August 14, 2014
Parents and texting
I am still trying to deal with the age of texting but I really think older adults should try to avoid it. My mother is famous for her text messages that really don't mean a thing. For the longest time she thought LOL meant lots of love. Every time she ended a text with me or my brothers that is what she ended it with so finally I asked why and she said, "Lots of Love." She actually did not believe me and continued signing all her messages with LOL until it clicked one day. The following is a conversation we had the other day:
I think it is just best if older adults stay away from texting
June 11, 2014
I had a "Moment"
I don't know if I should be proud or concerned but the other day my daughter came into our kitchen with her jeans around her thighs and started jumping. I asked what she was doing and she said "Mom isn't this what you do to try and get your jeans on?" I'm still trying to decide if that might be a hint to lose some weight or be proud that she is finally getting what it means to be a girl.
I had already had a rough day. It was one of those days that the kids suck and you are tired and you didn't sleep much and you still have a lot more things to do. My son decided to throw a temper tantrum over something dumb so I spanked him. In return he then pulled down my pants in front of my daughter and husband (and yes I was commando) and create a big hysterical moment so he gets out of being in trouble. FYI: I prefer no under wear to thongs or sexy underwear because I just don't have the patience for things riding up my butt. I personally think it is hot when a woman is wearing nothing (obviously not in a skirt or dress) rather than a string riding up her butt crack that probably smells like poop. So I poured my self a large glass of wine and said "F" it.
I recently began working again bartending/serving a few nights a week at a fine dining restaurant downtown. I acquired the job by just being at the right place at the right time. My mom does work there as well but I stopped in to see her one night to have a drink and the next thing I know the bartender is flipping out and throwing chairs. So, I was hired. The boss promised me that things like that don't happen there. Ok, whatever I got this. Well last weekend I had a colored kid come in while I was behind the bar and he had a cat on his shoulder. I asked if he needed some help. He came behind the bar and threw the cat at me. I am very thankful that I dodged in time and didn't get claws to the face. I asked him to leave and he asked me for a drink. I told him he had a drink in his pocket (which he did) so he opened the drink and spit it all over the bar and floor. By this time my mother had appeared and she went in the back to get the cooks (all guys and some rather large) to escort the gentleman out. My boss heard of the story and wanted to ask if I was ok and said again "stuff like that doesn't happen here". I told her I think she is a big fat liar.
I had already had a rough day. It was one of those days that the kids suck and you are tired and you didn't sleep much and you still have a lot more things to do. My son decided to throw a temper tantrum over something dumb so I spanked him. In return he then pulled down my pants in front of my daughter and husband (and yes I was commando) and create a big hysterical moment so he gets out of being in trouble. FYI: I prefer no under wear to thongs or sexy underwear because I just don't have the patience for things riding up my butt. I personally think it is hot when a woman is wearing nothing (obviously not in a skirt or dress) rather than a string riding up her butt crack that probably smells like poop. So I poured my self a large glass of wine and said "F" it.
I recently began working again bartending/serving a few nights a week at a fine dining restaurant downtown. I acquired the job by just being at the right place at the right time. My mom does work there as well but I stopped in to see her one night to have a drink and the next thing I know the bartender is flipping out and throwing chairs. So, I was hired. The boss promised me that things like that don't happen there. Ok, whatever I got this. Well last weekend I had a colored kid come in while I was behind the bar and he had a cat on his shoulder. I asked if he needed some help. He came behind the bar and threw the cat at me. I am very thankful that I dodged in time and didn't get claws to the face. I asked him to leave and he asked me for a drink. I told him he had a drink in his pocket (which he did) so he opened the drink and spit it all over the bar and floor. By this time my mother had appeared and she went in the back to get the cooks (all guys and some rather large) to escort the gentleman out. My boss heard of the story and wanted to ask if I was ok and said again "stuff like that doesn't happen here". I told her I think she is a big fat liar.
The "fake" boob
My husband and I went out a few weeks ago with his best friend and girl friend. We don't get to go out very much and his friend has been begging us for weeks to meet the new girl friend. We already blew them off a few times so we met up for some drinks.
Let me give you a little back ground on our friend. He was my husband's best man at our wedding and a few years later his wife left him for another woman. We really weren't too surprised because if you saw the wife you knew something was off. She had a buzzed hair cut (not even exaggerating) and loved to dress in over sized t-shirts and man jean shorts. However, the friend was obviously devastated and shocked!! (duh) She then proceeded to drag him through a nasty divorce and create a mess all over Facebook including bashing my husband and claiming "I hit on her", as Lauren would say "BITCH PLEASE" Anyways he retaliated by dating one of her friends and fell madly in love with her. A year later she dies of kidney failure. No this is not funny but he knew she had serious health issues when he met her and only had months to live. Now he is dating a woman who has breast cancer and previously had gastric bypass surgery and is dealing with complications from that. She is in the hospital every other week. I don't know why he is dating women that are dying. Maybe he has a good reason for this but I haven't figured it out.
So any who, we meet up on a Friday night and have a few drinks. She loves to talk and whatever story you tell her she has one better. (Yes one of those people) Within five minutes of talking to her she is telling us how she was one of the people that got that nasty virus on the cruise ship and had to cancel the trip short. While she was getting off the ship she tripped and fell and her tooth fell out. She drove home from NYC and waited to go to the hospital but to this day has a front tooth missing. (She did get a free cruise out of the deal though)
After that story she tells us about her fake boob. She only had one breast removed due to the fact that she was not healthy enough to have both of them removed. So to make up for one boob gone they gave her a silicone insert. She then proceeded to tell us how she discovered that they float and can survive fire. (all the while she has her one boob propped on the bar table) This has only been five minutes into meeting her. And to her credit the one boob she does have is pretty large. Apparently when you have a silicone insert it is not a good idea to wear it while you are swimming in the ocean. They tend to fall out of your bathing suit and yes the do float. So you might want to give anyone around you a heads up that they might see something rather peculiar floating around.
If you are ever near a fire or may be too close to one, no worries, the silicone insert will be a nice barrier. While they were camping, our friend's son was playing with the fake boob and dropped it into the fire. Why he was playing with the boob or why they even let him play with it, I still can't figure out. There was minor damage but it withstood the heat rather well. To fix the minor damages, our friend duct taped it, and even better it is camouflage. And yes she does wear it with the camouflage duct tape.
So there is your fake boob lesson 101. I am so glad that I finally got to meet her and I am even more glad that I was already finished eating my dinner.
That's all folks.
Let me give you a little back ground on our friend. He was my husband's best man at our wedding and a few years later his wife left him for another woman. We really weren't too surprised because if you saw the wife you knew something was off. She had a buzzed hair cut (not even exaggerating) and loved to dress in over sized t-shirts and man jean shorts. However, the friend was obviously devastated and shocked!! (duh) She then proceeded to drag him through a nasty divorce and create a mess all over Facebook including bashing my husband and claiming "I hit on her", as Lauren would say "BITCH PLEASE" Anyways he retaliated by dating one of her friends and fell madly in love with her. A year later she dies of kidney failure. No this is not funny but he knew she had serious health issues when he met her and only had months to live. Now he is dating a woman who has breast cancer and previously had gastric bypass surgery and is dealing with complications from that. She is in the hospital every other week. I don't know why he is dating women that are dying. Maybe he has a good reason for this but I haven't figured it out.
So any who, we meet up on a Friday night and have a few drinks. She loves to talk and whatever story you tell her she has one better. (Yes one of those people) Within five minutes of talking to her she is telling us how she was one of the people that got that nasty virus on the cruise ship and had to cancel the trip short. While she was getting off the ship she tripped and fell and her tooth fell out. She drove home from NYC and waited to go to the hospital but to this day has a front tooth missing. (She did get a free cruise out of the deal though)
After that story she tells us about her fake boob. She only had one breast removed due to the fact that she was not healthy enough to have both of them removed. So to make up for one boob gone they gave her a silicone insert. She then proceeded to tell us how she discovered that they float and can survive fire. (all the while she has her one boob propped on the bar table) This has only been five minutes into meeting her. And to her credit the one boob she does have is pretty large. Apparently when you have a silicone insert it is not a good idea to wear it while you are swimming in the ocean. They tend to fall out of your bathing suit and yes the do float. So you might want to give anyone around you a heads up that they might see something rather peculiar floating around.
If you are ever near a fire or may be too close to one, no worries, the silicone insert will be a nice barrier. While they were camping, our friend's son was playing with the fake boob and dropped it into the fire. Why he was playing with the boob or why they even let him play with it, I still can't figure out. There was minor damage but it withstood the heat rather well. To fix the minor damages, our friend duct taped it, and even better it is camouflage. And yes she does wear it with the camouflage duct tape.
So there is your fake boob lesson 101. I am so glad that I finally got to meet her and I am even more glad that I was already finished eating my dinner.
That's all folks.
April 23, 2014
Here's Your Sign
The following conversation was between me and my Aunt. She has lived in NYC for 20+ years and is a comedian. I love her material and she usually talks mostly about the family. This is my Dad's side of the family and they are a bunch of crazy Italians. It really explains why I am the way I am.
My daughter had her tonsils and adenoids removed last week and a few days later she ended up getting pneumonia. My Aunt and Grandmother stopped over to check on her and this is how the conversation went with my Aunt afterward.
My daughter had her tonsils and adenoids removed last week and a few days later she ended up getting pneumonia. My Aunt and Grandmother stopped over to check on her and this is how the conversation went with my Aunt afterward.
That pretty much sums it up
Dana
April 10, 2014
Drink, Drank, Drunk (And a Mexican Dancing Queen)
In the end of February, my family went on the vacation of a LIFETIME. I mean, this vacation was no joke. It wasn't your average, drive to Ocean City and rough it in a bed bug infested motel vacation (although I'm certainly no stranger to Ocean Shitty OR it's infestations)...this was a legit Kardashian style trip to the island of St. Thomas. We stayed in a GORGEOUS private villa called "Casa Lupa" complete with an ocean view and infinity pool (watch out Bruce Jenner).
This trip was amazing. I have never been to a more beautiful place in my life. For our destination wedding/honeymoon/eloping-but-not-really, Joe and I went to Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic. We stayed at an absolutely beautiful resort...the food was fantastic, there was nightly entertainment and plenty of excursions BUT it was one of those...if you step foot off the resort you will either be immediately chopped up with a machete and fed to stray dogs or get run over by a moped with fifteen people riding on it...type deal.
His name is Lady Gaga. He really set the tone for the rest of the day.
My Aunt and Uncle warned us to avoid Charlotte Amalie on the days that the cruise ships would be in town because they often dock in the Charlotte Amalie harbor and allow the passengers out to shop or grab a quick lunch...which makes for a huge clusterfuck of souvenir hungry tourists. Did we listen? Of course not. We wanted to go shopping and we wanted to do it NOW.
You're Welcome.
Her dance was on point and her Mexican battle-cry, although stifled by tequila, was extremely convincing. Like I said, she had it in the bag. Once all the contestants had finished their jigs, the DJ lined them all up and hovered his hands over their heads, telling the audience to clap for their favorite Mexican. The old lady and 16 year old boy were eliminated immediately (duh).
It was down to Sarah and some other wannabe Mexican chick. I wish I could say it was close, but Sarah won by a landslide. The audience of old man tourists hooted and hollered for Sarah...not to mention the drunken screams and cheers coming from myself alone. Poor Joe...we petite ladies just can't hang with shots on shots on shots.
