I Can Still Smell It

Dana's last post had me thinking a lot about...well...barf.

As far back as I can remember I've had a paralyzing fear of vomit. It's not an "EW! GROSS! BARF! ICKY!" feeling...It is more of a legit "PANIC! CURL-UP-IN-A-CORNER-COVERING-MY-NOSE-EARS-EYES-AND-MOUTH (so I don't taste the fumes, duh)" phobia status. 

For a long time I tried my hardest to avoid fairs and amusement parks and large groups of children because I was in a constant state of anxiety, looking for puke at every corner. I was SURE I would stumble across someone with their head in one of those giant garbage bins or that if I saw a child jumping around, it would spew or even worse, that someone would blow chunks while upside down on a roller coaster and gravity would force the barf down to land on me.

When I was little, I couldn't even read books where there was a puke scene without my mouth drying up and getting the cold sweats and feeling betrayed by the author. To this day when a character spews in a movie, I impulsively yell at the television which makes everyone else in the room jump and look at me funny.

Phobias, by definition, are EXTREME and IRRATIONAL fears. 

Check and check.

Most people don't really take me seriously when I disclose this...fun fact...about myself. I don't even think my husband really understood the severity of this issue until we were in Target about a month ago. 

It started out as such a nice Target run. Usually when we go together, he wants get what we need and get outta there as quickly as possible...while I prefer to take my time going through every aisle, admiring and window shopping. On this particular day, he allowed me to peruse every aisle...it was wonderful. 

Until we turned into the mirror aisle. 

I noticed two Target employees with rubber gloves on, cleaning up what I assumed was a broken mirror. I start to steer our cart into the aisle when one of the employees points at the ground and says, "Um...that's uhh...throw up." I look down and see that I've rolled my cart over a large pink splat on the floor covered in powder and LOSE. MY. SHIT. 

Joe moseys away LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED while I spend the rest of the shopping trip shaking and rambling all, "Oh my god I can still smell it" "Oh my god did I step in it?" "Oh my god do you smell that?" "Oh my god the cart wheel is making a barf trail" "Oh my god the smell is in my hair" "Oh my god I have to get rid of these shoes" "Oh my god the pink splat is en-grained in my line of vision" "Oh my god I can taste it" "OH MY GOD I STILL SMELL IT!!"

I talked about it the whole car ride home.

Even after we got back and showered, I could STILL smell it.

I dreamt about vomit that night.

I think that's when he realized this shit is REAL.

Or maybe it was when we moved into our new house and I requested that he never vomit in our en-suite bathroom. Every time he says his stomach hurts, I make sure he knows that I expect him to leave our bedroom and vom in the guest bathroom if he feels the urge....and definitely not to get his hopes up that I might rub his back or hold his hair back. 

Sometimes I worry that he thinks I'm kidding...

I'm definitely not.

PS: I googled "vomit phobia" and IT IS REAL. I AM NOT ALONE. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emetophobia

Random....

I need to start off by asking if anyone has seen the new BMW commercial?  It is freaking hilarious.  Let me break it down.  The husband pulls into the drive way of his home, obviously in the BMW and his email pops up on the radio screen and says..."Hi Honey, my mom stopped by see you when you get home."  The husband looks at his email then looks at the house then puts the car in reverse.  As he is backing out the email pops up again and says..."Hey honey, where the HONK are you going?"  And you actually hear the car honking during the little blurb that really is the F word.  I think that is great...anyone?  I love my in laws so I don't have that feeling but my husband and mother definitely have a love hate relationship and that is something he would do.  LOVE IT!

