  This was actually before I had my second child, about the 8th month in and I had to go see a butt doctor.  I realized there was a problem when I started bleeding from my butt and had to stuff my butt hole with toilet paper so I didn't ruin my under wear.  I mean what do you use to plug a butt whole?  I have no idea.  I had a busy day that day of course and I was on my way grocery shopping when I picked up my brother to help so he could lift all the heavy stuff for me...he got in my car and complained about having a bad day...and I said.."Oh really, I have a wad of toilet paper stuck up my butt right now so I don't bleed all over the place and you think you have had a bad day?!!!" Well the good news was the butt doctor actually said my butt looked pretty good considering I was almost 9 months pregnant and the hemorrhoid exploding was a good thing.  Other wise they would have had to numb my butt whole and drain the hemorrhoid.  EEEWWWWWW!

2)  PUPPPS:  I know a lot of you don't know what that means and I really don't feel like spelling it out but you can GOOGLE it.  This is a very severe rash that only like 1 in 10 pregnant women get and it is most common in the last trimester and if you are having a boy.  I got this rash about the last month in and it was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life!  There is no cure and there is NOTHING you can do or take to make it better.  It only goes away about 2 to 3 weeks after delivery.  This is probably the most uncomfortable and intolerable thing I have ever dealt with in my life.  It starts out in your stretch marks and spreads to your belly, arms, legs, and vagina!  It is small red dots that completely covers you and ITCHES like crazy!  I itched myself so bad that I actually bled and have scars from it.  It is terrible.  You think you have problems sleeping as it is being almost 9 months prego....well let me tell you....You have no idea unless you  have had this rash.  I hope that you never get it and I feel awful for the poor women that do.  Good luck with that!

3) Pain, Pain, and more Pain:  If you think that pushing out a kid is enough, well you haven't felt the after affects of the uterus shrinking and your butt hole screaming because you just pushed for over an hour.  Now, I only have had vaginal deliveries so I really don't know if this is true for C-Sections, but it hurts afterwards and it hurts pretty bad.  You see all these women on TV that look great after just giving birth and are smiling and blah blah blah, well let me tell you what...they are full of POOP.  You are having contractions after the birth too.  It sucks!  Not only have you just bled out your entire supply of blood but your uterus needs to go back to normal and your colon feels like you just got raped by a lot of very large black men.  And I mean that in a good way, well for them at least.  Now, after my first child I really didn't know what to expect and I figured I would have some pain killers and be on my merry way...OH NO!  Freaking Tylenol...Really?  That's all I get...I just pushed a 7lb baby out of my vagina and you are only giving me a freaking Tylenol!!!!  WTF!!  We have nurseries in the hospital for a reason.  Mom can't get doped up and sleep for a few hours before she brings home a screaming baby?  No, of course not!  Have fun with that!

4)  Keegals:  I don't care how many Keegals you do a day and how many times you do them.  When you have a child your bladder is SHOT!  Forget it...Trampoline's are a NO NO and sneezing and laughing on a full bladder is an invitation for trouble.  When I was at my brother's recently I was sitting on the couch and I had a few glasses of wine and hadn't gone to the bathroom recently.  I sneezed and not only did I pee my pants but it went through his couch.  Yes I just happened to be going commando that day, but still, I literally peed my pants and that wasn't the first time either.  My daughter asked me to jump on the trampoline with her the other day and I think I made it one jump and tinkle tinkle here we come!  Now, I have had two vaginal births and my recent one is only 4 months old but this is really pathetic.  I wasn't expecting to have to worry about buying Depends this soon in life.  I really have to watch what I am doing and where I am doing it.  And trust me...I did the Keegals on a regular really doesn't help!

5)  Appearance:  What ever you do, Don't look down there for at least a month.  Thanksgiving dinner has never been the same since.  I am pretty sure my vagina could gobble and I don't even want to tell you what my butt hole looked like.  Let's just say, if you like it in the are not going to want to do that for a while!!  As my Mom would say..."I have never seen hemorrhoids that big in my life"  She was there in the delivery room so she got full access.  Someone once told me that I wouldn't want to look at it for a while and of course I didn't listen and I regret it every day.  If your wondering why walking is a problem after you have giving birth..well it could be because you have golf ball size hemorrhoids or the fact that your vagina looks like a giant turkey.  Either way..not pretty!!

Happy Mother's Day!!!


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