.JPG) |
| The entrance to our villa. Jealous yet? |
This trip was amazing. I have never been to a more beautiful place in my life. For our destination wedding/honeymoon/eloping-but-not-really, Joe and I went to Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic. We stayed at an absolutely beautiful resort...the food was fantastic, there was nightly entertainment and plenty of excursions BUT it was one of those...if you step foot off the resort you will either be immediately chopped up with a machete and fed to stray dogs or get run over by a moped with fifteen people riding on it...type deal.
In St. Thomas, we were able to rent a car and explore the island...without fearing for our lives...and there was SO much to explore. Everywhere you went on the island, there was a fantastic view to be seen. We went paddle boarding, island hopping, swimming with dolphins, zip-lining, hiking...I could go on and on and on...but I wanted to write this post about one of my favorite days in particular...the day Sarah, Joe, and I decided to venture down to Charlotte Amalie (the main little town) on our own.
The trip started out GREAT, driving down the road on the left hand side, blaring our Caribbean music with the top off our sweet Jeep Wrangler rental, wind blowing in our hair, enjoying the never ending views. The 13 mile island is full of little areas that you can pull over if you really want to take it all in...so we decided to do just that.
 |
| Magen's Bay. I KNOW, RIGHT. |
I do have to admit...the view was not the main reason we pulled over that day. I was not about to leave the island of St. Thomas without taking a picture with this guy:
 |
| When you see this kind of photo opportunity calling, you pull over. |
.JPG) |
| Bear, meet Donkey. Donkey, Bear. |
His name is Lady Gaga. He really set the tone for the rest of the day.
My Aunt and Uncle warned us to avoid Charlotte Amalie on the days that the cruise ships would be in town because they often dock in the Charlotte Amalie harbor and allow the passengers out to shop or grab a quick lunch...which makes for a huge clusterfuck of souvenir hungry tourists. Did we listen? Of course not. We wanted to go shopping and we wanted to do it NOW.
Charlotte Amalie was PACKED. Clusterfuck, indeed.
It took us almost half an hour to find a decent parking spot, at which point we were beginning to get hungry, grumpy, and a little sunburned (riding around with the top down always winds up being one of those "it seemed like a good idea at the time" type things...between sunburn and rat's nest hair, you can't win).
Once we finally found a parking spot, we decided to grab lunch since we were getting cranky. We needed sustenance if we were going to be shoving our way through Jimmy Buffet looking tourists all day. We saw a giant sign for a place called Senor Frogs and figured that place was as good as any!
Little did we know what Senor Frogs had in store for us...
You see, what started as an innocent (and rather expensive) lunch trip:
.JPG)
Quickly turned into:
APPARENTLY Senor Frogs is THE go-to party spot on the island of St. Thomas.
It took us almost half an hour to find a decent parking spot, at which point we were beginning to get hungry, grumpy, and a little sunburned (riding around with the top down always winds up being one of those "it seemed like a good idea at the time" type things...between sunburn and rat's nest hair, you can't win).
Once we finally found a parking spot, we decided to grab lunch since we were getting cranky. We needed sustenance if we were going to be shoving our way through Jimmy Buffet looking tourists all day. We saw a giant sign for a place called Senor Frogs and figured that place was as good as any!
Little did we know what Senor Frogs had in store for us...
You see, what started as an innocent (and rather expensive) lunch trip:
 |
| Drink. Drank. Drunk. |
APPARENTLY Senor Frogs is THE go-to party spot on the island of St. Thomas.
I'm not sure what they spiked our $20 Pina Coladas with...but we definitely got our moneys-worth because when Sarah and I heard the DJ announce free shots for anyone who could successfully toss a beanbag into a hole, we literally flew out of our chairs to volunteer ourselves. The DJ (pictured above pouring copious amounts of alcohol down our throats) handed us three bean bags each...giving us three chances to sink them and redeem our prize.
First bean bag - miss.
Second bean bag - miss.
Third bean bag - thrown so far away from the goal that it's probably lost in the Caribbean seas right now.
No free shots for us...
...or so we thought.
The DJ celebrated like we had swished each and every bag through the target. "YOU WIN! 5 FREE SHOTS FOR BOTH OF YOU!" Sarah and I were confused...but who were we to be rude and turn down this generous pity prize for the American girls with no aim. 5 shots each...down the hatch.
"3 MORE FREE SHOTS FOR BOTH OF YOU"
Sarah and I looked at each other, again confused...We lost the bean bag game (quite embarrassingly, in fact) but this DJ was still pouring alcohol at our faces...must be sort of American translation issue, we thought. Regardless, he continued to pour. And pour and pour and pour. After guzzling our body weight in free shots, we started giving our shots away. A handful for Joe and one Big Gulp for this guy with a balloon hat.
 |
| Because you get awfully generous when you're drunk. |
After that binge drinking episode (all within about 10 minutes), Joe urged us to take it easy...have a seat and enjoy our enormous $40 appetizer. We followed his voice of reason and tried to soak up the rum with chicken tenders and quesadillas. While we were eating, the DJ had moved on and was now standing on top of the bar...corralling volunteers for his next attempt to give a tourist alcohol poisoning - a Mexican dancing competition.
The goal: do your best Mexican style dance to Mexican style music...when the music stops, take a shot of tequila and holler like a Mexican. Once everyone got their turn, the winner would be chosen by the amount of applause they received from the audience.
As we watched the contestants dance and ate our taquitos, Sarah looked at me with disgust and said, "Have these people ever seen Mexicans dance? I mean, everyone knows you USE YOUR ARMS." She did her interpretation of a Mexican hand gesture which caught the attention of Mr. DJ who challenged her, "You think you can do better? Come on up!" Sarah was hesitant at first, but Joe and I told her she totally had it in the bag and next thing you know, there she was...on top of the bar bopping around to Mexican music. Challenge accepted.
 |
| SORRY NOT SORRY |
It was down to Sarah and some other wannabe Mexican chick. I wish I could say it was close, but Sarah won by a landslide. The audience of old man tourists hooted and hollered for Sarah...not to mention the drunken screams and cheers coming from myself alone. Poor Joe...we petite ladies just can't hang with shots on shots on shots.
 |
| MEXICAN QUEEN OF ST THOMAS |
 |
| SURPRISE. You win more free shots! |
Needless to say, once we left Senor Frogs, our shopping trip was less than enjoyable. Walking around the shops of Charlotte Amalie in the hot sun, with shots upon shots upon shots sloshing around in our bellies, we became just as uncomfortable and grumpy as we were before we went to Senor Frogs in the first place. Even despite leaving our shopping trip-turned day drinking extravaganza hammered, dehydrated, and on the verge of vomiting...this excursion remains one of the top five moments on my highlight reel from our stay in St. Thomas. Between the Lady Gaga sighting, getting shots poured into my mouth, and watching Sarah bust a Mexican move...what more could you ask for??
April 4, 2014
Five Things Friday
SO! I've decided I'd like to take this blog a little more seriously...and instead of writing about once a MONTH, I've set the goal of writing three times a week. DREAM BIG, I know.
In order to do so, I need to plan these posts ahead of time and one thing I've noticed other blogs doing is a weekly "Five Things Friday" post, listing out the most notable things that have happened throughout the week...I figure that's an easy way to guarantee me at least one post a week so I'm gonna give it a go! This weeks theme: Stress Management.
1. Monday sucked...as most Mondays do. I had a dentist appointment which is never a good way to start your week. ESPECIALLY a dentist appointment that ends in hysterical tears over a Mystery Diagnosis. I swear, my obsession with that show throughout high school has finally come to bite me in the ass. After enjoying episode after episode of people suffering, it was only a matter of time before it happened to me. Next thing you know I'll have an "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" moment and a baby will suddenly fall out of my vag.
Anyway, the only way to ease the pain of a dental disaster (or ease any pain at all) is a little Target retail therapy. Target Therapy ALWAYS brings me down a couple notches on the "MY LIFE IS TERRIBLE" scale. However, with this particular Target run, I didn't have any specific purchases in mind so I left with quite the random assortment of stuff: yoga pants, a rug, a book, and a card.
I feel much better now.
2: Another method of dealing with emotional distress is to make a drastic change to your hair. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. So I took a long lunch break on Tuesday and chopped all my hair off. I lost a good six inches...which can be traumatizing BUT it only took me five minutes to blow dry my hair this morning so I'm pretty psyched. AND THINK OF HOW LONG MY SHAMPOO WILL LAST.
3. Joe has a new schedule going on at work and we haven't been seeing much of each other lately. His unusual schedule has been a GREAT thing for our relationship in the past, but now I only get to see him two days out of the week and that makes for a LOT of alone time. I used to take advantage of this time to myself and catch up on the shows I like that Joe doesn't...but I already did that...and now I'm bored.
SO my sister, Sarah, and I decided to take a weekly community yoga class together. (You can read about my past traumatic yoga experiences here). Sarah and I haven't been to a yoga class together since we were in high school...and this yoga class reminded me why: we have a hard time taking ANYTHING seriously when we're together...I mean, the slightest thing like not being able to keep our balance or the sound of Sarah's granny hips popping would throw us into that awkward stifled laughter that sounds like you're about to hock a big ol' lugee.
I'm totally looking forward to next week.
4. After weeks of anticipation and a brand new deck with nowhere to sit, OUR OUTDOOR FURNITURE FINALLY ARRIVED...in a bunch of boxes...which means that there are lots of temper tantrums to be had this weekend.
5. The best for last: SARAH STARTED A BLOG! She makes me laugh and maintains my sanity on a regular basis. I highly suggest you check her out. You can follow her hilarious antics here.
In order to do so, I need to plan these posts ahead of time and one thing I've noticed other blogs doing is a weekly "Five Things Friday" post, listing out the most notable things that have happened throughout the week...I figure that's an easy way to guarantee me at least one post a week so I'm gonna give it a go! This weeks theme: Stress Management.
1. Monday sucked...as most Mondays do. I had a dentist appointment which is never a good way to start your week. ESPECIALLY a dentist appointment that ends in hysterical tears over a Mystery Diagnosis. I swear, my obsession with that show throughout high school has finally come to bite me in the ass. After enjoying episode after episode of people suffering, it was only a matter of time before it happened to me. Next thing you know I'll have an "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" moment and a baby will suddenly fall out of my vag.
Anyway, the only way to ease the pain of a dental disaster (or ease any pain at all) is a little Target retail therapy. Target Therapy ALWAYS brings me down a couple notches on the "MY LIFE IS TERRIBLE" scale. However, with this particular Target run, I didn't have any specific purchases in mind so I left with quite the random assortment of stuff: yoga pants, a rug, a book, and a card.
I feel much better now.
 |
| The new rug. Piggy tested and approved. |
2: Another method of dealing with emotional distress is to make a drastic change to your hair. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. So I took a long lunch break on Tuesday and chopped all my hair off. I lost a good six inches...which can be traumatizing BUT it only took me five minutes to blow dry my hair this morning so I'm pretty psyched. AND THINK OF HOW LONG MY SHAMPOO WILL LAST.
 |
| The new doo. |
3. Joe has a new schedule going on at work and we haven't been seeing much of each other lately. His unusual schedule has been a GREAT thing for our relationship in the past, but now I only get to see him two days out of the week and that makes for a LOT of alone time. I used to take advantage of this time to myself and catch up on the shows I like that Joe doesn't...but I already did that...and now I'm bored.
