All right ladies now I know that everyone has had their bad hair days. We have all been through it and we will continue to go through it, especially after you have kids. Your hair is not even the hair you remember in high school. Some women get lucky and it becomes thicker and softer and flows and the color itself is like one out of a movie. Then there is the other sad few that get screwed. It starts to fall out, you lose your bounce and the color has turned into a pinch between brown poop and Pippie Long Stocking. I have had several bad hair days but there are a few that really stick out (and I mean literally) that I just have to mention.
My lovely Sister-in-law reminded me the other day of the time I bought the ethnic hair conditioner (and I am using the word ethnic because I don't want to insult anyone and I don't want to use the incorrect term) and I really didn't know it. You know how in the shampoo/conditioner isle you have miles and miles of the white person stuff and then there is the tiny section of the ethnic area? Well I was in search of a new conditioner and I wandered to the fine line of white and ethnic area. I was eyeing this conditioner that really wasn't in the ethnic section and really wasn't in the white section. It said that it was very nourishing and good for dry hair and the price was good plus it was a pink bottle and I couldn't resist. I looked at it for a long while because I really was in a debate with myself of whether it was for the white's or different race. There was no picture on the bottle and it did not say anywhere that it was meant for people of different ethnicities. (again trying to be politically correct) So I went ahead and purchased it. The first time I used it I thought in the shower that it was great. My hair felt smooth and I didn't have any snarls and I thought AWEOME, I just found a new conditioner that is cheap and works great. Then I blow dried. Well let me just say that Diana Ross had nothing on me. My hair could have been in a rap video. I had no idea that it could even get to the potential. It looked like I had teased it for hours and then added some Hair Net for another couple of hours. And let me just say, I have blonde hair and it is very fine so this was really a new look for me. I had to be at work so I had no time to try and fix it, not to mention I didn't even know where to start. I was a bartender at the time and when I walked in one of my regulars asked me if I was going dancing or to the club later. I said "No why?" And he said "Your hair looks like you might be going dancing or getting wild later." I just pretended like I was trying something new and I meant for it to look like that. I was at my brother's and my sister-in-laws that following weekend and brought the conditioner and used it to show them what it did to my hair. They all agreed it was not meant for my hair type. A few weeks later a friend of mine (who is also my hair stylist and knew the story) sent me a picture of that same conditioner clearly in the ethnic section. Live and learn I guess.
A few months ago I decided that I was going back to coloring my own hair. I just do highlights and all through college I had a roommate do it for me using one of the kits and never had a problem. It saved a ton of money and time. When I met my lovely husband he would pay for me to get it done and take care of me but after the kids I just don't have the time. Call me crazy but it is too much to try and find a babysitter and then pay them for me to sit in a salon for hours and hours listening to someone talk that I really don't want to talk to. So I decided I would go back to doing it myself. Everything was going great and the color was looking good until one day I got lazy. I decided instead of pulling my hair through a cap I would just use the highlighting kit and just color my roots. Why not right? BIG MISTAKE. The top of my head was white, like printer paper white and the rest of my hair was a normal blonde. So instead of just going through the process again and pulling my hair through the cap to even it out, I decided that I will buy a blonde dye and tone down the white. Well I learned that I can't use a blonde dye on white hair, it turns my hair orange. So now instead of the top of my head being white, it was ORANGE. Great so now what? So stubborn me goes back to the store and buys a root touch up thinking I could just put it on the orange part and it would blend in. Nope not really. It more mixed then blended. I ended up just coloring the normal part of my hair darker and it really did nothing for the orange part at all. I figured I should give my hair a break seeing how I just colored it 3 times in two days but that didn't last long. My mother in law really let me know how it looked when she saw me and her faced pretty much dropped to the ground and she said "What the hell did you do to your hair?" So off to the store again but this time I bought the highlighting kit and said I will not be lazy I will pull hair through and make this right. One of my friends that I was telling this story to asked me "At one point did you just think maybe I should go get this fixed professionally?" No of course not! I was bound and determined to fix this myself and still save money, my hair on the other hand, not really feeling the same. So I get the kit and I'm at home, the baby finally fell asleep so I had two hours to get this done. As I am mixing the stuff together and getting ready for the cap I noticed that they forget to put in the tool that you use to pull the hair through. Now I have a dilemma. I know that the store that I just bought this from only had one left, so I could return it but then I wouldn't be able to get the same kit. I could get my money back and buy it some where else but that would just take too much time. So, I look through the junk drawer and find a screw. I looked at the cap and then at the screw and said "why not?". I used a freaking screw to pull my hair through the little holes. It worked. It took some time but it was successful. I lost a good chuck of hair and had to do some major damage control but my hair came out a normal blonde color. I was afraid every time I showered that I would just find clumps of hair in the drain but to my astonishment it wasn't too bad. I have yet to color it again but I am do soon and I know now that I CANNOT be lazy and worse case scenario, you can use a screw to pull your hair through the cap.
