June 11, 2014

The "fake" boob

My husband and I went out a few weeks ago with his best friend and girl friend.  We don't get to go out very much and his friend has been begging us for weeks to meet the new girl friend.  We already blew them off a few times so we met up for some drinks.

Let me give you a little back ground on our friend.  He was my husband's best man at our wedding and a few years later his wife left him for another woman.  We really weren't too surprised because if you saw the wife you knew something was off.  She had a buzzed hair cut (not even exaggerating) and loved to dress in over sized t-shirts and man jean shorts.  However, the friend was obviously devastated and shocked!!  (duh)  She then proceeded to drag him through a nasty divorce and create a mess all over Facebook including bashing my husband and claiming "I hit on her", as Lauren would say "BITCH PLEASE"  Anyways he retaliated by dating one of her friends and fell madly in love with her.  A year later she dies of kidney failure.  No this is not funny but he knew she had serious health issues when he met her and only had months to live.  Now he is dating a woman who has breast cancer and previously had gastric bypass surgery and is dealing with complications from that.  She is in the hospital every other week.  I don't know why he is dating women that are dying.  Maybe he has a good reason for this but I haven't figured it out.

So any who, we meet up on a Friday night and have a few drinks.  She loves to talk and whatever story you tell her she has one better. (Yes one of those people)  Within five minutes of talking to her she is telling us how she was one of the people that got that nasty virus on the cruise ship and had to cancel the trip short.  While she was getting off the ship she tripped and fell and her tooth fell out.  She drove home from NYC and waited to go to the hospital but to this day has a front tooth missing.  (She did get a free cruise out of the deal though)

After that story she tells us about her fake boob.  She only had one breast removed due to the fact that she was not healthy enough to have both of them removed.  So to make up for one boob gone they gave her a silicone insert.  She then proceeded to tell us how she discovered that they float and can survive fire.  (all the while she has her one boob propped on the bar table)  This has only been five minutes into meeting her.  And to her credit the one boob she does have is pretty large.  Apparently when you have a silicone insert it is not a good idea to wear it while you are swimming in the ocean.  They tend to fall out of your bathing suit and yes the do float.  So you might want to give anyone around you a heads up that they might see something rather peculiar floating around.

If you are ever near a fire or may be too close to one, no worries, the silicone insert will be a nice barrier.  While they were camping, our friend's son was playing with the fake boob and dropped it into the fire.  Why he was playing with the boob or why they even let him play with it, I still can't figure out.  There was minor damage but it withstood the heat rather well.  To fix the minor damages, our friend duct taped it, and even better it is camouflage.   And yes she does wear it with the camouflage duct tape. 

So there is your fake boob lesson 101.  I am so glad that I finally got to meet her and I am even more glad that I was already finished eating my dinner.

That's all folks.

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