SO my sister, Sarah, and I decided to take a weekly community yoga class together. (You can read about my past traumatic yoga experiences here). Sarah and I haven't been to a yoga class together since we were in high school...and this yoga class reminded me why: we have a hard time taking ANYTHING seriously when we're together...I mean, the slightest thing like not being able to keep our balance or the sound of Sarah's granny hips popping would throw us into that awkward stifled laughter that sounds like you're about to hock a big ol' lugee.
I'm totally looking forward to next week.
 |
| Pre-yoga Selfie |
4. After weeks of anticipation and a brand new deck with nowhere to sit, OUR OUTDOOR FURNITURE FINALLY ARRIVED...in a bunch of boxes...which means that there are lots of temper tantrums to be had this weekend.
 |
| Some assembly required... |
5. The best for last: SARAH STARTED A BLOG! She makes me laugh and maintains my sanity on a regular basis. I highly suggest you check her out. You can follow her hilarious antics here.
 |
| She's funny AND pretty. |
March 14, 2014
Love Letters
Sometimes my job sucks...
I know, I know, you're all like, "We've heard THAT before" but WAIT hear me out.
Sometimes my job sucks...but there are some perks to having a job that doesn't require a tremendous amount of effort.
A few of the things I look forward to throughout a typical work day include:
Emails like this:
Sarah Briggs
And this:
Katie Briggs
to: Lauren
Sarah Briggs
I know, I know, you're all like, "We've heard THAT before" but WAIT hear me out.
Sometimes my job sucks...but there are some perks to having a job that doesn't require a tremendous amount of effort.
A few of the things I look forward to throughout a typical work day include:
- Blog reading.
- Catching up on the latest celebrity gossip.
- Applying to new jobs.
- My afternoon snack.
Emails like this:
Sarah Briggs
to: Katie, Lauren
RE: Hey!!
Today is International Day of Zero Tolerance to Female Genitalia Mutilation. So, in case you had plans to mutilate a vagina today, hold off until tomorrow.
And this:
Katie Briggs
to: Lauren
RE: Kill Me
Wouldn’t it be awesome to just allow yourself to say whatever you wanted to customers when they call?
For example:
“uh, yessiree, I think maybe you can. Can you give me directions on how to git there from here?”
“From where fuck-head!!! Honestly, you people drive me insane. How is it that you even have enough money to buy a tractor when you have no brains in your head!!!”
And this:
For example:
“Good afternoon! This is Lauren, can I help you?”
“uh, yessiree, I think maybe you can. Can you give me directions on how to git there from here?”
“From where fuck-head!!! Honestly, you people drive me insane. How is it that you even have enough money to buy a tractor when you have no brains in your head!!!”
“HUH? Um, you know, the road past 40”
“Look dip shit, I don’t know where you are so figure it out yourself and don’t call back until you do. And have a good day”
And this:
Sarah Briggs
to: Katie, Lauren
RE:Uhhh...
My belly button itches.
These two have been keeping me sane from 9 - 5 with their insanity for the last two years...
February 24, 2014
Famous Footwear
I wanted to get my son a pair of boots the other day. He keeps wearing his Dad's around the house and my husband figured if we got him his own he wouldn't wear his anymore. Little does he know. So, off I went on my adventure to WalMart and of course they have no boots. I really didn't want to make a big deal of this or spend a lot of money when Spring hopefully is right around the corner.
I figured I could run into the Famous Footwear that was down the road from WalMart and if they didn't have anything then I was at a loss. Of course I had both of the kids with me and it was torrential down pour and really cold so this really was not big on my list of things to do but I'm a good wife and mother! Right?
I knew it was probably going to be a nightmare but I really didn't' think I would have to apologize to the store clerk for my children's behavior. Yup, I was that Mom with those kids, and you have to be careful when spanking your kids in public because you never know who is watching!
When we entered the store you would have thought that I had two dogs that were being let off their leashes for the first time and they wanted to sniff everyone's butts. Not really but you get the idea with two crazy dogs. My son went crazy and was running around like a lunatic and jumping on the benches like he was performing some grand show at a gymnastics event. My daughter was chasing him around and I know she was trying to do good but she actually just made my son more excited and made it worse. People watching though wouldn't have thought that.
I was trying to get my son's foot in a boot and it was not working for me so I asked the clerk for help. She was the only clerk in the store of course. Lucky for me there were only like two customers in the store and for some reason they really didn't stick around too long after my kids entered. She measured his foot and gave me the size. The boot I had was like two sizes under what she said but when you put it up to his foot it looked huge. The clerk then informed me that I couldn't get the boot on because my son's foot was too wide for the boot. Well that explained a lot and after thinking about it that is probably why I had so much trouble trying to get his foot into other boots. Sorry. So we found the right size and the right width for my son and lucky me the boot was on sale.
As I am cashing out I am apologizing for my kids and the clerk says, "It is ok. I have a lot of patience with kids and I think they are fine. If he was like 7 or 8 then I would have a problem." I didn't really know what to say to that. I am not sure if she was saying they weren't that bad or if she was saying, you can get away with it now but not for long. While I was paying my daughter was trying to catch my son and bring him to me which didn't really work out. I got through paying and saying my Sorry's and Thank You's and I asked my daughter where she was. This was her response:
I'M OVER BY THE SHOES.
That is no joke either. We are in a shoe store and I ask wear my daughter is (who is with my wild son) and she tells me she is over by the shoes.
I counted to three and then said, You are going to have to be more specific.
I was so glad to get out of there.
I figured I could run into the Famous Footwear that was down the road from WalMart and if they didn't have anything then I was at a loss. Of course I had both of the kids with me and it was torrential down pour and really cold so this really was not big on my list of things to do but I'm a good wife and mother! Right?
I knew it was probably going to be a nightmare but I really didn't' think I would have to apologize to the store clerk for my children's behavior. Yup, I was that Mom with those kids, and you have to be careful when spanking your kids in public because you never know who is watching!
When we entered the store you would have thought that I had two dogs that were being let off their leashes for the first time and they wanted to sniff everyone's butts. Not really but you get the idea with two crazy dogs. My son went crazy and was running around like a lunatic and jumping on the benches like he was performing some grand show at a gymnastics event. My daughter was chasing him around and I know she was trying to do good but she actually just made my son more excited and made it worse. People watching though wouldn't have thought that.
I was trying to get my son's foot in a boot and it was not working for me so I asked the clerk for help. She was the only clerk in the store of course. Lucky for me there were only like two customers in the store and for some reason they really didn't stick around too long after my kids entered. She measured his foot and gave me the size. The boot I had was like two sizes under what she said but when you put it up to his foot it looked huge. The clerk then informed me that I couldn't get the boot on because my son's foot was too wide for the boot. Well that explained a lot and after thinking about it that is probably why I had so much trouble trying to get his foot into other boots. Sorry. So we found the right size and the right width for my son and lucky me the boot was on sale.
As I am cashing out I am apologizing for my kids and the clerk says, "It is ok. I have a lot of patience with kids and I think they are fine. If he was like 7 or 8 then I would have a problem." I didn't really know what to say to that. I am not sure if she was saying they weren't that bad or if she was saying, you can get away with it now but not for long. While I was paying my daughter was trying to catch my son and bring him to me which didn't really work out. I got through paying and saying my Sorry's and Thank You's and I asked my daughter where she was. This was her response:
I'M OVER BY THE SHOES.
That is no joke either. We are in a shoe store and I ask wear my daughter is (who is with my wild son) and she tells me she is over by the shoes.
I counted to three and then said, You are going to have to be more specific.
I was so glad to get out of there.
Poltergeist
I am pretty sure my son is the devil but I still love him anyways.
I was getting the kids ready for bed one night and my daughter was tucked in and watching TV and my son was roaming around some where so I decided to get my pjs on and do my bed time ritual. This always takes a process being a woman and I have to dedicate like 20 min to do this. You know, take the make up off, wash the face, brush the teeth and hair and get into pjs. I usually do this about the same time I am getting the kids into bed and off to dream land.
This one particular night as I was in the middle of my bed time process, I heard my son give out a blood curdling scream. You know the one where he is really hurt and needs Mom like ASAP. I started running towards the scream and ended up in my daughters room. She was sitting on the bed watching TV and I said Where is your brother? She of course replied, I don't know. As I am standing there I can hear the scream but I cannot find him for the life of me.
Now the room is not that big and her bed is against one wall and her dresser against another wall and the last wall has her toy box against it so I am really concerned that I know he is there somewhere but I can't see him. I had a blonde moment and spaced for a second and thought that he was in the walls. I know, I know, so STUPID but that is exactly where he sounded like he was coming from and it really took everything I had not to scream, FOLLOW THE LIGHT!!! Anyone ever see Poltergeist? The little girl was stuck in the TV so it can HAPPEN!!
After a few moments of hyperventilating and panicking just a little, his little leg popped out from under the bed. I felt so relieved I thought I was going to cry. He crawled under the bed to get a ball that was under there and got stuck at some point. My Mommy muscles kicked in and I lifted the bed like freaking Wonder Woman and pulled him out.
This whole time my daughter apparently had no idea that he was under there. What made a 1 year old go crawling under the bed baffles me. I don't even crawl under beds now. That freaks me out and for the exact reason of what happened to my son.
I was relieved I didn't have to tell my husband that I thought we were going to have to tear walls down. He would have thought I was really losing it. However, he was underneath the bed that was against the wall so that would explain why I thought he was in the walls!
FOLLOW THE LIGHT!! HAHAHA It might have made that moment even better if I did say that out loud, but I was thinking it!
I was getting the kids ready for bed one night and my daughter was tucked in and watching TV and my son was roaming around some where so I decided to get my pjs on and do my bed time ritual. This always takes a process being a woman and I have to dedicate like 20 min to do this. You know, take the make up off, wash the face, brush the teeth and hair and get into pjs. I usually do this about the same time I am getting the kids into bed and off to dream land.
This one particular night as I was in the middle of my bed time process, I heard my son give out a blood curdling scream. You know the one where he is really hurt and needs Mom like ASAP. I started running towards the scream and ended up in my daughters room. She was sitting on the bed watching TV and I said Where is your brother? She of course replied, I don't know. As I am standing there I can hear the scream but I cannot find him for the life of me.
Now the room is not that big and her bed is against one wall and her dresser against another wall and the last wall has her toy box against it so I am really concerned that I know he is there somewhere but I can't see him. I had a blonde moment and spaced for a second and thought that he was in the walls. I know, I know, so STUPID but that is exactly where he sounded like he was coming from and it really took everything I had not to scream, FOLLOW THE LIGHT!!! Anyone ever see Poltergeist? The little girl was stuck in the TV so it can HAPPEN!!
After a few moments of hyperventilating and panicking just a little, his little leg popped out from under the bed. I felt so relieved I thought I was going to cry. He crawled under the bed to get a ball that was under there and got stuck at some point. My Mommy muscles kicked in and I lifted the bed like freaking Wonder Woman and pulled him out.
This whole time my daughter apparently had no idea that he was under there. What made a 1 year old go crawling under the bed baffles me. I don't even crawl under beds now. That freaks me out and for the exact reason of what happened to my son.