Live and Learn.
Dana
August 6, 2013
It Could Happen.....
So you know how some of those scary movies have scenes that people watch and totally think or even say...that would never happen in real life? Like the chick with the white tank top on and big boobs running through the woods getting chased by a chain saw guy and then it starts to rain and then she trips on some rusty piece of junk that would never be there in real life? Well my brother had one of those moments and it was so bad that I actually had to say "That's the stuff that happens in a scary movie and you say that would never happen" Well it did and he lived through it.
My brother is a Sheriff and I really wish I could talk about a lot of the stuff he does and sees but for privacy reasons and laws I am not allowed. Let's just say though that the show Cops doesn't even touch on some of the stuff my brother sees and does. I get a phone call from him one day and he says you would never believe what happened to me the other night. He proceeds to tell me that he got a call to go check out a warehouse that had their security alarm going off. As a Deputy he has to go in and inspect and make sure everything is ok but most of the time it is usually a bogus call. As he was walking around the dark warehouse all alone his flash light goes out. Then he says he tried to make a call on the radio and the radio when out! So he is alone in the dark warehouse with no flash light and no radio! I immediately started laughing. And of course he did not find that very amusing but I couldn't help myself. I was like don't you realize that you should have been in a movie and half the people in the audience would be like that would never happen!!! But I guess now it can. So don't always mock the horror movie some things can really come true! He managed to use the light on his cell phone to find his way out and all was good.
Also, if you ever come in contact with a snake and happen to have pepper spray on you, they don't like it. Another story from my brother. The big bad Sheriff was once again in a warehouse and came face to face with a big black snake (not really sure what kind or if it was really dangerous but that was just how he described it) and he said the snake looked at him weird so he panicked and pepper sprayed it. He said it worked though and the snake ran away. Glad the tax payers dollars are being well spent on snakes! Although in all honesty I would have shot the thing or even tazed it. That would have been awesome. I hate snakes and so does he but now we know what to do!
In a lighter note, my daughter told me the other day that if she had a change-o-machine she would use it to take away my belly fat. I thought I was doing pretty good considering I have an 8 month old but according to my daughter I have belly fat. I guess it is good though that she would help me out!
Dana
My brother is a Sheriff and I really wish I could talk about a lot of the stuff he does and sees but for privacy reasons and laws I am not allowed. Let's just say though that the show Cops doesn't even touch on some of the stuff my brother sees and does. I get a phone call from him one day and he says you would never believe what happened to me the other night. He proceeds to tell me that he got a call to go check out a warehouse that had their security alarm going off. As a Deputy he has to go in and inspect and make sure everything is ok but most of the time it is usually a bogus call. As he was walking around the dark warehouse all alone his flash light goes out. Then he says he tried to make a call on the radio and the radio when out! So he is alone in the dark warehouse with no flash light and no radio! I immediately started laughing. And of course he did not find that very amusing but I couldn't help myself. I was like don't you realize that you should have been in a movie and half the people in the audience would be like that would never happen!!! But I guess now it can. So don't always mock the horror movie some things can really come true! He managed to use the light on his cell phone to find his way out and all was good.
Also, if you ever come in contact with a snake and happen to have pepper spray on you, they don't like it. Another story from my brother. The big bad Sheriff was once again in a warehouse and came face to face with a big black snake (not really sure what kind or if it was really dangerous but that was just how he described it) and he said the snake looked at him weird so he panicked and pepper sprayed it. He said it worked though and the snake ran away. Glad the tax payers dollars are being well spent on snakes! Although in all honesty I would have shot the thing or even tazed it. That would have been awesome. I hate snakes and so does he but now we know what to do!