So a few weeks ago the stomach bug ran rapid through our house.  I hate stomach bugs.  I would rather have anything but a stomach bug.  The puking, diarrhea, nausea, give me anything but that.  Not to mention that they are extremely contagious and usually if one person in your household has it then the whole family is going to get it.  Stomach bug and kids...not a good combination.  My husband got the bug on Friday and my daughter got the bug on Monday.  She was a trooper...I will giver her that.  It was actually Memorial Day and we had some friends over for a BBQ.  My daughter was playing bubbles with her friend when she started vomiting.  Not just a little either, like a whole hot dog and then some.  I cleaned her up and got her to rest and gave her some water and she was like I am good.  So I figured it was just a fluke and she was ok.  Really I was having a good time with my friends and I really didn't want to deal with a sick kid so I sent her back out to play.  Yes, I know horrible mother, but you only get so much time to yourself...you want to enjoy it.  I don't think it was 20 minutes later and she was on the deck vomiting again.  She has the whole yard to throw up in and she comes on the deck where every one is and starts barfing.  Awesome.  At this point I figured she was really sick and needed to go to bed.  So I unfortunately asked our guest to leave so I can tend to my daughter.  What I didn't expect was a replica of the exorcist. 

What started out as just barfing and needing to rest turned into world war 3.  As she was barfing in her pan I gave her she pooped a little.  I figured she was barfing so hard that it just slipped and she would be ok.  I get her in the shower and cleaned up and of course after all that she needs to barf again.  So she is leaning over the toilet and barfing and while this is going on I notice that she has poop running down her leg.  I say "Lex do you know that your are pooping?"  And she says "No Mom I just farted"  And I'm like "No Lex you are pooping"  She had no idea.  This is how bad this stomach bug was.  She had no idea that crap was running down her leg.  She literally thought that she just farted and no big deal.  Oh no.  This was the messiest stomach bug I have ever witnessed in my life.  And it SMELLED!  The pooped smelled, the barf smelled, my daughter smelled....everything smelled.  At one point as I was cleaning my daughter, I actually stuck my head in her barf bowl because I thought I was going to lose it.  That is how bad it smelled and I don't have a weak stomach.  I can actually tolerate a lot!  My husband's under wear was in the garbage when he had it too so he also fell victim to the whole pooping the pants thing.  I did eventually get the bug but lucky for me I DID NOT poop my pants!

Humiliating....

So I had this bright idea to take the Police/Sheriff test a few months ago and all in all it was a sign that this was not for me.  The place where I worked closed and I was about 7 months prego when that happened so me getting a new job...not happening.  I was on unemployment or unenjoyment as my dad would call it and they are a stickler about job searches and all that so I thought it would be a good idea to take a civil service test because it was free for people on unemployment.  The test was in November and to be quite honest I really didn't think that was going to happen because it was very close to my due date and if my second child was like my first then I was going to be early.  Well the test date came and no baby.  I did study and took the practice test so I was ready to go.  This should have been my first clue.....
I walk into the auditorium where the test was given and one of the test proctors asked if I would like to sit in the handicap section.  Now, I am not a big girl but being pregnant I am all belly so I wasn't too offended by this but it was definitely not a good thing in the back of my mind.  As I looked around and noticed that if I chose not to sit in the handicap section I would be on top of two other people and would have to squeeze down a very small isle and the handicap section was looking pretty good.  They were pretty much double sized desks in the way back very far apart.  I chose the handicap section naturally.  The only down side, the proctors forgot I was back there because of course I was the only one in the handicap section at a police/sheriff test, so I would  have to raise my hand constantly because they would forget to give me the test sheets and booklets.

I thought I bombed the test.  I walked out of there not really feeling good at all about the test and pretty sure that I was not going to hear anything ever!  So I had my son and life moved on until May.   I got a letter in the mail saying that I scored high on the test so I was to report to the YMCA 3 weeks later and do the physical fitness test.  Not so good.  I had a 4 month old and I had 3 weeks to get my fat ass into shape.  This is what they require of a 27 year old female:  32 sit ups in a minute, 15 push ups with no break and run a mile and a half in 14 minutes 50 seconds.  This really doesn't sound so bad until you have had 2 children one of them who is only 4 months and you have pretty much accepted what your body was going to be from this moment on.  I am an athletic person I always have been so I wasn't going to not show up and I wasn't going to not at least try.  So, for 3 weeks I pushed myself and worked on running, sit ups, and push ups every day.  The push ups I had down.  I was always pretty good with upper body strength.  The run I had down to like the last second.  The sit ups on the other hand..not happening.  At my best I was doing like 25 sit ups in a minute.  I was kinda hoping that adrenaline would kick in and I would just bang out the rest and be down with it.