I was relieved I didn't have to tell my husband that I thought we were going to have to tear walls down. He would have thought I was really losing it. However, he was underneath the bed that was against the wall so that would explain why I thought he was in the walls!
FOLLOW THE LIGHT!! HAHAHA It might have made that moment even better if I did say that out loud, but I was thinking it!
November 21, 2013
"Words of Wisdom" or Whatever...
"They" say the first year of marriage is the toughest year...and whoever "they" are may be on to something...but WE TOTALLY MADE IT!
This past weekend, Joe and I celebrated our one year wedding anniversary...and this year was certainly one to celebrate...we earned it. It was a roller coaster of a year, full of highs (eloping/honeymooning in the most beautiful, lavish place we've ever been, buying our first home, partying at a wonderful reception thrown by my in-laws) and lows (the infamous Christmas Tree Incident of 2012* and that one time we got in a fight because Joe didn't kiss me goodbye and I tried to prove a point by staying out all night long but got tired and bored and hungry after an hour at Target and was home by 6:30) BUT WE MADE IT!
We're still rookies at this whole marriage thing and like everyone tried to tell us before we tied the knot, it's hard work. We fight sometimes. We get over it. And every day we learn something new about each other...and about ourselves. For instance, just last week Joe and I BOTH learned that if he tries to exit the room during an argument, I will throw a book at him...not AT him...but in his general direction**...I didn't know I was gonna do it, he didn't know I was gonna do it. Live and learn. That being said, I've come up with a few marriage "Do's and Don'ts" for me to reference when I'm feeling feisty...
DON'T throw books at each other....
It didn't go over well...plus it's a little crazy and not very nice.
DO go to bed angry...
The number one piece of advice that EVERYONE gives at weddings and bridal showers is not to go to bed angry...I think that's some seriously unrealistic bullshit. These are my LEAST favorite "words of wisdom" ever. For Joe and I, late night arguments tend to start because we're tired and therefore, irritable (go figure). If we tried to stay awake until we were no longer angry, we would be up all night arguing and getting more tired and more irritable, creating an endless cycle of tiredness and irritability (hide all the books). When we DO go to bed angry, we usually wake up in the morning feeling refreshed and more often than not, we forget what we were even angry about in the first place. It's hard and feels very unnatural at first, to go to bed angry...but Joe can now do it in .05 seconds flat.
DON'T yell...
I have a strong belief system and tend to get pretty passionate about ummmmm...EVERYTHING. Naturally, Joe and I don't see eye to eye on some things so we often get into little debates... the topics range from the existence of Jesus to whether or not it's okay for women to have their own gyms. It doesn't matter whether I'm advocating for Curves or arguing that a human being cannot die and then come back to life, I get just as equally amped up...I start talking louder and louder and louder...thinking the increased decibels will convince my opponent when really, I'm just yelling. Not only does the yelling NOT make my point any stronger or more convincing, but I look bat shit crazy.
DO focus on the good stuff...
During one of my psychology classes in college, I learned that bad emotions and negative situations have more of an impact on people than the positive. It actually takes your brain more time to process bad things which makes them easier to remember...which is SO fucked up, RIGHT? When Joe and I get into an argument, my mind works like that. I hone in on all the bad memories...like that time he told me I had a unibrow or when he asks why my breath smells which isn't fair because that man picks up poop for me! And changes the oil in my car! And vacuums a lot. He calls me beautiful every single day and he even cooked dinner for me on Valentine's Day this year and sprinkled rose petals all over the house. It may be easier to remember the bad stuff but putting the effort into focusing on the good stuff helps put the bad in a little more perspective.
The act of picking up dog poop > Telling me I have a unibrow...ANYDAY.
DO watch the opening scene from the movie "Up"...
Okay this one sounds weird but hear me out. One day Joe and I were bickering about...pssht who knows what but there we were...at a standoff. Neither one of us talking to the other. Sitting in the living room. Watching TV. In silence. Then this movie starts...
...and oh my god. We both looked at each other (me crying...the emotional train wreck that I am) and whatever we were arguing about was squashed because...really? I mean...really. This is what it's all about. Having a partner in life...who's there by your side through all your shit... good AND bad...who knows you better than anyone else. Seriously...if I'm on my deathbed and Joe's there sending me messages attached to helium balloons, I WILL DIE HAPPY.
Marriage may be hard work...but nothing worth having comes easy and one year later, here we are...eating an oddly delicious but at the same time disgusting frozen cake...and it's totally worth it.
*stay tuned for a blog post about this festive debacle
**the book was titled "Guilty Wives" which is a strangely appropriate title to be thrown at your husband in the middle of a heated argument
 |
| Not everyone can say they married their best friend TWICE |
We're still rookies at this whole marriage thing and like everyone tried to tell us before we tied the knot, it's hard work. We fight sometimes. We get over it. And every day we learn something new about each other...and about ourselves. For instance, just last week Joe and I BOTH learned that if he tries to exit the room during an argument, I will throw a book at him...not AT him...but in his general direction**...I didn't know I was gonna do it, he didn't know I was gonna do it. Live and learn. That being said, I've come up with a few marriage "Do's and Don'ts" for me to reference when I'm feeling feisty...
DON'T throw books at each other....
It didn't go over well...plus it's a little crazy and not very nice.
DO go to bed angry...
The number one piece of advice that EVERYONE gives at weddings and bridal showers is not to go to bed angry...I think that's some seriously unrealistic bullshit. These are my LEAST favorite "words of wisdom" ever. For Joe and I, late night arguments tend to start because we're tired and therefore, irritable (go figure). If we tried to stay awake until we were no longer angry, we would be up all night arguing and getting more tired and more irritable, creating an endless cycle of tiredness and irritability (hide all the books). When we DO go to bed angry, we usually wake up in the morning feeling refreshed and more often than not, we forget what we were even angry about in the first place. It's hard and feels very unnatural at first, to go to bed angry...but Joe can now do it in .05 seconds flat.
DON'T yell...
I have a strong belief system and tend to get pretty passionate about ummmmm...EVERYTHING. Naturally, Joe and I don't see eye to eye on some things so we often get into little debates... the topics range from the existence of Jesus to whether or not it's okay for women to have their own gyms. It doesn't matter whether I'm advocating for Curves or arguing that a human being cannot die and then come back to life, I get just as equally amped up...I start talking louder and louder and louder...thinking the increased decibels will convince my opponent when really, I'm just yelling. Not only does the yelling NOT make my point any stronger or more convincing, but I look bat shit crazy.
DO focus on the good stuff...
During one of my psychology classes in college, I learned that bad emotions and negative situations have more of an impact on people than the positive. It actually takes your brain more time to process bad things which makes them easier to remember...which is SO fucked up, RIGHT? When Joe and I get into an argument, my mind works like that. I hone in on all the bad memories...like that time he told me I had a unibrow or when he asks why my breath smells which isn't fair because that man picks up poop for me! And changes the oil in my car! And vacuums a lot. He calls me beautiful every single day and he even cooked dinner for me on Valentine's Day this year and sprinkled rose petals all over the house. It may be easier to remember the bad stuff but putting the effort into focusing on the good stuff helps put the bad in a little more perspective.
The act of picking up dog poop > Telling me I have a unibrow...ANYDAY.
DO watch the opening scene from the movie "Up"...
Okay this one sounds weird but hear me out. One day Joe and I were bickering about...pssht who knows what but there we were...at a standoff. Neither one of us talking to the other. Sitting in the living room. Watching TV. In silence. Then this movie starts...
...and oh my god. We both looked at each other (me crying...the emotional train wreck that I am) and whatever we were arguing about was squashed because...really? I mean...really. This is what it's all about. Having a partner in life...who's there by your side through all your shit... good AND bad...who knows you better than anyone else. Seriously...if I'm on my deathbed and Joe's there sending me messages attached to helium balloons, I WILL DIE HAPPY.
Marriage may be hard work...but nothing worth having comes easy and one year later, here we are...eating an oddly delicious but at the same time disgusting frozen cake...and it's totally worth it.
*stay tuned for a blog post about this festive debacle
**the book was titled "Guilty Wives" which is a strangely appropriate title to be thrown at your husband in the middle of a heated argument
November 11, 2013
Toddler Boys
I am so very blessed to have been given a girl and a boy. I am done and I get the best of both worlds. I was always more inclined on having a boy though. I have two brothers, most of my closest friends in high school and college were guys. I get guys. I like them they have no drama and they don't think I am a threat. So, when my second child was born and he was a boy I was thrilled! I could have had all boys and been good with it but I am definitely glad I got to buy all the pretty dresses and shoes for my daughter.
Now I know why parents "Baby Proof" their houses. My daughter never crawled and went right into walking and never left my side. She never got into anything and never really cared about much unless it had to do with me. My son on the other hand, not good. He is into everything and I mean everything! I used to make fun of parents that had all the plugs in outlets and clips on toilets and rubber foam on their tables. Well I get it now. While my husband was in the shower my son decided to throw his underwear in the toilet. Guess who had to get them out? He loves the toilet. He thinks it is great to put stuff in it and he really loves to play with the water that just hangs out. I am afraid of the toilet clips. I have seen some of them and an adult has trouble getting them open. What happens when you have a sudden case of diarrhea and you can't get the clip off? Or in my case you sneeze and pee yourself and need to get on the toilet? I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and have to fight with a toilet clip. Not really something I look forward too. He also likes to be naked. I really wouldn't mind if he was potty trained but he is not even a year old yet. He was in his crib the other day and took off his pants and diaper and peed in his crib all over everything before I could get him covered! Those little ding-a-lings really like to spray everywhere!! I have had to clean curtains and walls and doors because of that!
He loves digging through the bathroom drawers and cupboards while I am in the shower. His latest thing, throwing Q-tips in the shower. I have found them everywhere! I even found some in his crib. Some how he managed to break open the Q-tip box and I haven't seen them since. What Q-tips I had left, I had to put in a zip lock bag so he couldn't get into them. I do have locks on the cupboard where all the cleaning products are so at least he won"t poison himself.
AND Boys are dumb! If my daughter did anything that hurt her, she never did it again. She is that way still. My son, he would just keep doing it over and over and over. He loves to jump around on the couch. He thinks it is his own wrestling arena. He fell off one day before I could grab him and of course the world was coming to an end. I gave him kisses and cuddled with him and all was good and doesn't the little turd go right back to doing it all over again! WTF??!! Do you keep letting him get hurt until he gets it or do you just give in and pile a bunch of pillows around the area so he can't get hurt?
Boys have this charming way about them that just makes you melt. My son knows when he is in trouble and he just gives you this look and smile that will melt your heart and you don't even know why you are mad in the first place. Boys suck! lol! He hits his sister and for some reason I am yelling at her. No wonder boys are so loved by their mothers! I tell you what though, the day some hoochy 15 year old walks into my house with short shorts and her boobs hanging out, you better pray. My daughter has plenty of people looking out for her including and ex-Marine and a Sheriff. I on the other hand will be there to protect my son. No skanky girls for this boy!
Teenage boys will be another post I am sure.