In a lighter note, my daughter told me the other day that if she had a change-o-machine she would use it to take away my belly fat. I thought I was doing pretty good considering I have an 8 month old but according to my daughter I have belly fat. I guess it is good though that she would help me out!
Dana
July 1, 2013
I Can Still Smell It
Dana's last post had me thinking a lot about...well...barf.
As far back as I can remember I've had a paralyzing fear of vomit. It's not an "EW! GROSS! BARF! ICKY!" feeling...It is more of a legit "PANIC! CURL-UP-IN-A-CORNER-COVERING-MY-NOSE-EARS-EYES-AND-MOUTH (so I don't taste the fumes, duh)" phobia status.
For a long time I tried my hardest to avoid fairs and amusement parks and large groups of children because I was in a constant state of anxiety, looking for puke at every corner. I was SURE I would stumble across someone with their head in one of those giant garbage bins or that if I saw a child jumping around, it would spew or even worse, that someone would blow chunks while upside down on a roller coaster and gravity would force the barf down to land on me.
When I was little, I couldn't even read books where there was a puke scene without my mouth drying up and getting the cold sweats and feeling betrayed by the author. To this day when a character spews in a movie, I impulsively yell at the television which makes everyone else in the room jump and look at me funny.
Phobias, by definition, are EXTREME and IRRATIONAL fears.
Check and check.
Most people don't really take me seriously when I disclose this...fun fact...about myself. I don't even think my husband really understood the severity of this issue until we were in Target about a month ago.
It started out as such a nice Target run. Usually when we go together, he wants get what we need and get outta there as quickly as possible...while I prefer to take my time going through every aisle, admiring and window shopping. On this particular day, he allowed me to peruse every aisle...it was wonderful.
Until we turned into the mirror aisle.
I noticed two Target employees with rubber gloves on, cleaning up what I assumed was a broken mirror. I start to steer our cart into the aisle when one of the employees points at the ground and says, "Um...that's uhh...throw up." I look down and see that I've rolled my cart over a large pink splat on the floor covered in powder and LOSE. MY. SHIT.
Joe moseys away LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED while I spend the rest of the shopping trip shaking and rambling all, "Oh my god I can still smell it" "Oh my god did I step in it?" "Oh my god do you smell that?" "Oh my god the cart wheel is making a barf trail" "Oh my god the smell is in my hair" "Oh my god I have to get rid of these shoes" "Oh my god the pink splat is en-grained in my line of vision" "Oh my god I can taste it" "OH MY GOD I STILL SMELL IT!!"
I talked about it the whole car ride home.
Even after we got back and showered, I could STILL smell it.
I dreamt about vomit that night.
I think that's when he realized this shit is REAL.
Or maybe it was when we moved into our new house and I requested that he never vomit in our en-suite bathroom. Every time he says his stomach hurts, I make sure he knows that I expect him to leave our bedroom and vom in the guest bathroom if he feels the urge....and definitely not to get his hopes up that I might rub his back or hold his hair back.
Sometimes I worry that he thinks I'm kidding...
I'm definitely not.
PS: I googled "vomit phobia" and IT IS REAL. I AM NOT ALONE. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emetophobia
June 26, 2013
Random....
I need to start off by asking if anyone has seen the new BMW commercial? It is freaking hilarious. Let me break it down. The husband pulls into the drive way of his home, obviously in the BMW and his email pops up on the radio screen and says..."Hi Honey, my mom stopped by see you when you get home." The husband looks at his email then looks at the house then puts the car in reverse. As he is backing out the email pops up again and says..."Hey honey, where the HONK are you going?" And you actually hear the car honking during the little blurb that really is the F word. I think that is great...anyone? I love my in laws so I don't have that feeling but my husband and mother definitely have a love hate relationship and that is something he would do. LOVE IT!