So, the test day came and I showed up to where I needed to be and walked into a group of about 6 girls.  Yes girls, not women.  They were discussing the college classes they were missing that day to take the test.  I think one of them had told me that she just turned 21 and the other one had just turned 22 like a week ago.  There was one other woman there who was older than me but she was in the State Trooper boot camp and she was just taking this test as a back up.  ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!!!  No one was married, no one had kids and this was just another day for them.  I instantly started to sweat.  Of course the first test was the sit ups.  Now once you fail a section you are done.  You are not allowed to continue with the rest of the test and if you want to try again you have to pay a fee and wait until the next test comes around.  So of course, the sit ups are the first obstacle.  I think 3 girls went ahead of me and they all pass.  Now it was my turn.  By the way you have some amped up chick who runs the boot camp sitting (yes I mean literally sitting) on your feet holding you down and she is all serious.  No joke cracking with her.  I thought she was going to suck my blood for a second.  Also, to make it a legit sit up your hands have to be inter locked behind your head, the back of your shoulder blades need to touch the mat, and your knees need to touch your elbows on your way up.  So I got all ready I was laying on the mat and the guy with the stop watch said GO....I was off, but not to the start I wanted.  I think I did like 10 good ones and it was all down hill from there.  I did NOT have the adrenaline I was hoping for nor the motivation.  I was actually trying not to laugh and this poor girl was actually saying..."YOU CAN DO IT...COME ON"  I started laughing at one point and I think I did a total of 20 when the guy said TIME.  I was the only one who failed the sit ups.  I wanted to scream..I JUST HAD A BABY...but I didn't.   I was actually very proud of myself.  I wished the rest of the girls luck and walked out of the room with my head held high.  Now once I got into the parking lot...all bets were off.  I had tears rolling down my face and I was still trying to tell myself that it wasn't a big deal and I just had a baby and this wasn't what I wanted right now in my life.  I got home and my mother in law was watching my kids and she was like....wow that was fast...I guess you didn't make it.  Nope..I failed miserably.  They couldn't start off with the push ups..which by the way the other girls didn't think they were going to pass those and I would have blown them away in that section, but NO lets do the sit ups and make the old lady embarrassed. 

Needless to say, I am glad I at least tried, but I am also very glad it is over with and I get to be home with my kids.  Lessoned learned.


Dana

Yoga: A Tale of Ass Juice, Peen Stains, and Gin Sweat

I love yoga...specifically hot yoga. It's one of the few physical activities I feel like I'm actually pretty good at. That being said, my history of practicing yoga has been a series of seriously unfortunate (and excruciatingly embarrassing) events....ESPECIALLY as of recently. These aren't your normal, to be expected yoga mishaps either. You know, like a camel toe from your yoga pants or a loud fart/queef that slips out when you're in the ol' happy baby pose...these are a totally different breed of inappropriate yoga mishaps.

The Happy Baby pose...I mean COME ON...

The first time I went to a heated yoga class was in college. One of the girls I worked with at the time mentioned a heated yoga class that she had heard about and was dying to try. She said the room was heated to 105 degrees and the heat was supposed to help you sweat out your toxins and loosen your muscles up...I figured the heat would also help distract me from all the "OHM" chanting (which I've always found totally awkward) so I agreed and we made a plan to go on a Sunday morning around 8:00, before our shifts at work.

Well...the heat DEFINITELY had me sweating out all my toxins because the night before I had gotten HAMMERED...on gin (possibly the worst smelling booze out there)..and I was sweating that shit out of every single one of my pores. Not only did I smell like a homeless man at an AA meeting, I was also severely dehydrated and on the verge of passing out after every downward dog.