Dana
Now I know why parents "Baby Proof" their houses. My daughter never crawled and went right into walking and never left my side. She never got into anything and never really cared about much unless it had to do with me. My son on the other hand, not good. He is into everything and I mean everything! I used to make fun of parents that had all the plugs in outlets and clips on toilets and rubber foam on their tables. Well I get it now. While my husband was in the shower my son decided to throw his underwear in the toilet. Guess who had to get them out? He loves the toilet. He thinks it is great to put stuff in it and he really loves to play with the water that just hangs out. I am afraid of the toilet clips. I have seen some of them and an adult has trouble getting them open. What happens when you have a sudden case of diarrhea and you can't get the clip off? Or in my case you sneeze and pee yourself and need to get on the toilet? I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and have to fight with a toilet clip. Not really something I look forward too. He also likes to be naked. I really wouldn't mind if he was potty trained but he is not even a year old yet. He was in his crib the other day and took off his pants and diaper and peed in his crib all over everything before I could get him covered! Those little ding-a-lings really like to spray everywhere!! I have had to clean curtains and walls and doors because of that!
He loves digging through the bathroom drawers and cupboards while I am in the shower. His latest thing, throwing Q-tips in the shower. I have found them everywhere! I even found some in his crib. Some how he managed to break open the Q-tip box and I haven't seen them since. What Q-tips I had left, I had to put in a zip lock bag so he couldn't get into them. I do have locks on the cupboard where all the cleaning products are so at least he won"t poison himself.
AND Boys are dumb! If my daughter did anything that hurt her, she never did it again. She is that way still. My son, he would just keep doing it over and over and over. He loves to jump around on the couch. He thinks it is his own wrestling arena. He fell off one day before I could grab him and of course the world was coming to an end. I gave him kisses and cuddled with him and all was good and doesn't the little turd go right back to doing it all over again! WTF??!! Do you keep letting him get hurt until he gets it or do you just give in and pile a bunch of pillows around the area so he can't get hurt?
Boys have this charming way about them that just makes you melt. My son knows when he is in trouble and he just gives you this look and smile that will melt your heart and you don't even know why you are mad in the first place. Boys suck! lol! He hits his sister and for some reason I am yelling at her. No wonder boys are so loved by their mothers! I tell you what though, the day some hoochy 15 year old walks into my house with short shorts and her boobs hanging out, you better pray. My daughter has plenty of people looking out for her including and ex-Marine and a Sheriff. I on the other hand will be there to protect my son. No skanky girls for this boy!
Teenage boys will be another post I am sure.
Dana
Wal-Mart Adventures
I don't know if it is just me but for some reason my children seem to attract all the weirdo's out there, especially on our lovely adventures to Wal-Mart. I HATE Wal-Mart. Truly. I have to need something really badly in order to go to Wal-Mart. Parking sucks, there are never any cash register lines open and the "Self Check-Out" is a joke. I tried it once and I guess I am dumb but I set off the buzzer after every damn item I tried to scan. At one point the helper person just stayed with me until I was done because she had to reset the computer so many times. Plus I had a coupon which I guess is a big NO NO at Self Check-Out. Won't do that again. I like to breeze in and out of a store and Wal-Mart is not the place you can do that. And for some reason I always end up spending way more money than I intended too. I am thinking it is because Wal-Mart has too many things to offer so I go a little crazy.
One time I was cornered by a couple that clearly had some sort of disability but I am not quite sure what kind. They were interested in my children and asked what their names were. I told them and they could not quite grasp the name Brett (my son). They guy said Brent and I said no Brett. And he said Bred and I said no Brett. And he said Brent again and I said Yes. They finally moved along and I think for the first time in 5 years my daughter was speechless. She knew not to stare but they kept asking her questions but she really couldn't understand what they were saying so she didn't say anything at all. I told them she was shy. After they left I don't think she knew what to do. I just said just be polite and smile.
Have you ever seen those Wal-Mart videos they do showing all the classy people that come through Wal-Mart? I am probably on there. I have been trying to blend in hoping that nobody will talk to me or my kids. So far it seems to be working or I am just too scary for people to approach.
My latest adventure included my grandmother. I love her. She is great and she loves to say whatever is on her mind no matter the consequences. She means well but she definitely crosses the line once in a while. She has to do trips to Wal-Mart once a week. She has a system down and she mostly goes to get her 5 liters of Diet Ginger ale. They have the best price don't you know? Some how I was volunteered to take her one week. I really don't mind. I figure it is good practice for when my parents become that age and they need my help. Well what I thought was going to be a quick trip turned into a 2 hour adventure. She had a coupon for Tylenol. At some point during our rounds she lost the coupon. Doesn't the stubborn old woman retrace all of her steps to find the damn coupon? I mean we went back our every steps. She finally figured she lost and decided to give up. She placed the Tylenol on a random shelf in an isle. She couldn't get it unless she had the coupon. We were rounding the corner just about to get in line when she said, "let me check one more place." Sure as shit she found the freaking coupon! Now she had to go back to find what isle she left the Tylenol in! Her memory was better than I gave her credit for because she knew exactly what isle she left the Tylenol in. THANK GOD! We made it to check out and didn't look back! Of course I had both of my kids with me who were not too pleased but I had to give her credit because she didn't give up!
Wal-Mart Adventures.
Dana
One time I was cornered by a couple that clearly had some sort of disability but I am not quite sure what kind. They were interested in my children and asked what their names were. I told them and they could not quite grasp the name Brett (my son). They guy said Brent and I said no Brett. And he said Bred and I said no Brett. And he said Brent again and I said Yes. They finally moved along and I think for the first time in 5 years my daughter was speechless. She knew not to stare but they kept asking her questions but she really couldn't understand what they were saying so she didn't say anything at all. I told them she was shy. After they left I don't think she knew what to do. I just said just be polite and smile.
Have you ever seen those Wal-Mart videos they do showing all the classy people that come through Wal-Mart? I am probably on there. I have been trying to blend in hoping that nobody will talk to me or my kids. So far it seems to be working or I am just too scary for people to approach.
My latest adventure included my grandmother. I love her. She is great and she loves to say whatever is on her mind no matter the consequences. She means well but she definitely crosses the line once in a while. She has to do trips to Wal-Mart once a week. She has a system down and she mostly goes to get her 5 liters of Diet Ginger ale. They have the best price don't you know? Some how I was volunteered to take her one week. I really don't mind. I figure it is good practice for when my parents become that age and they need my help. Well what I thought was going to be a quick trip turned into a 2 hour adventure. She had a coupon for Tylenol. At some point during our rounds she lost the coupon. Doesn't the stubborn old woman retrace all of her steps to find the damn coupon? I mean we went back our every steps. She finally figured she lost and decided to give up. She placed the Tylenol on a random shelf in an isle. She couldn't get it unless she had the coupon. We were rounding the corner just about to get in line when she said, "let me check one more place." Sure as shit she found the freaking coupon! Now she had to go back to find what isle she left the Tylenol in! Her memory was better than I gave her credit for because she knew exactly what isle she left the Tylenol in. THANK GOD! We made it to check out and didn't look back! Of course I had both of my kids with me who were not too pleased but I had to give her credit because she didn't give up!
Wal-Mart Adventures.
Dana
September 11, 2013
Relax Mom...
I was watching Katie Couric the other day and this mother was being interviewed about a magazine article she was in recently talking about the fact that she has to take an anti depressant on a regular basis. Well apparently it was a huge deal to a group of mother's out there and she was receiving a lot of back lash. To the point where she was actually told she shouldn't be a mother because she was taking medication.
WHAT THE F**K??!!! How dare you criticize someone because they need to be on medication to make it through the day. Have you ever had postpartum depression? It is bad. I had it after my daughter and my doctor suggested a pill but I preferred not to be on one but I don't have anything against anyone that does. It can be mild or very severe. I just cried all the time. I would show up on my parents door step in tears with my daughter in my hands. And FYI...We have no control over it or if we get it. It is completely out of our hands and not our fault! I fought my way out of it myself. If a mother needs to take a pill so she doesn't harm herself or her children then so be it. Who are we to judge someone that is making a smart decision. So she can't be a mother because she is on a pill? Seriously. What is it with some of you mother's out there? I can't believe how some people are these days.
I was reading a blog a few months ago and the answers some of these mother's respond to just make me want to drink. A mother actually had a huge problem with people putting babies in a swing. Really? Do we not have anything better to do. She actually said that it would delay your child's development and cause problems down the road. Am I the only laughing about this? Apparently I don't read enough because I just don't get it. Get a life.
I try not to associate myself with too many people, especially specific mother's. I try to avoid being put in a bad situation and gravitate towards mom's that are more like me. I am young and I wasn't married when I had my daughter but I don't think that makes me any less of a mother. I like to drink and I tend to indulge in a cigarette from time to time but it does not affect my children in any way shape or form.
Perfect example. I watch a little girl after school that just happens to be friends with my daughter. I get paid for it and the mom gets to send her child to a safe place. Well for the most part. This is the kinda mom I like to be around. She had her daughter out of wed lock and didn't plan on having any kids but it happened and she dealt with it. She doesn't judge and I don't judge. This poor little girl has been through the ringer at my house. The first time she came over, my daughter made her cry. (Now just a side note, I know I wrote about bullies in my previous post so I am clarifying that my daughter is not a bully but she is also not perfect. She does receive punishment when necessary whether it is a spanking, time out or I take something from her that is dear to her heart.) I explained the situation to her mother and she was like "It happens. No biggie". The second incident was a few weeks ago when my daughter decided to use the lovely word B***H in front of her. I almost lost my marbles and was very embarrassed and yet again, this mother tells me about the time her daughter used that word. She wasn't mad, she understood and she just brushed it off. Now, I am a very straight forward person so I keep her very up to date about the things that go on and don't try to hide anything. I figure it is just better that way. The latest incident was just the other day. The girls got home from school and immediately went out to the play ground. I just happen to look out the window and my daughter has her shorts and under wear off in the middle of our yard. I asked what she was doing and she says "peeing". Great. My daughter has peed outside before so it wasn't something new to her but I really thought she new a little better than to pee outside in our own backyard and it front of the rush hour traffic. Sometimes peeing outside is better than a porta john or it is necessary in a specific moment but that wasn't one of those moments. Just lovely. So as the little girl and her mom are leaving, I say "Oh by the way..if your daughter starts peeing outside, that would be because she learned it from my daughter." And she simply says "ok". She doesn't ask any questions, she doesn't get mad, nothing. Now that is my kinda mother and she stills sends her child to my house!
I think some of these women need a glass of wine or two and mind their own damn business!
RELAX
Dana
WHAT THE F**K??!!! How dare you criticize someone because they need to be on medication to make it through the day. Have you ever had postpartum depression? It is bad. I had it after my daughter and my doctor suggested a pill but I preferred not to be on one but I don't have anything against anyone that does. It can be mild or very severe. I just cried all the time. I would show up on my parents door step in tears with my daughter in my hands. And FYI...We have no control over it or if we get it. It is completely out of our hands and not our fault! I fought my way out of it myself. If a mother needs to take a pill so she doesn't harm herself or her children then so be it. Who are we to judge someone that is making a smart decision. So she can't be a mother because she is on a pill? Seriously. What is it with some of you mother's out there? I can't believe how some people are these days.
I was reading a blog a few months ago and the answers some of these mother's respond to just make me want to drink. A mother actually had a huge problem with people putting babies in a swing. Really? Do we not have anything better to do. She actually said that it would delay your child's development and cause problems down the road. Am I the only laughing about this? Apparently I don't read enough because I just don't get it. Get a life.