So a few weeks ago the stomach bug ran rapid through our house. I hate stomach bugs. I would rather have anything but a stomach bug. The puking, diarrhea, nausea, give me anything but that. Not to mention that they are extremely contagious and usually if one person in your household has it then the whole family is going to get it. Stomach bug and kids...not a good combination. My husband got the bug on Friday and my daughter got the bug on Monday. She was a trooper...I will giver her that. It was actually Memorial Day and we had some friends over for a BBQ. My daughter was playing bubbles with her friend when she started vomiting. Not just a little either, like a whole hot dog and then some. I cleaned her up and got her to rest and gave her some water and she was like I am good. So I figured it was just a fluke and she was ok. Really I was having a good time with my friends and I really didn't want to deal with a sick kid so I sent her back out to play. Yes, I know horrible mother, but you only get so much time to yourself...you want to enjoy it. I don't think it was 20 minutes later and she was on the deck vomiting again. She has the whole yard to throw up in and she comes on the deck where every one is and starts barfing. Awesome. At this point I figured she was really sick and needed to go to bed. So I unfortunately asked our guest to leave so I can tend to my daughter. What I didn't expect was a replica of the exorcist.
What started out as just barfing and needing to rest turned into world war 3. As she was barfing in her pan I gave her she pooped a little. I figured she was barfing so hard that it just slipped and she would be ok. I get her in the shower and cleaned up and of course after all that she needs to barf again. So she is leaning over the toilet and barfing and while this is going on I notice that she has poop running down her leg. I say "Lex do you know that your are pooping?" And she says "No Mom I just farted" And I'm like "No Lex you are pooping" She had no idea. This is how bad this stomach bug was. She had no idea that crap was running down her leg. She literally thought that she just farted and no big deal. Oh no. This was the messiest stomach bug I have ever witnessed in my life. And it SMELLED! The pooped smelled, the barf smelled, my daughter smelled....everything smelled. At one point as I was cleaning my daughter, I actually stuck my head in her barf bowl because I thought I was going to lose it. That is how bad it smelled and I don't have a weak stomach. I can actually tolerate a lot! My husband's under wear was in the garbage when he had it too so he also fell victim to the whole pooping the pants thing. I did eventually get the bug but lucky for me I DID NOT poop my pants!
So a few weeks ago the stomach bug ran rapid through our house. I hate stomach bugs. I would rather have anything but a stomach bug. The puking, diarrhea, nausea, give me anything but that. Not to mention that they are extremely contagious and usually if one person in your household has it then the whole family is going to get it. Stomach bug and kids...not a good combination. My husband got the bug on Friday and my daughter got the bug on Monday. She was a trooper...I will giver her that. It was actually Memorial Day and we had some friends over for a BBQ. My daughter was playing bubbles with her friend when she started vomiting. Not just a little either, like a whole hot dog and then some. I cleaned her up and got her to rest and gave her some water and she was like I am good. So I figured it was just a fluke and she was ok. Really I was having a good time with my friends and I really didn't want to deal with a sick kid so I sent her back out to play. Yes, I know horrible mother, but you only get so much time to yourself...you want to enjoy it. I don't think it was 20 minutes later and she was on the deck vomiting again. She has the whole yard to throw up in and she comes on the deck where every one is and starts barfing. Awesome. At this point I figured she was really sick and needed to go to bed. So I unfortunately asked our guest to leave so I can tend to my daughter. What I didn't expect was a replica of the exorcist.
What started out as just barfing and needing to rest turned into world war 3. As she was barfing in her pan I gave her she pooped a little. I figured she was barfing so hard that it just slipped and she would be ok. I get her in the shower and cleaned up and of course after all that she needs to barf again. So she is leaning over the toilet and barfing and while this is going on I notice that she has poop running down her leg. I say "Lex do you know that your are pooping?" And she says "No Mom I just farted" And I'm like "No Lex you are pooping" She had no idea. This is how bad this stomach bug was. She had no idea that crap was running down her leg. She literally thought that she just farted and no big deal. Oh no. This was the messiest stomach bug I have ever witnessed in my life. And it SMELLED! The pooped smelled, the barf smelled, my daughter smelled....everything smelled. At one point as I was cleaning my daughter, I actually stuck my head in her barf bowl because I thought I was going to lose it. That is how bad it smelled and I don't have a weak stomach. I can actually tolerate a lot! My husband's under wear was in the garbage when he had it too so he also fell victim to the whole pooping the pants thing. I did eventually get the bug but lucky for me I DID NOT poop my pants!