Even though my first attempt at hot yoga was extremely unpleasant, I continued to go until Joe and I moved. Then I was on the hunt for a new yoga studio...but having heated classes was a requirement and those are pretty rare up here in the sticks...After months of searching, I finally found a studio in the college town nearby that offered the heated classes I had been missing.

I was so excited the day of my first class at the new studio...and really nervous about going to a place I had never been before. It was a full house. The place was packed.  I signed in, paid my drop-in fee, found an open spot, rolled out my mat and this is what I found:

I can't make this up

Is it just me? Or does that stain look like a brown penis wearing a Mickey Mouse hat?

How did I stain my yoga mat? Well I've always kept it in the car. Sometimes in the trunk, sometimes in the back, sometimes on the floor on the passenger's side. It's a pain in the ass to lug the damn thing inside the house after every class...so this way it's always ready to go. I'm also a bit of a car slob. I throw shit everywhere...coffee cups, water bottles, granola bar wrappers. I'm guessing the peen stain was the result of a Vanilla Chai or Mocha Latte spill.

BUT WAIT. There's more.

Last week I went to my usual Sunday morning class, rolled out my yoga mat and a pungent stench emerged from the mat, completely filling the room. The smell was familiar...but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I could feel the chick next to me staring and everyone else in the 105 degree room judging me as the smelly girl in class (which is saying a lot...because no one smells particularly GOOD in such a hot environment, sweating their balls off). I pushed through the smell, despite the fact that it was getting significantly worse as it BAKED in the heat and mixed with everyone's B.O. About halfway through the class it hit me...Rosie (our dainty American Bulldog) SQUIRT all over my mat...probably while it was in the back seat of my car.

For those of you who don't know what a "squirt" is...simply put...it's anal juice...that leaks out my dogs ASS HOLE.  It definitely has a one of a kind scent...a scent that has no place in a yoga studio. I know the smell well, as Rosie squirts every time she's scared...and she's a huge weeny. It would make sense that she would squirt in my vehicle because she's TERRIFIED of tractor trailers...every time one passes, squirts happen. My car quite often smells like her ass juice. I should have known better.

It may seem like I'm a glutton for punishment returning to yoga every week...but I love it and always think it can't get any worse! So I keep going...and glorious things like these continue to happen.

At least I'm not queefing.

Oh...and I'm in the market for a new yoga mat.

What to Expect After.......

Ok..so there is a great book out there to follow when you are expecting, but what about the aftermath?  I don't see too much out there giving us women a heads up on what happens after you are in labor for 38 hours and you pushed for an hour and a half.  Don't get me wrong..."What to Expect When Your Expecting" was great for me when I was pregnant with my first child.  I read the whole thing from front to back and lived by it.  I also used Google a lot, which probably was not a good thing because I am pretty sure I called my doctor about 5 times crying about having a miscarriage, which never happened.  I also loved the movie, and by the way, I was that blonde chick that tried really hard to get pregnant and then hated the whole experience.  I didn't have to try hard to get pregnant but I really hated being pregnant.  I hated the weight gain, the uncontrollable bodily functions, the fact that I couldn't see my vagina...the list goes on and on.  So, I am making a few heads up about the after math.  I really wanted to write a book about this, but lets face it...probably not going to happen.

1)  Exploding Hemorrhoids: I heard of hemorrhoids when you were pregnant and I really wasn't unfamiliar with them, I actually have had them several times without being pregnant but I didn't know that they could go as far as EXPLODING and leaving your pants full of blood.  This was actually before I had my second child, about the 8th month in and I had to go see a butt doctor.  I realized there was a problem when I started bleeding from my butt and had to stuff my butt hole with toilet paper so I didn't ruin my under wear.  I mean what do you use to plug a butt whole?  I have no idea.  I had a busy day that day of course and I was on my way grocery shopping when I picked up my brother to help so he could lift all the heavy stuff for me...he got in my car and complained about having a bad day...and I said.."Oh really, I have a wad of toilet paper stuck up my butt right now so I don't bleed all over the place and you think you have had a bad day?!!!" Well the good news was the butt doctor actually said my butt looked pretty good considering I was almost 9 months pregnant and the hemorrhoid exploding was a good thing.  Other wise they would have had to numb my butt whole and drain the hemorrhoid.  EEEWWWWWW!