I try not to associate myself with too many people, especially specific mother's. I try to avoid being put in a bad situation and gravitate towards mom's that are more like me. I am young and I wasn't married when I had my daughter but I don't think that makes me any less of a mother. I like to drink and I tend to indulge in a cigarette from time to time but it does not affect my children in any way shape or form.
Perfect example. I watch a little girl after school that just happens to be friends with my daughter. I get paid for it and the mom gets to send her child to a safe place. Well for the most part. This is the kinda mom I like to be around. She had her daughter out of wed lock and didn't plan on having any kids but it happened and she dealt with it. She doesn't judge and I don't judge. This poor little girl has been through the ringer at my house. The first time she came over, my daughter made her cry. (Now just a side note, I know I wrote about bullies in my previous post so I am clarifying that my daughter is not a bully but she is also not perfect. She does receive punishment when necessary whether it is a spanking, time out or I take something from her that is dear to her heart.) I explained the situation to her mother and she was like "It happens. No biggie". The second incident was a few weeks ago when my daughter decided to use the lovely word B***H in front of her. I almost lost my marbles and was very embarrassed and yet again, this mother tells me about the time her daughter used that word. She wasn't mad, she understood and she just brushed it off. Now, I am a very straight forward person so I keep her very up to date about the things that go on and don't try to hide anything. I figure it is just better that way. The latest incident was just the other day. The girls got home from school and immediately went out to the play ground. I just happen to look out the window and my daughter has her shorts and under wear off in the middle of our yard. I asked what she was doing and she says "peeing". Great. My daughter has peed outside before so it wasn't something new to her but I really thought she new a little better than to pee outside in our own backyard and it front of the rush hour traffic. Sometimes peeing outside is better than a porta john or it is necessary in a specific moment but that wasn't one of those moments. Just lovely. So as the little girl and her mom are leaving, I say "Oh by the way..if your daughter starts peeing outside, that would be because she learned it from my daughter." And she simply says "ok". She doesn't ask any questions, she doesn't get mad, nothing. Now that is my kinda mother and she stills sends her child to my house!
I think some of these women need a glass of wine or two and mind their own damn business!
RELAX
Dana
What has this world come to?
So I know me and Lauren write blogs to make people laugh and tell our stupid stories but my next few blogs are going to be downers. I have to get this off my chest because it is really bothering me. I might make some people mad too but hey, that is what freedom of speech is for!
My daughter started kindergarten last week. She is there all day long and takes the bus in the morning and the afternoon. I cried my eyes out. Not just because she is my oldest and this is the first time I have gone through something like this but because I am completely terrified for her. Since when is it no ok that your child is not even safe in school anymore? Since when has bullying and cyber bullying become so bad that we have to have shows about it? Since when is it ok that I have to check a website regularly to see if there are any pedophiles that live in my area or the area of the school?
Let me tell you something. The day I get a phone call telling me that my daughter's school was held hostage by a crazy gun person and several children and teacher's were killed....that SOB better kill himself for I will be killing him MYSELF. And quite honestly I blame that psycho's parents. There is something wrong if a kid shoots up an elementary school because he is mad at his mom. Hello? Did Momma not see any signs that the kid might need some help? Maybe when your kid starts setting things on fire for no reason or starts torturing animals you might want to get them some help. Also, spanking is not a bad thing. Me and my brothers were spanked every time we deserved it and we turned out just fine. I am married, have two children and my bachelor's degree in Marketing/Management, my younger brother is married and a Sheriff and my youngest brother just started his freshman year at Mount St. Vincent and was accepted into their nursing program. So get over it. My daughter has been spanked and I am sure my son will need one too. A mother especially should know there child and you know when something is wrong and they need help. Get it together people or stop having kids!
My daughter's good friend was choked by a younger boy the other day in school while standing in line waiting for the bus. She actually had bruises on her neck. Guess what? That ever happens to my daughter I will be knocking on that parent's door and you better be ready. Nobody messes with my kids. I don't care if it is online or in school. I will be coming for that child and that parent. I already had to deal with a problem child in preschool. My daughter didn't want to go to school because a boy was hitting her and saying bad words to her. So, I wrote a note to the teacher and explained that my daughter had my permission to protect herself and if it didn't get taken care of I would take care of it myself. My daughter never had a problem again. I tell my daughter almost every day to never let any one touch her and she has my complete permission to fight back when necessary. I know teachers don't always see or hear everything so I really don't put the blame on them, but it is just sad to have to think about stuff like that with 5 year olds. Again, where are the parents?
One of my biggest fears in life is my children being molested or kidnapped. I worry every day about it. I watch movies and shows I probably shouldn't but I want to be as proactive as I can about things like that. I regularly check the pedophile website so to speak and get alerts when one moves into the area. As soon as my daughter was old enough she learned where her private parts were and no one was to touch them. I remind her daily too. I have my brother who is the Sheriff talk to her constantly as well. She knows how to fight and scream if she needs and she knows to never leave anywhere especially school with anyone. I tell her each and every day you are to get on the bus and you are to leave on the bus. If there is a change I usually start letting her know way in advance. I will do the same with my son. It makes me so sick some of the things people do to children and most of the time they were molested at some point in their life as well. There is no excuse but if the cycle could have been broken I bet there wouldn't be as many molesters or rapist out there today. Again Parenting.
Protect you children. Be there for your children. Look for signs that they need help. Sometimes it is more than "just a phase".
Dana
My daughter started kindergarten last week. She is there all day long and takes the bus in the morning and the afternoon. I cried my eyes out. Not just because she is my oldest and this is the first time I have gone through something like this but because I am completely terrified for her. Since when is it no ok that your child is not even safe in school anymore? Since when has bullying and cyber bullying become so bad that we have to have shows about it? Since when is it ok that I have to check a website regularly to see if there are any pedophiles that live in my area or the area of the school?
Let me tell you something. The day I get a phone call telling me that my daughter's school was held hostage by a crazy gun person and several children and teacher's were killed....that SOB better kill himself for I will be killing him MYSELF. And quite honestly I blame that psycho's parents. There is something wrong if a kid shoots up an elementary school because he is mad at his mom. Hello? Did Momma not see any signs that the kid might need some help? Maybe when your kid starts setting things on fire for no reason or starts torturing animals you might want to get them some help. Also, spanking is not a bad thing. Me and my brothers were spanked every time we deserved it and we turned out just fine. I am married, have two children and my bachelor's degree in Marketing/Management, my younger brother is married and a Sheriff and my youngest brother just started his freshman year at Mount St. Vincent and was accepted into their nursing program. So get over it. My daughter has been spanked and I am sure my son will need one too. A mother especially should know there child and you know when something is wrong and they need help. Get it together people or stop having kids!
My daughter's good friend was choked by a younger boy the other day in school while standing in line waiting for the bus. She actually had bruises on her neck. Guess what? That ever happens to my daughter I will be knocking on that parent's door and you better be ready. Nobody messes with my kids. I don't care if it is online or in school. I will be coming for that child and that parent. I already had to deal with a problem child in preschool. My daughter didn't want to go to school because a boy was hitting her and saying bad words to her. So, I wrote a note to the teacher and explained that my daughter had my permission to protect herself and if it didn't get taken care of I would take care of it myself. My daughter never had a problem again. I tell my daughter almost every day to never let any one touch her and she has my complete permission to fight back when necessary. I know teachers don't always see or hear everything so I really don't put the blame on them, but it is just sad to have to think about stuff like that with 5 year olds. Again, where are the parents?
One of my biggest fears in life is my children being molested or kidnapped. I worry every day about it. I watch movies and shows I probably shouldn't but I want to be as proactive as I can about things like that. I regularly check the pedophile website so to speak and get alerts when one moves into the area. As soon as my daughter was old enough she learned where her private parts were and no one was to touch them. I remind her daily too. I have my brother who is the Sheriff talk to her constantly as well. She knows how to fight and scream if she needs and she knows to never leave anywhere especially school with anyone. I tell her each and every day you are to get on the bus and you are to leave on the bus. If there is a change I usually start letting her know way in advance. I will do the same with my son. It makes me so sick some of the things people do to children and most of the time they were molested at some point in their life as well. There is no excuse but if the cycle could have been broken I bet there wouldn't be as many molesters or rapist out there today. Again Parenting.
Protect you children. Be there for your children. Look for signs that they need help. Sometimes it is more than "just a phase".
Dana
September 3, 2013
Bitch Please
I got some news this morning. Bad news.
As soon as Joe told me, I knew I had to write about it...because it's not necessarily funny-ha-ha...but it's definitely a "that WOULD happen to Lauren" story.
PLUS, I've been working like crazy for 12 days straight, making the line between what would be considered funny and what's completely depressing slightly blurred.
Annnnnnnd I haven't written a blog in a while. So this is all I got!
We ALL know I hate my job. It's really a broken record at this point and I hate myself every time I say it but I mean, for REAL. Every minute that passes and I'm sitting at my desk doing NOTHING except waiting for someone to show me mercy by requesting a photocopy is like dying a slow and painful death.
My PopPops once said that working a shitty job was like, "hitting yourself in the head with a hammer all day because it feels so good when you stop." That never made sense to me until I became a receptionist....because every time the phone rings, I feel like I'm getting bashed in the face with some kind of heavy instrument (hence the slow and painful death). I get it.
Preach on PopPops, preach.
Anyway, after two years of applying for hundreds of jobs and my hard earned Bachelor's Degree gathering dust, it finally seemed like there was some light shining at the end of the tunnel...because I landed an interview! I landed the holy grail of interviews with the county government! I studied up on the position, practiced the perfect answers to all the typical interview questions, planned a professional interview outfit....I even paid twenty bucks for a manicure in a conservative "nude" shade because the Career Center at my college said any other color for an interview was "distracting and off-putting" AKA skankalicious. I was prepared to sell the shit out of my nude-nailed-self.
Unfortunately I'm not black.
A couple weeks went by and I had heard nothing. Assuming I blew the interview, I kind of shrugged it off and chocked it up as another loss. Then I learned (from a couple of my husband's connections) that it was between me and another chick - we were the top two candidates. This made the anticipation even worse. It really could happen. I e-mailed the director of Human Resources to make sure he knew how interested I was and asked if a decision had been made.
I should have known when I never got a response.
Then this morning Joe told me. He said he wanted me to hear it from him instead of in a rejection letter, or worse, never hearing anything at all. The position had gone to a black woman, not based on credentials or that she interviewed better than me....it was simply because the county needed a more diverse candidate.
Now, I harbor no resentment to this lady at all. I'm sure she was extremely qualified for the position and she will do a great job but I can't stop thinking about how everything would have been different if only they had known that I am, in fact, black on the inside.
I've given this situation a lot of thought and, in an effort to avoid this heartache next time around, I've decided to make some changes to the "Additional Skills and Information" section of my resume. It now looks a little something like this:
Additional Skills and Information
I think this will clear up a lot of confusion for any interviews I embark on in the future.
As soon as Joe told me, I knew I had to write about it...because it's not necessarily funny-ha-ha...but it's definitely a "that WOULD happen to Lauren" story.
PLUS, I've been working like crazy for 12 days straight, making the line between what would be considered funny and what's completely depressing slightly blurred.
Annnnnnnd I haven't written a blog in a while. So this is all I got!