Humiliating....
So I had this bright idea to take the Police/Sheriff test a few months ago and all in all it was a sign that this was not for me. The place where I worked closed and I was about 7 months prego when that happened so me getting a new job...not happening. I was on unemployment or unenjoyment as my dad would call it and they are a stickler about job searches and all that so I thought it would be a good idea to take a civil service test because it was free for people on unemployment. The test was in November and to be quite honest I really didn't think that was going to happen because it was very close to my due date and if my second child was like my first then I was going to be early. Well the test date came and no baby. I did study and took the practice test so I was ready to go. This should have been my first clue.....
I walk into the auditorium where the test was given and one of the test proctors asked if I would like to sit in the handicap section. Now, I am not a big girl but being pregnant I am all belly so I wasn't too offended by this but it was definitely not a good thing in the back of my mind. As I looked around and noticed that if I chose not to sit in the handicap section I would be on top of two other people and would have to squeeze down a very small isle and the handicap section was looking pretty good. They were pretty much double sized desks in the way back very far apart. I chose the handicap section naturally. The only down side, the proctors forgot I was back there because of course I was the only one in the handicap section at a police/sheriff test, so I would have to raise my hand constantly because they would forget to give me the test sheets and booklets.
I thought I bombed the test. I walked out of there not really feeling good at all about the test and pretty sure that I was not going to hear anything ever! So I had my son and life moved on until May. I got a letter in the mail saying that I scored high on the test so I was to report to the YMCA 3 weeks later and do the physical fitness test. Not so good. I had a 4 month old and I had 3 weeks to get my fat ass into shape. This is what they require of a 27 year old female: 32 sit ups in a minute, 15 push ups with no break and run a mile and a half in 14 minutes 50 seconds. This really doesn't sound so bad until you have had 2 children one of them who is only 4 months and you have pretty much accepted what your body was going to be from this moment on. I am an athletic person I always have been so I wasn't going to not show up and I wasn't going to not at least try. So, for 3 weeks I pushed myself and worked on running, sit ups, and push ups every day. The push ups I had down. I was always pretty good with upper body strength. The run I had down to like the last second. The sit ups on the other hand..not happening. At my best I was doing like 25 sit ups in a minute. I was kinda hoping that adrenaline would kick in and I would just bang out the rest and be down with it.
So, the test day came and I showed up to where I needed to be and walked into a group of about 6 girls. Yes girls, not women. They were discussing the college classes they were missing that day to take the test. I think one of them had told me that she just turned 21 and the other one had just turned 22 like a week ago. There was one other woman there who was older than me but she was in the State Trooper boot camp and she was just taking this test as a back up. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!!! No one was married, no one had kids and this was just another day for them. I instantly started to sweat. Of course the first test was the sit ups. Now once you fail a section you are done. You are not allowed to continue with the rest of the test and if you want to try again you have to pay a fee and wait until the next test comes around. So of course, the sit ups are the first obstacle. I think 3 girls went ahead of me and they all pass. Now it was my turn. By the way you have some amped up chick who runs the boot camp sitting (yes I mean literally sitting) on your feet holding you down and she is all serious. No joke cracking with her. I thought she was going to suck my blood for a second. Also, to make it a legit sit up your hands have to be inter locked behind your head, the back of your shoulder blades need to touch the mat, and your knees need to touch your elbows on your way up. So I got all ready I was laying on the mat and the guy with the stop watch said GO....I was off, but not to the start I wanted. I think I did like 10 good ones and it was all down hill from there. I did NOT have the adrenaline I was hoping for nor the motivation. I was actually trying not to laugh and this poor girl was actually saying..."YOU CAN DO IT...COME ON" I started laughing at one point and I think I did a total of 20 when the guy said TIME. I was the only one who failed the sit ups. I wanted to scream..I JUST HAD A BABY...but I didn't. I was actually very proud of myself. I wished the rest of the girls luck and walked out of the room with my head held high. Now once I got into the parking lot...all bets were off. I had tears rolling down my face and I was still trying to tell myself that it wasn't a big deal and I just had a baby and this wasn't what I wanted right now in my life. I got home and my mother in law was watching my kids and she was like....wow that was fast...I guess you didn't make it. Nope..I failed miserably. They couldn't start off with the push ups..which by the way the other girls didn't think they were going to pass those and I would have blown them away in that section, but NO lets do the sit ups and make the old lady embarrassed.