2)  PUPPPS:  I know a lot of you don't know what that means and I really don't feel like spelling it out but you can GOOGLE it.  This is a very severe rash that only like 1 in 10 pregnant women get and it is most common in the last trimester and if you are having a boy.  I got this rash about the last month in and it was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life!  There is no cure and there is NOTHING you can do or take to make it better.  It only goes away about 2 to 3 weeks after delivery.  This is probably the most uncomfortable and intolerable thing I have ever dealt with in my life.  It starts out in your stretch marks and spreads to your belly, arms, legs, and vagina!  It is small red dots that completely covers you and ITCHES like crazy!  I itched myself so bad that I actually bled and have scars from it.  It is terrible.  You think you have problems sleeping as it is being almost 9 months prego....well let me tell you....You have no idea unless you  have had this rash.  I hope that you never get it and I feel awful for the poor women that do.  Good luck with that!

3) Pain, Pain, and more Pain:  If you think that pushing out a kid is enough, well you haven't felt the after affects of the uterus shrinking and your butt hole screaming because you just pushed for over an hour.  Now, I only have had vaginal deliveries so I really don't know if this is true for C-Sections, but it hurts afterwards and it hurts pretty bad.  You see all these women on TV that look great after just giving birth and are smiling and blah blah blah, well let me tell you what...they are full of POOP.  You are having contractions after the birth too.  It sucks!  Not only have you just bled out your entire supply of blood but your uterus needs to go back to normal and your colon feels like you just got raped by a lot of very large black men.  And I mean that in a good way, well for them at least.  Now, after my first child I really didn't know what to expect and I figured I would have some pain killers and be on my merry way...OH NO!  Freaking Tylenol...Really?  That's all I get...I just pushed a 7lb baby out of my vagina and you are only giving me a freaking Tylenol!!!!  WTF!!  We have nurseries in the hospital for a reason.  Mom can't get doped up and sleep for a few hours before she brings home a screaming baby?  No, of course not!  Have fun with that!

4)  Keegals:  I don't care how many Keegals you do a day and how many times you do them.  When you have a child your bladder is SHOT!  Forget it...Trampoline's are a NO NO and sneezing and laughing on a full bladder is an invitation for trouble.  When I was at my brother's recently I was sitting on the couch and I had a few glasses of wine and hadn't gone to the bathroom recently.  I sneezed and not only did I pee my pants but it went through his couch.  Yes I just happened to be going commando that day, but still, I literally peed my pants and that wasn't the first time either.  My daughter asked me to jump on the trampoline with her the other day and I think I made it one jump and tinkle tinkle here we come!  Now, I have had two vaginal births and my recent one is only 4 months old but this is really pathetic.  I wasn't expecting to have to worry about buying Depends this soon in life.  I really have to watch what I am doing and where I am doing it.  And trust me...I did the Keegals on a regular basis...it really doesn't help!

5)  Appearance:  What ever you do, Don't look down there for at least a month.  Thanksgiving dinner has never been the same since.  I am pretty sure my vagina could gobble and I don't even want to tell you what my butt hole looked like.  Let's just say, if you like it in the butt...you are not going to want to do that for a while!!  As my Mom would say..."I have never seen hemorrhoids that big in my life"  She was there in the delivery room so she got full access.  Someone once told me that I wouldn't want to look at it for a while and of course I didn't listen and I regret it every day.  If your wondering why walking is a problem after you have giving birth..well it could be because you have golf ball size hemorrhoids or the fact that your vagina looks like a giant turkey.  Either way..not pretty!!


Happy Mother's Day!!!


Dana