We ALL know I hate my job. It's really a broken record at this point and I hate myself every time I say it but I mean, for REAL. Every minute that passes and I'm sitting at my desk doing NOTHING except waiting for someone to show me mercy by requesting a photocopy is like dying a slow and painful death.
My PopPops once said that working a shitty job was like, "hitting yourself in the head with a hammer all day because it feels so good when you stop." That never made sense to me until I became a receptionist....because every time the phone rings, I feel like I'm getting bashed in the face with some kind of heavy instrument (hence the slow and painful death). I get it.
Preach on PopPops, preach.
Anyway, after two years of applying for hundreds of jobs and my hard earned Bachelor's Degree gathering dust, it finally seemed like there was some light shining at the end of the tunnel...because I landed an interview! I landed the holy grail of interviews with the county government! I studied up on the position, practiced the perfect answers to all the typical interview questions, planned a professional interview outfit....I even paid twenty bucks for a manicure in a conservative "nude" shade because the Career Center at my college said any other color for an interview was "distracting and off-putting" AKA skankalicious. I was prepared to sell the shit out of my nude-nailed-self.
Unfortunately I'm not black.
A couple weeks went by and I had heard nothing. Assuming I blew the interview, I kind of shrugged it off and chocked it up as another loss. Then I learned (from a couple of my husband's connections) that it was between me and another chick - we were the top two candidates. This made the anticipation even worse. It really could happen. I e-mailed the director of Human Resources to make sure he knew how interested I was and asked if a decision had been made.
I should have known when I never got a response.
Then this morning Joe told me. He said he wanted me to hear it from him instead of in a rejection letter, or worse, never hearing anything at all. The position had gone to a black woman, not based on credentials or that she interviewed better than me....it was simply because the county needed a more diverse candidate.
Now, I harbor no resentment to this lady at all. I'm sure she was extremely qualified for the position and she will do a great job but I can't stop thinking about how everything would have been different if only they had known that I am, in fact, black on the inside.
I've given this situation a lot of thought and, in an effort to avoid this heartache next time around, I've decided to make some changes to the "Additional Skills and Information" section of my resume. It now looks a little something like this:
Additional Skills and Information
- Ability to accurately rap any Nicki Minaj song on command
- I've never passed up an opportunity to dance to The Wobble or The Cupid Shuffle
- If I'm drunk enough, I can even do them properly
- When I was little, I used to BEG my mom to buy me a black baby doll
- 2 out of my 6 preset radio stations are of the hip-hop variety
- Certified Whooty (white girl with a booty)
I think this will clear up a lot of confusion for any interviews I embark on in the future.
August 6, 2013
Mommy Dearest
I don't know if it is just me or if this happens to most people but my parents have really become very relaxed in their old age (not really that old, neither one of them has hit 50 yet) and their parenting rules really go out the window. I have noticed that with my children my parents really don't use any parental skills at all. It is pretty much free rein. I know they are grandparents and it is their job to spoil and what not with their kids but I figured some sort of rules would still apply. Apparently not. I think parents really take the term grandparents way too far and think they can get away with a lot of stuff that shouldn't be allowed. For example, I was at my parents the other day and immediately my father puts my son in the high chair and feeds him cinnamon gram crackers and chocolate cookies. Now my son is 8 months old and probably should not be eating this stuff but he is a hog and a big boy and has been on solids since his was 3 months old. That is really not my concern anyways. I was more concerned with the fact that my father fed my son all this stuff for about an hour and then when he is done, my father walks away. Suddenly he forgot he has something to do and now I am left with a child that looks like he went through Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. How amazing. You feed him the crap and now I am left cleaning him up. Feeding him is the easy part, cleaning him up and the surrounding area, not so fun. Thanks Dad.
My mother is the worst of all. She doesn't think she is but she is. My daughter is the Diva she is today because of my mother. She yells at me for spoiling her all the time but you can guarantee that if my daughter walks in to a store with my mother she will be getting something, if not one thing then a few things. It has gotten to the point where every time my mother comes to our house, my daughter has her hand out expecting something and usually gets it. This particular day though, I was really taken back by my mother. We are having breakfast at a local diner with my brother and his wife. My son is playing with all the spoons (because he is at that point now where he needs to be doing something if he is not eating) and eventually drops all the spoons that were on the table on the floor. I am in conversation with my brother and look over at my son and noticed that he was now playing with a knife. My mother thought it would be a good idea to give the 7 month old a knife. Her response "It's just a butter knife, It's not like it will hurt him." Really? I don't even know what to say at this point. I take the knife from my son and tell my mother that I am putting this in the blog and she says "YOU BETTER NOT!" Karma sucks.
This is kinda off point but I had to throw this in somewhere because it was just too good to ignore. My husband was taking a shower one day and my daughter had to get something out of the bathroom. She was trying to go in and my husband said just wait I am taking a shower. She is getting to the age where she really shouldn't be seeing Daddy naked but she doesn't understand that yet. So my daughter says "UUGGHH Dad, it's ok, it's not like I haven't' seen your little whoohoo before!" My husband says "Excuse me?" And she says "Dad I have seen your LITTLE whoohoo before!" I am in the kitchen trying to feed my son laughing hysterically! My husband obviously does not find the comment very amusing but I just couldn't help myself. Kids!!
Dana
My mother is the worst of all. She doesn't think she is but she is. My daughter is the Diva she is today because of my mother. She yells at me for spoiling her all the time but you can guarantee that if my daughter walks in to a store with my mother she will be getting something, if not one thing then a few things. It has gotten to the point where every time my mother comes to our house, my daughter has her hand out expecting something and usually gets it. This particular day though, I was really taken back by my mother. We are having breakfast at a local diner with my brother and his wife. My son is playing with all the spoons (because he is at that point now where he needs to be doing something if he is not eating) and eventually drops all the spoons that were on the table on the floor. I am in conversation with my brother and look over at my son and noticed that he was now playing with a knife. My mother thought it would be a good idea to give the 7 month old a knife. Her response "It's just a butter knife, It's not like it will hurt him." Really? I don't even know what to say at this point. I take the knife from my son and tell my mother that I am putting this in the blog and she says "YOU BETTER NOT!" Karma sucks.
This is kinda off point but I had to throw this in somewhere because it was just too good to ignore. My husband was taking a shower one day and my daughter had to get something out of the bathroom. She was trying to go in and my husband said just wait I am taking a shower. She is getting to the age where she really shouldn't be seeing Daddy naked but she doesn't understand that yet. So my daughter says "UUGGHH Dad, it's ok, it's not like I haven't' seen your little whoohoo before!" My husband says "Excuse me?" And she says "Dad I have seen your LITTLE whoohoo before!" I am in the kitchen trying to feed my son laughing hysterically! My husband obviously does not find the comment very amusing but I just couldn't help myself. Kids!!
Dana
BAD HAIR DAY!!
All right ladies now I know that everyone has had their bad hair days. We have all been through it and we will continue to go through it, especially after you have kids. Your hair is not even the hair you remember in high school. Some women get lucky and it becomes thicker and softer and flows and the color itself is like one out of a movie. Then there is the other sad few that get screwed. It starts to fall out, you lose your bounce and the color has turned into a pinch between brown poop and Pippie Long Stocking. I have had several bad hair days but there are a few that really stick out (and I mean literally) that I just have to mention.
My lovely Sister-in-law reminded me the other day of the time I bought the ethnic hair conditioner (and I am using the word ethnic because I don't want to insult anyone and I don't want to use the incorrect term) and I really didn't know it. You know how in the shampoo/conditioner isle you have miles and miles of the white person stuff and then there is the tiny section of the ethnic area? Well I was in search of a new conditioner and I wandered to the fine line of white and ethnic area. I was eyeing this conditioner that really wasn't in the ethnic section and really wasn't in the white section. It said that it was very nourishing and good for dry hair and the price was good plus it was a pink bottle and I couldn't resist. I looked at it for a long while because I really was in a debate with myself of whether it was for the white's or different race. There was no picture on the bottle and it did not say anywhere that it was meant for people of different ethnicities. (again trying to be politically correct) So I went ahead and purchased it. The first time I used it I thought in the shower that it was great. My hair felt smooth and I didn't have any snarls and I thought AWEOME, I just found a new conditioner that is cheap and works great. Then I blow dried. Well let me just say that Diana Ross had nothing on me. My hair could have been in a rap video. I had no idea that it could even get to the potential. It looked like I had teased it for hours and then added some Hair Net for another couple of hours. And let me just say, I have blonde hair and it is very fine so this was really a new look for me. I had to be at work so I had no time to try and fix it, not to mention I didn't even know where to start. I was a bartender at the time and when I walked in one of my regulars asked me if I was going dancing or to the club later. I said "No why?" And he said "Your hair looks like you might be going dancing or getting wild later." I just pretended like I was trying something new and I meant for it to look like that. I was at my brother's and my sister-in-laws that following weekend and brought the conditioner and used it to show them what it did to my hair. They all agreed it was not meant for my hair type. A few weeks later a friend of mine (who is also my hair stylist and knew the story) sent me a picture of that same conditioner clearly in the ethnic section. Live and learn I guess.
A few months ago I decided that I was going back to coloring my own hair. I just do highlights and all through college I had a roommate do it for me using one of the kits and never had a problem. It saved a ton of money and time. When I met my lovely husband he would pay for me to get it done and take care of me but after the kids I just don't have the time. Call me crazy but it is too much to try and find a babysitter and then pay them for me to sit in a salon for hours and hours listening to someone talk that I really don't want to talk to. So I decided I would go back to doing it myself. Everything was going great and the color was looking good until one day I got lazy. I decided instead of pulling my hair through a cap I would just use the highlighting kit and just color my roots. Why not right? BIG MISTAKE. The top of my head was white, like printer paper white and the rest of my hair was a normal blonde. So instead of just going through the process again and pulling my hair through the cap to even it out, I decided that I will buy a blonde dye and tone down the white. Well I learned that I can't use a blonde dye on white hair, it turns my hair orange. So now instead of the top of my head being white, it was ORANGE. Great so now what? So stubborn me goes back to the store and buys a root touch up thinking I could just put it on the orange part and it would blend in. Nope not really. It more mixed then blended. I ended up just coloring the normal part of my hair darker and it really did nothing for the orange part at all. I figured I should give my hair a break seeing how I just colored it 3 times in two days but that didn't last long. My mother in law really let me know how it looked when she saw me and her faced pretty much dropped to the ground and she said "What the hell did you do to your hair?" So off to the store again but this time I bought the highlighting kit and said I will not be lazy I will pull hair through and make this right. One of my friends that I was telling this story to asked me "At one point did you just think maybe I should go get this fixed professionally?" No of course not! I was bound and determined to fix this myself and still save money, my hair on the other hand, not really feeling the same. So I get the kit and I'm at home, the baby finally fell asleep so I had two hours to get this done. As I am mixing the stuff together and getting ready for the cap I noticed that they forget to put in the tool that you use to pull the hair through. Now I have a dilemma. I know that the store that I just bought this from only had one left, so I could return it but then I wouldn't be able to get the same kit. I could get my money back and buy it some where else but that would just take too much time. So, I look through the junk drawer and find a screw. I looked at the cap and then at the screw and said "why not?". I used a freaking screw to pull my hair through the little holes. It worked. It took some time but it was successful. I lost a good chuck of hair and had to do some major damage control but my hair came out a normal blonde color. I was afraid every time I showered that I would just find clumps of hair in the drain but to my astonishment it wasn't too bad. I have yet to color it again but I am do soon and I know now that I CANNOT be lazy and worse case scenario, you can use a screw to pull your hair through the cap.