Needless to say, I am glad I at least tried, but I am also very glad it is over with and I get to be home with my kids. Lessoned learned.
Dana
I walk into the auditorium where the test was given and one of the test proctors asked if I would like to sit in the handicap section. Now, I am not a big girl but being pregnant I am all belly so I wasn't too offended by this but it was definitely not a good thing in the back of my mind. As I looked around and noticed that if I chose not to sit in the handicap section I would be on top of two other people and would have to squeeze down a very small isle and the handicap section was looking pretty good. They were pretty much double sized desks in the way back very far apart. I chose the handicap section naturally. The only down side, the proctors forgot I was back there because of course I was the only one in the handicap section at a police/sheriff test, so I would have to raise my hand constantly because they would forget to give me the test sheets and booklets.
I thought I bombed the test. I walked out of there not really feeling good at all about the test and pretty sure that I was not going to hear anything ever! So I had my son and life moved on until May. I got a letter in the mail saying that I scored high on the test so I was to report to the YMCA 3 weeks later and do the physical fitness test. Not so good. I had a 4 month old and I had 3 weeks to get my fat ass into shape. This is what they require of a 27 year old female: 32 sit ups in a minute, 15 push ups with no break and run a mile and a half in 14 minutes 50 seconds. This really doesn't sound so bad until you have had 2 children one of them who is only 4 months and you have pretty much accepted what your body was going to be from this moment on. I am an athletic person I always have been so I wasn't going to not show up and I wasn't going to not at least try. So, for 3 weeks I pushed myself and worked on running, sit ups, and push ups every day. The push ups I had down. I was always pretty good with upper body strength. The run I had down to like the last second. The sit ups on the other hand..not happening. At my best I was doing like 25 sit ups in a minute. I was kinda hoping that adrenaline would kick in and I would just bang out the rest and be down with it.
So, the test day came and I showed up to where I needed to be and walked into a group of about 6 girls. Yes girls, not women. They were discussing the college classes they were missing that day to take the test. I think one of them had told me that she just turned 21 and the other one had just turned 22 like a week ago. There was one other woman there who was older than me but she was in the State Trooper boot camp and she was just taking this test as a back up. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!!! No one was married, no one had kids and this was just another day for them. I instantly started to sweat. Of course the first test was the sit ups. Now once you fail a section you are done. You are not allowed to continue with the rest of the test and if you want to try again you have to pay a fee and wait until the next test comes around. So of course, the sit ups are the first obstacle. I think 3 girls went ahead of me and they all pass. Now it was my turn. By the way you have some amped up chick who runs the boot camp sitting (yes I mean literally sitting) on your feet holding you down and she is all serious. No joke cracking with her. I thought she was going to suck my blood for a second. Also, to make it a legit sit up your hands have to be inter locked behind your head, the back of your shoulder blades need to touch the mat, and your knees need to touch your elbows on your way up. So I got all ready I was laying on the mat and the guy with the stop watch said GO....I was off, but not to the start I wanted. I think I did like 10 good ones and it was all down hill from there. I did NOT have the adrenaline I was hoping for nor the motivation. I was actually trying not to laugh and this poor girl was actually saying..."YOU CAN DO IT...COME ON" I started laughing at one point and I think I did a total of 20 when the guy said TIME. I was the only one who failed the sit ups. I wanted to scream..I JUST HAD A BABY...but I didn't. I was actually very proud of myself. I wished the rest of the girls luck and walked out of the room with my head held high. Now once I got into the parking lot...all bets were off. I had tears rolling down my face and I was still trying to tell myself that it wasn't a big deal and I just had a baby and this wasn't what I wanted right now in my life. I got home and my mother in law was watching my kids and she was like....wow that was fast...I guess you didn't make it. Nope..I failed miserably. They couldn't start off with the push ups..which by the way the other girls didn't think they were going to pass those and I would have blown them away in that section, but NO lets do the sit ups and make the old lady embarrassed.
Needless to say, I am glad I at least tried, but I am also very glad it is over with and I get to be home with my kids. Lessoned learned.
Dana
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