Live and Learn.
Dana
My lovely Sister-in-law reminded me the other day of the time I bought the ethnic hair conditioner (and I am using the word ethnic because I don't want to insult anyone and I don't want to use the incorrect term) and I really didn't know it. You know how in the shampoo/conditioner isle you have miles and miles of the white person stuff and then there is the tiny section of the ethnic area? Well I was in search of a new conditioner and I wandered to the fine line of white and ethnic area. I was eyeing this conditioner that really wasn't in the ethnic section and really wasn't in the white section. It said that it was very nourishing and good for dry hair and the price was good plus it was a pink bottle and I couldn't resist. I looked at it for a long while because I really was in a debate with myself of whether it was for the white's or different race. There was no picture on the bottle and it did not say anywhere that it was meant for people of different ethnicities. (again trying to be politically correct) So I went ahead and purchased it. The first time I used it I thought in the shower that it was great. My hair felt smooth and I didn't have any snarls and I thought AWEOME, I just found a new conditioner that is cheap and works great. Then I blow dried. Well let me just say that Diana Ross had nothing on me. My hair could have been in a rap video. I had no idea that it could even get to the potential. It looked like I had teased it for hours and then added some Hair Net for another couple of hours. And let me just say, I have blonde hair and it is very fine so this was really a new look for me. I had to be at work so I had no time to try and fix it, not to mention I didn't even know where to start. I was a bartender at the time and when I walked in one of my regulars asked me if I was going dancing or to the club later. I said "No why?" And he said "Your hair looks like you might be going dancing or getting wild later." I just pretended like I was trying something new and I meant for it to look like that. I was at my brother's and my sister-in-laws that following weekend and brought the conditioner and used it to show them what it did to my hair. They all agreed it was not meant for my hair type. A few weeks later a friend of mine (who is also my hair stylist and knew the story) sent me a picture of that same conditioner clearly in the ethnic section. Live and learn I guess.
A few months ago I decided that I was going back to coloring my own hair. I just do highlights and all through college I had a roommate do it for me using one of the kits and never had a problem. It saved a ton of money and time. When I met my lovely husband he would pay for me to get it done and take care of me but after the kids I just don't have the time. Call me crazy but it is too much to try and find a babysitter and then pay them for me to sit in a salon for hours and hours listening to someone talk that I really don't want to talk to. So I decided I would go back to doing it myself. Everything was going great and the color was looking good until one day I got lazy. I decided instead of pulling my hair through a cap I would just use the highlighting kit and just color my roots. Why not right? BIG MISTAKE. The top of my head was white, like printer paper white and the rest of my hair was a normal blonde. So instead of just going through the process again and pulling my hair through the cap to even it out, I decided that I will buy a blonde dye and tone down the white. Well I learned that I can't use a blonde dye on white hair, it turns my hair orange. So now instead of the top of my head being white, it was ORANGE. Great so now what? So stubborn me goes back to the store and buys a root touch up thinking I could just put it on the orange part and it would blend in. Nope not really. It more mixed then blended. I ended up just coloring the normal part of my hair darker and it really did nothing for the orange part at all. I figured I should give my hair a break seeing how I just colored it 3 times in two days but that didn't last long. My mother in law really let me know how it looked when she saw me and her faced pretty much dropped to the ground and she said "What the hell did you do to your hair?" So off to the store again but this time I bought the highlighting kit and said I will not be lazy I will pull hair through and make this right. One of my friends that I was telling this story to asked me "At one point did you just think maybe I should go get this fixed professionally?" No of course not! I was bound and determined to fix this myself and still save money, my hair on the other hand, not really feeling the same. So I get the kit and I'm at home, the baby finally fell asleep so I had two hours to get this done. As I am mixing the stuff together and getting ready for the cap I noticed that they forget to put in the tool that you use to pull the hair through. Now I have a dilemma. I know that the store that I just bought this from only had one left, so I could return it but then I wouldn't be able to get the same kit. I could get my money back and buy it some where else but that would just take too much time. So, I look through the junk drawer and find a screw. I looked at the cap and then at the screw and said "why not?". I used a freaking screw to pull my hair through the little holes. It worked. It took some time but it was successful. I lost a good chuck of hair and had to do some major damage control but my hair came out a normal blonde color. I was afraid every time I showered that I would just find clumps of hair in the drain but to my astonishment it wasn't too bad. I have yet to color it again but I am do soon and I know now that I CANNOT be lazy and worse case scenario, you can use a screw to pull your hair through the cap.
Live and Learn.
Dana
It Could Happen.....
So you know how some of those scary movies have scenes that people watch and totally think or even say...that would never happen in real life? Like the chick with the white tank top on and big boobs running through the woods getting chased by a chain saw guy and then it starts to rain and then she trips on some rusty piece of junk that would never be there in real life? Well my brother had one of those moments and it was so bad that I actually had to say "That's the stuff that happens in a scary movie and you say that would never happen" Well it did and he lived through it.
My brother is a Sheriff and I really wish I could talk about a lot of the stuff he does and sees but for privacy reasons and laws I am not allowed. Let's just say though that the show Cops doesn't even touch on some of the stuff my brother sees and does. I get a phone call from him one day and he says you would never believe what happened to me the other night. He proceeds to tell me that he got a call to go check out a warehouse that had their security alarm going off. As a Deputy he has to go in and inspect and make sure everything is ok but most of the time it is usually a bogus call. As he was walking around the dark warehouse all alone his flash light goes out. Then he says he tried to make a call on the radio and the radio when out! So he is alone in the dark warehouse with no flash light and no radio! I immediately started laughing. And of course he did not find that very amusing but I couldn't help myself. I was like don't you realize that you should have been in a movie and half the people in the audience would be like that would never happen!!! But I guess now it can. So don't always mock the horror movie some things can really come true! He managed to use the light on his cell phone to find his way out and all was good.
Also, if you ever come in contact with a snake and happen to have pepper spray on you, they don't like it. Another story from my brother. The big bad Sheriff was once again in a warehouse and came face to face with a big black snake (not really sure what kind or if it was really dangerous but that was just how he described it) and he said the snake looked at him weird so he panicked and pepper sprayed it. He said it worked though and the snake ran away. Glad the tax payers dollars are being well spent on snakes! Although in all honesty I would have shot the thing or even tazed it. That would have been awesome. I hate snakes and so does he but now we know what to do!
In a lighter note, my daughter told me the other day that if she had a change-o-machine she would use it to take away my belly fat. I thought I was doing pretty good considering I have an 8 month old but according to my daughter I have belly fat. I guess it is good though that she would help me out!
Dana
My brother is a Sheriff and I really wish I could talk about a lot of the stuff he does and sees but for privacy reasons and laws I am not allowed. Let's just say though that the show Cops doesn't even touch on some of the stuff my brother sees and does. I get a phone call from him one day and he says you would never believe what happened to me the other night. He proceeds to tell me that he got a call to go check out a warehouse that had their security alarm going off. As a Deputy he has to go in and inspect and make sure everything is ok but most of the time it is usually a bogus call. As he was walking around the dark warehouse all alone his flash light goes out. Then he says he tried to make a call on the radio and the radio when out! So he is alone in the dark warehouse with no flash light and no radio! I immediately started laughing. And of course he did not find that very amusing but I couldn't help myself. I was like don't you realize that you should have been in a movie and half the people in the audience would be like that would never happen!!! But I guess now it can. So don't always mock the horror movie some things can really come true! He managed to use the light on his cell phone to find his way out and all was good.
Also, if you ever come in contact with a snake and happen to have pepper spray on you, they don't like it. Another story from my brother. The big bad Sheriff was once again in a warehouse and came face to face with a big black snake (not really sure what kind or if it was really dangerous but that was just how he described it) and he said the snake looked at him weird so he panicked and pepper sprayed it. He said it worked though and the snake ran away. Glad the tax payers dollars are being well spent on snakes! Although in all honesty I would have shot the thing or even tazed it. That would have been awesome. I hate snakes and so does he but now we know what to do!
In a lighter note, my daughter told me the other day that if she had a change-o-machine she would use it to take away my belly fat. I thought I was doing pretty good considering I have an 8 month old but according to my daughter I have belly fat. I guess it is good though that she would help me out!
Dana
July 1, 2013
I Can Still Smell It
Dana's last post had me thinking a lot about...well...barf.
As far back as I can remember I've had a paralyzing fear of vomit. It's not an "EW! GROSS! BARF! ICKY!" feeling...It is more of a legit "PANIC! CURL-UP-IN-A-CORNER-COVERING-MY-NOSE-EARS-EYES-AND-MOUTH (so I don't taste the fumes, duh)" phobia status.
For a long time I tried my hardest to avoid fairs and amusement parks and large groups of children because I was in a constant state of anxiety, looking for puke at every corner. I was SURE I would stumble across someone with their head in one of those giant garbage bins or that if I saw a child jumping around, it would spew or even worse, that someone would blow chunks while upside down on a roller coaster and gravity would force the barf down to land on me.
When I was little, I couldn't even read books where there was a puke scene without my mouth drying up and getting the cold sweats and feeling betrayed by the author. To this day when a character spews in a movie, I impulsively yell at the television which makes everyone else in the room jump and look at me funny.
Phobias, by definition, are EXTREME and IRRATIONAL fears.
Check and check.
Most people don't really take me seriously when I disclose this...fun fact...about myself. I don't even think my husband really understood the severity of this issue until we were in Target about a month ago.
It started out as such a nice Target run. Usually when we go together, he wants get what we need and get outta there as quickly as possible...while I prefer to take my time going through every aisle, admiring and window shopping. On this particular day, he allowed me to peruse every aisle...it was wonderful.
Until we turned into the mirror aisle.
I noticed two Target employees with rubber gloves on, cleaning up what I assumed was a broken mirror. I start to steer our cart into the aisle when one of the employees points at the ground and says, "Um...that's uhh...throw up." I look down and see that I've rolled my cart over a large pink splat on the floor covered in powder and LOSE. MY. SHIT.
Joe moseys away LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED while I spend the rest of the shopping trip shaking and rambling all, "Oh my god I can still smell it" "Oh my god did I step in it?" "Oh my god do you smell that?" "Oh my god the cart wheel is making a barf trail" "Oh my god the smell is in my hair" "Oh my god I have to get rid of these shoes" "Oh my god the pink splat is en-grained in my line of vision" "Oh my god I can taste it" "OH MY GOD I STILL SMELL IT!!"
I talked about it the whole car ride home.
Even after we got back and showered, I could STILL smell it.
I dreamt about vomit that night.
I think that's when he realized this shit is REAL.
Or maybe it was when we moved into our new house and I requested that he never vomit in our en-suite bathroom. Every time he says his stomach hurts, I make sure he knows that I expect him to leave our bedroom and vom in the guest bathroom if he feels the urge....and definitely not to get his hopes up that I might rub his back or hold his hair back.
Sometimes I worry that he thinks I'm kidding...
I'm definitely not.
PS: I googled "vomit phobia" and IT IS REAL. I AM NOT ALONE. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emetophobia
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)